Poor poor pitiful me

Another year is almost at an end. I sat with my calendar last night and according to my count, by this time next week I should be an ovulating fool. Dropping eggs like there's no tomorrow.

I got on the scale this morning too, though. I am out of control. I've put on 4 lbs just since Dec 23 ... 4 lbs in six days! I didn't think that was humanly possible. If I got pregnant now, it would be totally unhealthy for me and the baby I think.

I feel almost selfish focusing on this today when there is so much else going on in the world. But it's where my head is, and it is my blog so I guess it's ok to be self centered for a minute or two.

I've been going to the gym - three or four times a week. I am, not, however, eating properly or drinking water. I'm back to coffee, albeit decaf, and caffeine free diet coke. I had almost removed those totally from my life.

It's like I am a self sabateur. This morning I'm getting dressed, in my usual black because I think it makes me look smaller outfit, and I'm totally depressing myself because I have all this weight back on! Three years ago I was proudly zipping into size 10 jeans. Now I couldn't get a pair of jeans around a thigh if I wanted to! Even my maternity clothes won't fit me if I get pregnant. Shit, they don't fit me now!

So I figure I have two choices:

• keep complaining, do nothing, and blow up
• get back to what I know works for me and keep my one day at a time philosophy in mind; focus on the journey and not the destination; keep going to the gym and set a mini goal of getting these 4 lbs back off as a start

I think I know which one I'll choose.