Christianity and Infertility - is a mix possible?

I'm really struggling this morning, and feel a bit of a rant inside me wanting to get out. I was up early today, sitting at the computer enjoying my decaf and my morning blog surf routine, when I came upon this in the comments section at Julianna's blog.

I have always viewed blogging as a personal thing. Much like keeping a diary, only choosing to do so in a public domain. Kind of like knowing your kid sister has the key to your diary so you're sort of careful about what you write, but in the end, you still write what you want or need to write anyhow. For me, and I don't know how true this is for other bloggers out there, I blog to maintain my sanity and to vent. I come here, dump the toxic waste, and then am able to move on in my marriage and daily life. Sometimes I come here, dump to formulate what I need to say out loud in my daily life.

And the bonus with blogging is that I have lucked into a circle of blogs belonging to other women (and sometimes their insightful partners) who are on the same terrifying, frustrating and exhausting journey as my husband and I are on - the bloody road of infertility and all the emotional bumps that are part of that road.

So, sometimes through sharing my personal vents/thoughts/worries/concerns/toxic waste, I'm fortunate enough to either be on the receiving end of some wisdom from someone who is ahead of me on the road ... or to find a blog that gives me a bit of a road map on what to expect. And occasionally, I am able to turn around and share my road map, or at minimum, let someone know that they can rest a while with me and I'll share my hot cocoa and warm fuzzies with them.

And I have done all of that with all sincerity. I am who you see on this blog.

Part of what I've never said out loud in this blog, or in too many comment sections of other blogs, is that at the centre of who I am is a person is my relationship with Christ.

Yes, I am a Christian.

I didn't feel the need to write that in my blog before because I wasn't writing for an audience. I was writing for me, and because I am a Christian, I understood that God already knew I was a Christian! I also understood that my actions speak for my Christianity. It's up to me not to judge. It's up to me to comment in language that I know I am comfortable with using ... to be who I really am, and not play a game with someone else's blog just because I can get away with hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. It's up to me to not comment if I don't have something nice or worthwhile to add to a conversation.

Having said all of that, I'm also of the belief that God doesn't call me to be a sad saint. I'm a great believer in the use of humour, and my humour is often sarcastic and occasionally a wee bit irreverant. People who know me "in real life" know that about me.

Sometimes I struggle with the slamming of Christians in the infertility blogging world. But I've also seen some comments, like the one linked above, that claim to be Christian in nature and just strike me as being anything but Christian. And usually I keep silent because I think I'm not doing much better if I get involved in mud slinging or advice giving, because that's being judgemental. But this morning I could not keep silent.

And now I'm having a hard time letting it go. Was I just as bad as the original "Christian" commentor for getting in on the discussion and giving my opinion to her? Am I trying to justify some guilt that I'm feeling? Why is this weighing on my mind so very much today?

I even spoke to my husband about the whole incident as I drove him to work this morning. We talked about the fit of Christianity and Christian view points with the whole infertility journey. He's a much more solid faith walker than I am, and always is able to put Christ at the centre of everything. I struggle with when it's my will, and when I'm just making it feel like my will is actually His will. Not to say that my husband is not human at his core, because believe me, he is ... but that's his story to tell...not mine. Just to say that he has a greater ability to listen to his heart, whereas I listen, then think "nah...that wasn't God speaking to me...that was me speaking for God" and proceed to second guess, over analyze and play with it until finally I give up.

I'm working on handing it over and really listening. In recovery, we call that believing in a Power greater than ourselves. And one of the first successful experiences I think I've had with really handing it over and listening to God's will for me was with the decision to pursue fertility treatment.

Maybe that's why I can't seem to let go of Working Princess' comments on Julianna's blog. Because I hear my human voice in her advice to not dwell on it and then I'll get pregnant.

I am choosing to believe that there is a mix possible between Christians and Infertiles. In fact, I think (gasp!) that some Christians can be infertile and that it's not "God's will" that we be barren! (I'm ducking in case there are fundamentalist arrows headed my way right now!!!) I think that perhaps my inability to conceive has to do with the years of working, partying, not eating correctly, taking birth control pills, fighting dysplasia for five years running, history of infertility in my family ... I could go on for a bit about what other human made things could be in the way of my ability to conceive. Perhaps it's even something on my husband's part. We won't know right away as they_wouldn't_take_his_sperm_for_testing !

When I list those things, I can't say that it's God's will that I'm not pregnant. I made different choices. I'm making another choice now - to take advantage of the intelligence, skills and wisdom that has been given to doctors and surgeons in this world to help my very loving, devoted husband and I create a child together.

Ok. Rant over.