Resurfaced Feelings

My honey called again this morning....man, do I miss him! He had a good time at the wedding. This was the first time his family has been together since 1986. I can't even imagine going that long without seeing my family. Especially since he is so into family ... which is why I think us having a child together is so important to him.

I had long ago come to grips with the reality that I might never have a child of my own. In my first marriage, I had been the whole fertility clinic route. Charting, temping, medication, tests, laperscopy ... and nothing happened. It was strange. The doctors told me they could find no medical reason I wasn't conceiving. So I had settled with myself that I was going to be a childless woman. And convinced myself that I could be ok with that reality.

Then along came my husband...soulmate...best friend. And then along came the child that was never supposed to be mine. And all those feelings that I thought I had dealt with came crashing back.

I want to be a mother.

I want to be a mother.

Dammit.

I want to have a child with this magnificent man. And he wants to have a child with me.

So we're back to square one. Going to the clinic again, and I'm nervous. I don't even know when we'll actually have an appointment ... and I'm already nervous.