Pumpkins

Happy Halloween! We have a neighbourhood that really gets into this night. Everyone decorates their homes, are out on the porches waiting for the trick or treaters, pumpkins glowing ... my next door neighbours even shoot off fireworks every year.

These neighbours have two kids. Their daughter, E., is just in grade one, and their son, A., was born last April. She was nervous to tell me that she was pregnant, and it was one of my first close experiences after our miscarriage of having to smile and reassure someone that I was happy for her pregnancy. And I was. It was just so hard to watch her get bigger every time I saw her, and then to see her bring home her little boy.

But tonight, I fell in love with him. He was dressed up like a little pumpkin ... looking just like one of those Anne Geddes pictures. Sitting in his swing, head held up really straight and smiling for all he's worth at everyone! And then when she brought him outside ... he reached his little arms right out to me ... and gurgled and smiled. My heart overflowed.

I want a little pumpkin.

Be the change ...

I've been away all week, participating in an executive leadership program. This was the second module in a six month experience. Jim Clemmer, an author who focuses on leadership development, gave this workshop. Much of it was the usual management vs leadership stuff, but the second day asked us to focus on ourselves. You can't give what you don't have .... be the change you want to see in the world kind of stuff.

We started out with a visualization exercise that put us in a hot air balloon, lifting us off the ground and time travelling to any point in the future that we wanted. For some reason my mind went to the year 2020 ... 16 years from now.

It was amazing! Even in the midst of all this infertility crap, and sometimes feeling like such a failure because I can't seem to produce what some other women bring forth so easily ... I felt so energized, focused, centered and affirmed after this visualization exercise.

I saw hubby and I living in a slightly bigger, cape cod home, not far from where we are living now ... just more water frontage and trees. I saw Frodo and Mini-Me at their ages of 25 and 23 ... happy, settled and healthy. I also saw another boy ... apparently our son. He was in his teens although I couldn't place an exact age. And he was healthy, happy, loved and enjoying life to the fullest!

Hubby and I were still the best of friends. Things were not drastically different ... we weren't rich; we were still involved in our community; we were still in love. Oh ... I was skinnier and apparently magically had begun to enjoy working out.

I have not been able to let go of that experience. It was wonderful.

Be the change you want to see in the world. I guess I need to start taking the steps to be that change, if even in my own attitude and way of looking at life.

Grown ups eat better....

I'm packing for a week long business trip that I'm leaving on today. This, after a weekend of being by myself and eating not much other than cinammon buns, chocolate chip cookies and the grand capper last night - pizza. I should not be allowed to stay home by myself. I'm not grown up enough.

I'm trying to find my stretchy leggings to take with me. I used to wear them to go to the gym, but then discovered that they're really comfortable to run around the house in after you've had a food binge weekend like mine. Only they're missing! Oh I have a few other pairs, but the lycra in them has all given away it's stretch, and the crotch area is ripped in most of them from ignoring the "do not put me in the dryer" instructions.

My packing is interesting:

• business dress for two days ~ check
  
• casual dress for the other two days ~ check
  
• crotchless stretch pants for the hotel room ~ check (but whoah, that sounds bad!)
  
• bedside reading "Taking Control of Your Fertility" and Ann Rule's latest book ~ interesting mix but check
  

So I'll be computer-free for the next few days as I'm not taking a laptop with me. One of the places that I'm headed to mid-week is an executive leadership experience which is taking place in a back to nature, granola type place in the middle of freakin' nowhere, so why bother to take the laptop?

And by Thursday night when I get home, after not having seen my honey for a week, I'll be ummmm busy. And I just realized that if I leave the word "crotchless" in this post, I'm likely to get some interesting google hits. Frig it. I'm leaving it all.

Resurfaced Feelings

My honey called again this morning....man, do I miss him! He had a good time at the wedding. This was the first time his family has been together since 1986. I can't even imagine going that long without seeing my family. Especially since he is so into family ... which is why I think us having a child together is so important to him.

I had long ago come to grips with the reality that I might never have a child of my own. In my first marriage, I had been the whole fertility clinic route. Charting, temping, medication, tests, laperscopy ... and nothing happened. It was strange. The doctors told me they could find no medical reason I wasn't conceiving. So I had settled with myself that I was going to be a childless woman. And convinced myself that I could be ok with that reality.

Then along came my husband...soulmate...best friend. And then along came the child that was never supposed to be mine. And all those feelings that I thought I had dealt with came crashing back.

I want to be a mother.

I want to be a mother.

Dammit.

I want to have a child with this magnificent man. And he wants to have a child with me.

So we're back to square one. Going to the clinic again, and I'm nervous. I don't even know when we'll actually have an appointment ... and I'm already nervous.

I want this....

Ok...so perhaps posting a picture of a pregnant belly isn't the coolest thing to do in a blog that tends to focus on infertility, but I just thought this one was so awesome! It really reminded me of the miracle that pregnancy is ... and once again how badly I want it.

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Gratitude for my life today

I've been reading so many positive comments in blogs of late regarding how very much husbands of my infertile blogs friends are loved. And it got me to thinking about my own ... especially since he flew off to another province this morning to attend his sister's wedding. We won't see each other now until the end of next week - the longest period we've been apart since we met.

My husband is an incredible man. Incredible doesn't even really begin to describe it, but it's one word that works.

The only regret that we have about our lives is that we didn't meet each other twenty years ago, but then again, we wouldn't be the people we are today if we had met then.

We met at a party several years ago, and it truly was one of those moments when I knew I had found a soul mate. I had spent most of my life living with walls securely up around my heart. This awesome man showed me how to let the walls down. Since I've been with him, I notice that life is sweeter. It's easier to smile at people, and I want to be a better person. He can see the good in any situation, and he keeps me grounded. He always says that we could have fun in a ditch together, and he's right.

I dropped him off at the airport this morning, and immediately began missing him. And it's not like we don't both have very busy separate lives outside of each other, but our priority is each other ... an experience I've never had before.

I tingle when he walks into a room.

He calls, and my heart does a little leap.

He already is an incredible father to his two boys, and I know that if we are ever blessed with a child of our own, that child will be the luckiest little person around because of their daddy.

I am so grateful that this wonderful, loving, giving, caring, exciting, incredible, sexy, handsome hunk of a man has chosen me to be his best friend, soul mate and life partner.

God I miss him!

Another leg on the journey

So the doctor's appointment yesterday went well. I should clarify that the doctor that I referred to yesterday with the horrible bedside manner is not my general practitioner doctor, whom I had the appointment with yesterday.

She was pleased that we have finally decided to accept her suggestion of a referral to the fertility clinic, and took no time at all in filling it out. She also offered to go through my medical file and pull together all results from my previous involvement at the clinic. She thinks that this might save some steps and time when we do get our appointment.....important given, in her words, my "advanced maternal age". Hmmm.....hadn't thought about myself as suffering from "advanced maternal age syndrome" in quite a while. That was the label on my file two years when I discovered my pregnancy. I guess I'm even more advanced now. I always was an overachiever!

Hubby was pleased that I had made the request. He's not sure how far he wants to take it, but as he said, one step at a time. Let's see how he feels when he has to wake me up with a basal therometer instead of a kiss and a cup of coffee. Wait....let's see how I feel about that!!! I prefer the coffee and kiss routine I think!

So we're off on another leg of this journey through the wonderful land of infertility. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I remember how obsessed I got with it all when I was at the clinic before, and I've been working so hard not to obsess of late. Even though I have been, it's been quietly, by myself and in this blog. This will bring the obsession into daily routine and conversation. It has lots of ups, but I also am so afraid to get my hopes up again.

On a brighter note, I just ran into a coworker and friend whose wife has suffered two miscarriages in the last eighteen months. Both times they were devastated, and although I've never met her, I had sent a card and loaned them a book that we had found helpful during our loss. He shared with me this morning that she is due in April 2005, is suffering through major bouts of morning sickness, and loving every single minute of it. It's nice to hear some good news, especially when it's from people that I know can appreciate the miracle of what they are now experiencing. I'm praying for them. Like I told him, there's a belief that the sicker the stickier. Let's hope that's true for them.

Unwanted company...unexpected request...

Monday Monday, can't take that day...la la dee da ... how does that song go?

Doesn't much matter. What does matter is that today was cd 38, but I woke up to my good friend and constant companion, Ms. Unwanted Flo, moving in for the week.

I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for this morning. I was going to have an internal since I remembered the other day that I hadn't had one in almost two years. Hard to believe. Me, who used to spread her legs for this lovely doctor every six weeks or so after a long few years fighting dysplasia. I was one of those fortunate few who is in that .01% of the statistic that does not respond to the laser treatment, and had the treat of having more and more treatments at the hands of the doctor with the worst bedside manner in the world for five years. Yay me! I love being different!!! After our miscarriage, I went back for one follow up appointment in November 2002 and haven't been back since. I guess I'll have to schedule another appointment to experience the joy of receiving the cold instrument at a later date.

Oh and while we're jumping on the bandwagon, I figured I might as well talk to her about getting a mammogram today too. After all, I am now at that age where I should have my breasts trampled, squeezed and poked on an annual basis.

I don't even want to think about the lecture I'm going to get about my weight. I have promised myself, though, that I will not add to my own misery today by allowing her to make me step on the scale. I know I'm overweight. I know I have to get serious about hauling it off. I do not need a medical professional to reemphasize this with me today. Not today. I'm cranky enough as it is.

On the up side (because I am Pollyanna and I do have to have an upside) this unwelcome arrival gives me another month to get back on the weight loss and exercise kick that I so desperately need to embrace and get serious about.

Hmmm....just as I was about to send this to post, my hubby called from work. He has been thus far against us engaging in any activity at our local fertility clinic. Some of that is because he has trouble with the fact that I already went that route in my lousy first marriage with my asshole first husband who didn't know the meaning of being a father to his children from his first marriage ... and some of his reluctance is because he truly believed we would be able to conceive without assistance. When I was at the fertility clinic 10+ years ago, I underwent every test to determine if there was any reason I wasn't conceiving, and there was no medical or physical reason found. Today I believe that God was protecting me from having offspring with an asshole that would then require me to remain attached to him for the rest of my life, and as much as I want children, I'm grateful that I don't have to have any contact with my asshole ex (did I mention he is an asshole?) today.

Anyhow, I digress. Back to hubby's call. He left this morning kind of sad because he knew my period had started. He feels it as deeply each month as I do, and he's not afraid to say that....one of the many many things I love about him. So just as I'm about to hit "post" on this, he calls and asks if I have given any thought lately to asking my doctor for a referral back to the clinic. I actually have been thinking about it of late, but didn't think it worth mentioning to him as he has always been opposed to it as an option.

This morning he thinks I should ask the doctor for a referral to the clinic.

Wow.

Monday, Monday...........

To pause or not to pause ...

It's day 37 of another long cycle.

I don't think that I'm pregnant. Lately my mind starts to wander into other areas of possibility. Like how warm I've been during the days of the last few weeks. And how tired I've been...sleeping like a log. Does this mean I'm entering menopause?

My mother, who had trouble conceiving but did manage to do so with me by the time she was 32, began menopause by the time she was 39. Since I've followed in her conceiving-challenged footsteps, will I also follow in her early change footsteps?

I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant because I've conducted two home tests ~ both with negative outcomes. I also feel some symptoms today that could indicate I'm going to start my period any time now.

As much as I want to be pregnant, and to have a child of our own, I have these other thoughts once in a while. There are times when I wish someone would just confirm with me that it's never going to happen ... or that I'm now in menopause ... or believe it or not, that I have to have a total hysterectomy ... so that I wouldn't have to go through this waiting/guessing/hoping/second guessing game every month only to have it end in my feeling like a failure once more.

I hate trying to figure out why this eludes us.

Why?

Wow...there is so much sadness around these days. I've been reading through the blogs that I peruse daily, and so many of these women are having incredibly, unfair, incomprehensible shitty situations occuring in their lives.

Why is it that something that is supposed to be a given ... something that women have been doing for thousands of years ... evades so many of us today?

Are we asking for so much?

All we want is what we were always told we could expect to have in life. In fact in some cases, we might have been raised to believe that it was our duty.

When I got married in the Catholic Church, I was asked if I would raise my children Catholic. I was thinking "just let me have ONE frigging child and I'll raise it right on the steps of the church!!!!"

I listen to people moan about their kids...neglect them....complain about being tied down. I would give anything to have a sore back from being pregnant; swollen feet; be tied to the house helping with homework and teethbrushing with a child that looked just like hubby and I.

I dream about that child. It's always a boy. He has hubby's build and outgoing personality, and my work ethic and sense of humour. He has a strong faith, and a wicked laugh. He gives the best hugs, and he picks me dandelions. He believes in Santa and loses his teeth.

And he only exists in my imagination.

Why? Why? Why?

What I do have....

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I'm determined to swing out of this bitchy mood that I'm in, and become more tuned into the many many things that I have to be thankful for at this point in my life!

• the most incredible husband who loves me just where I am any time, even on the sitting on the couch watching tv eating chip with my glasses on, sweatpants rolled under my belly, hair stuck up like Something About Mary days
• two incredible stepsons that bring a whole new dimension to my previously organized and somewhat sedate life
• a family that, although sometimes puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, loves each other and are good, decent human beings
• my faith in God and my Christian community of friends
• a job that is challenging and rewarding ~ with opportunities presenting themselves on an almost daily basis of late
• a stable house that has become a home filled with laughter, music, testosterone and dirty socks from the afore mentioned testosterone carriers
• my health, both physical and mental
• good teeth and a reasonable singing voice

So I haven't managed to bring forth a babe. Perhaps I am meant to bring many other things to this life. Maybe I need to stop focusing so hard on what I don't have and get back to being grateful for what I do have today.

Just a thought.

Thankfulness and worry...

Today is cd 26 and the game begins. Will this be a 28 day cycle...or will it drag out to 34 days like it did last month, driving me crazy and sending me to buy double hpts again? And now I've allowed a new nag to wander into my turmoil this month...is it possible that these lengthening cycles mean I'm perimenopausal???

I'm trying to remember what will be, will be.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend and I'm happy to report heartwarming news. Last night at dinner Hubby asked Mini Me and Frodo what they were thankful for this year.

Mini Me listed being thankful for me before his thankfulness for the PS2 game!

I have arrived.

Frodo, on the other hand, is thankful for footballs. Gotta love boys!

I need a life....

Today was a good day. I slept in, and awoke to a torrential downpour outside, which snarled traffic beyond belief. On a good day it takes me 30 minutes to get from my community into the city and then to my parking lot beside the office. Today it would have taken over an hour ... so I made an executive decision to stay home for part of the morning and work from here. Good choice! It got me off to a great start, which was much needed as the day progressed.

Why is it that we try to cram 12 hours worth of work into an 8 hour day lately? It's a sad statement when you're leaving your office at 7:30 p.m., and there are still people there to whom to say goodnight! But I digress....

Two things that happened today that made my day:
1. I won a contest to get free product from the weight loss program I used in 1998 to successfully lose 60 lbs. Only downside is that the centre that is making me the offer is quite a distance from my home, and the reason it worked for me before was that I went in daily. This would not be an option this time around, but I feel motivated to do this again.

2. I had a pain on my right side all day long. Now normally this wouldn't seem a good thing, but it felt suspiciously like an ovulation or implantation pain. Now I might just be into some wishful thinking here, because of course it might also be the start of my period....but hey, I can live positively for a while right???

As busy as I am, I feel like I need to get a life when these are the things that excite me!

One day at a time....

I think that I'm finally beginning to understand what it is that is within my control in that whole big list of things of current events in my life that I listed last week.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

And once I accepted that, and handed it all over, things took on a life of their own.

My job situation has seemingly worked itself out. The person I'm currently replacing won't be back for another six months; the reorg did not eliminate my home position; and when he does return, it looks like I'm going to have an interesting new assignment to move onto anyhow.

The kids have been really great the last week or so, and Knothead hasn't showed her horns at all. In fact, she agreed to let us take the kids with us to my folks for Thanksgiving dinner next weekend. Wow!

A bunch of us that didn't get a chance to say goodbye to our good friend who died a few weeks ago are organizing a benefit in her name to raise money to buy her grandson a working dog. He has autism.

The anniversary date of our loss came and went, and I survived.

And the one thing that I CAN control....my weight and eating plan...seems to be coming back under control. I am feeling motivated to get my ample ass back in gear and on track. I've put in four good days so far.

One day at a time...one day at a time.