I took the damn flower at Mass this morning, plus filled out a damn ticket for a damn pair of tickets to a damn Mother's Day lobster supper. Then I sat through the whole Mass hoping and praying that they wouldn't draw my name out because I felt like such a damn fraud!
And my husband, whom I normally adore and think is the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man on earth, is a first class knob today. He actually said to me "what's up with you today? You're in a funky mood! Perk up!"
Perk. Up. WTF?????
I'm seriously questioning whether or not I'm going to continue trying to conceive. Even with clomid, I don't appear to be ovulating, and this clinic that I'm at isn't being much help at all. I am glad that I'm charting this cycle because I plan to make a follow up appointment at the clinic and take the chart in with me for an opinion. There is another doctor there that I've heard really good things about, and am considering asking for an appointment and further opinion from her. I also wonder how much of this might have to do with factors on HB's side of things. After all, we never did manage to get his sperm_tested . I just don't know if I can keep doing this - cycling through hope, frustration; questioning why it is that I can't do what is supposedly so natural to women; not having a place in the world as a parent and wanting it so
I really am learning how important it is to think before speaking. The people at Mass today were just trying to be kind. They had no idea what kind of pain can be caused by seemingly kind gestures. How many other infertile women, or women who have experienced the loss of a child or children, were faced with those same choices this morning in that parish? Take the rose or don't take the rose? Fill out the ticket or don't fill it out?
Ironically enough, as the man handed me the rose, saying Happy Mother's Day to me, he also said "ow...watch that one....there are still thorns on it!"
No kidding.
Should have chosen to walk on by.
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5 comments:
I am sorry. It's gonna be a long day today for a lot of people, I think.
Don't you think it's time for an 'Infertile' Holiday? It only seems right to me.
I hope the rest of your day goes a little (or a lot)smoother.
((HUGS))
~Tiffanni
So sorry your day was so hard. It's not mothers day here so I don't have to suffer in this way. Just keep passing the open windows
I know exactly how you feel. During my treatments a few years back, Mother's Day happened to fall at the end of a cycle and a I started my period. Talk about wanting to scream, vomit, and curse ...
I settled for hiding in my room and bawling.
Yea, yesterday sucked. My husband was clueless, too. Interesting about the rose w/thorns. Hope you're feeling better, and thinking clearer today. I would definitely seek an appointment with the other doctor - for her opinion if nothing else.
I'm sorry. There are plenty of other flowers that don't have thorns. {hugs}
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