2004 Passes Peacefully On

The last day of 2004. Hubby and I went to see "Annie" last night at the theatre. I bawled all the way through it. Live musical theatre does me in ... and to willingly go watch a story about adoption when you're as hormonal as I am just doesn't help it out at all!

I'd like to be all retrospective and deep today about this past year, but nothing is coming. It's been a good year. There are things that have happened that have challenged me, certainly. And there are things that I would like to have done differently, but it's been a good year.

I also don't have a list of resolutions to kick off this new year. I really do need to continue with the exercise but that's a daily resolution, not a new year one. I also truly need to get serious about getting my weight under control, per yesterday's post, but again, that's a daily resolution.

Our plans for this evening fell through. We were going to join up with some friends at a very small fire hall outside of the city where one of them was playing in the band. It was that small, though, that no one bought tickets and they had to cancel the gig, so we're up in the air for tonight. One of the guys from the band just called, and suggested that they get some lobster and come here tonight for a jam session - which is probably what we'll end up doing. Works for me. I've never been a big one on this passing of the new year and all the formality associated with it, but it would be nice to spend it with friends this evening, and I never say no to a good lobster feed!

I'll leave on this note today. Happy New Year....there's hope for us yet:

Romanian, 67, to become world's oldest mom

Poor poor pitiful me

Another year is almost at an end. I sat with my calendar last night and according to my count, by this time next week I should be an ovulating fool. Dropping eggs like there's no tomorrow.

I got on the scale this morning too, though. I am out of control. I've put on 4 lbs just since Dec 23 ... 4 lbs in six days! I didn't think that was humanly possible. If I got pregnant now, it would be totally unhealthy for me and the baby I think.

I feel almost selfish focusing on this today when there is so much else going on in the world. But it's where my head is, and it is my blog so I guess it's ok to be self centered for a minute or two.

I've been going to the gym - three or four times a week. I am, not, however, eating properly or drinking water. I'm back to coffee, albeit decaf, and caffeine free diet coke. I had almost removed those totally from my life.

It's like I am a self sabateur. This morning I'm getting dressed, in my usual black because I think it makes me look smaller outfit, and I'm totally depressing myself because I have all this weight back on! Three years ago I was proudly zipping into size 10 jeans. Now I couldn't get a pair of jeans around a thigh if I wanted to! Even my maternity clothes won't fit me if I get pregnant. Shit, they don't fit me now!

So I figure I have two choices:

• keep complaining, do nothing, and blow up
• get back to what I know works for me and keep my one day at a time philosophy in mind; focus on the journey and not the destination; keep going to the gym and set a mini goal of getting these 4 lbs back off as a start

I think I know which one I'll choose.

A peek at me

I was reading Cecily's blog, which I do every day, and saw the picture of her dog Hammer. And so, because I am bored, and know that there are probably only two people that peruse my blog on any kind of semi-regular basis, I thought I'd play around this morning with adding some pictures to it.

So here we go:


Hubby_&_I_on_vacation_this_summer - we went to a family reunion and drove with my parents. It was a great trip and gave us awesome memories!

Our_friend_Paul's_15_minutes_of_fame_on_the_internet - this guy is a great friend of ours and as with many of our friends, in serious need of therapy. He got the bright idea to take a digital pic of himself sitting on the toilet and then put it on the side of his plumbing truck. Someone took a pic of it, posted it on the internet and it made the rounds! I received it from friends in other countries who didn't know this was our friend! He plays in my husband's band, and was interviewed by a local tv station here, where he said "yep...been a singer/songwriter for 25 years, and my 15 minutes of fame comes about while I'm sitting on the can"

Our_dogs - Barkley is a 160 lb Landseer Newfoundland who we rescued from the shelter. Sheba is the "little" dog - 80 lb Rottie/Lab mix, who we rescued from Paul (see above story for reason she needed a stable home!)

Our_wedding_day_May_2004 - the day that celebrated all that is good and just in the world.

So there you go. A peek into the world I call mine.

"Baby it's coooold outside" ~ as the song goes.

I have been hoping for snow all month and last night we got it! Boy, did we get it! It's a blizzard - not as bad as the one we got last February, but a blizzard none the less.

The other very cool thing is that the kids were here with us when it struck! The cable is out (although thankfully the hi-speed internet still works) so we're doing other stuff.

The oldest boy and I just painted up the basement windows with markers that are supposed to wash off. My mother gave them to the boys for Christmas. Along with two big bottles of Silly String. I'm not sure why she hates me so much ... she says it's revenge for all the noisy gifts I bought my sister's kids when they were young.

Maybe this time next year, we'll have another little boy or girl to share a holiday snow storm with ... one can hope right?

Boxing Day Bonanza

I am married to the most amazing man. We've often said we could have fun in a ditch together, and yesterday was a fine example of the mirth and merriment that we share.

Yes, we had all the trimmings of Christmas - a few nice gifts, very thoughtful and demonstrative of how well we know each other. But my favourite gift of all? The gift of time that we were given yesterday with family and with each other - and the gifts of laughter and love.

We got up semi late (for us anyhow) yesterday - 7:30 a.m. We had breakfast. We called family members to wish them good morning and merry Christmas. We talked to our two boys and shared their excitement by phone. We opened our stockings and gifts from each other.

Then we peeled potatoes together, and made a big pot of mashed garlic potatoes to take up to my parents' home, which is about an hour away. The weather was perfect for our drive - not a drop of snow and lots of sun so no black ice possibilities.

We laughed, sang, talked and dreamed on our drive. And then we shared family together.

My sister had us in stitches, doing impressions of my brother "whistling" for the dog. It's at Christmas that I miss my brother most especially since it was Boxing Day five years ago that I last saw him alive. She brought his voice and total goofiness back to life for me yesterday. Our mother laughed so hard we were worried for her a few times.

It was good. It was all good.

My husband gifted me with a mobile that has the three most beautiful stuffed teddy bear angels. We have hung it in our front room, and along with it, said a prayer of hope and desire that this year will be our year.

On another note, the side effects of the clomid have set in. Not too bad with the mood swings ~ although my husand has decreed that I will not carve the turkey today due to the use of sharp objects ~ but the hot flashes and fatigue are ever present. I hadn't realized that hot flashes were a side effect, although my husband certainly remembered that fact. I was a bit concerned that I had flipped into menopause overnight!

There. My ramblings from a deliriously happy chick today. Happy Boxing Day.

One down, five to go

Bloodwork carried out yesterday. By a very chipper and efficient lab tech who had consumed a LOT of sugar that day I think! She poked really hard and left a bruise, which usually doesn't happen to me.

I heeded my friend's advice and took the first two Clomid pills last night before bed. Well, not really before bed. Before we left the house to go to an open house.

I've been sweating and hot flashing ever since. Not sure if this is usual or not.

And although my kidneys are too close to my eyeballs on a normal day, I spent a lot of time boo-hoo'ing in the car this morning on the way to work. Christmas carols made me weep. A radio announcer read a card aloud that her coworker had given me ... I sobbed at the red light.

This will be fun!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night........ideally free of night sweats.

Wrong count

I'm not sure now when to get the bloodwork done.

My cycles have been slightly messed up over the last while, and I was pretty sure I had actually started yesterday. It would seem though that this wasn't the case. Now I think I have started as of this evening, but it's all so light I don't know whether to count tomorrow as day 2 or not. Either way, I'm going to either go for the bloodwork by Friday morning or forget about doing it this cycle. I can't imagine that my FSH levels are going to change that much with one day so I might just go tomorrow and be done with it.

Someone at work did caution me to take a pregnancy test, just in case though. Good advice which I will be taking first thing in the morning. I don't need any help with loss ~ I'm quite skilled at doing that all on my own.

Thanks for the good wishes and thoughts ~ I'll take every single one of them.

Tomorrow's the day

My period arrived last night. Bloodwork and first dose of clomid tomorrow. I blubbered all the way through the Advent concert tonight without the freaking medication, and I was singing, so that wasn't good!

There will be no turning back this time tomorrow.

Maybe this will be my holiday memory making miracle.

The greatest gift

Yesterday I attended a dinner for the homeless and hungry in our area. The group that put it on prepared 60 turkeys with all the trimmings. It has been about five years since I involved myself with this group, and now I'm wondering why it took me so long to do it again. And why I limit this involvement only to the holiday time.

The group that organized this goes about it with such respect. The gymnasium is decorated beautifully. The tables are set with real dishes and nice paper napkins. Candles burn in bowls of cranberries. People sit at the tables and are served, rather than standing in a line to receive their meal. Their plates are cleared for them, and dessert, coffee or tea brought.

My husband and I provided music for the first hour and a half. Although I love to sing, and humbly acknowledge that I do have a gift in my voice, I have never been a confident public singer. But yesterday, I felt as though I had been handed every confidence in the world. We sang "O Holy Night" and I felt as if I was transported to another realm while I was up on the stage.

I watched young and old sit and share a meal together. Homeless with wealthy. Scholars with illiterate. There were many points when I could not tell one from the other. Everyone was together - enjoying the season. Some serving and some being served. Hard to tell whether I did more serving than being served yesterday. My soul feels as though I received far more than I ever could give.

And it is at times like this that I understand. If we are not meant to be parents to our own biological child, my husband and I have many other callings in this life. I will most definitely be sad. I will miss knowing that we share a child. But we will work together to leave a legacy here on this earth. And we will continue to be served ourselves as we travel.

Yesterday was the best gift I've been given in years.

Scared and Excited

Today is day 31 of this cycle. Which means that I could start my period and my new cycle any day. Which also means I start the clomid on day 3, and we're off to the races.

We had such a lousy start to our day today, which was based on a lot of bottled up stuff I had been keeping inside, that I truly questioned whether we should be doing this or not. Again. My questioning today was based on the fact that lately I just feel like my husband and I have been off in so many directions we haven't had time for each other. Do we have time for a child?

Am I just stalling?

Am I terrified?

Am I petrified it will work and that I will miscarry again?

What if we actually carry a baby to term and have a new family member?

It's what I want and what scares me the most, all at the same time.

Hands around the world

Ok, he's not on the market any more. He has redeemed himself. I so dislike it when things are not solid between us that I tend to overreact.

I went for blood work today - the day 23 bloodwork ordered by the clinic. Sat between one woman who was obviously pregnant, and another who was just pregnant and having her first workup. I am taking it as a positive sign ... and I was proud of myself ... I resisted rubbing her belly like the fertility buddha that she reminded me of!

Reading this has made me realize just how close people can become through this journey of infertility, and luckily in many cases, pregnancies and deliveries. Even though I've never met Julie, I feel like I'm one of a few thousand honourary internet aunts to Charlie. All of this because of blogs we find and follow, and all of that because we have the unfortunate commonality of infertility.

Who'da thunk it?

One Husband for Sale or Rent - Cheap

I'm writing to save my husband's life tonight. If I don't write, I may do some serious damage to him. Man he is frustrating me tonight!!!

He and I have very different methods of coping with stress and dealing with anger. I acknowledge that I have a very high tolerance level but I get tired of always being the one to have to put up with his moods.

Now I also know that things are so good between us 99% of the time that I have become almost intolerable of the 1% when they are not good. I used to have unreasonable expectations that he would always be in a good mood because I am almost always in a good mood. Once I realized that wasn't going to happen, then I had to learn that when he gets in a mood it wasn't anything personal toward me.

But holy shit, you have to be way on top of your game all the time to do that! And tonight I was not on top of my game.

Yes, I know he is tired. And yes, I know that he teaches all day long (well from 8:30 to 3:30). And yes, I know that he has two Christmas concerts going on. And yes, he has staff parties at both of the schools he teaches at. And yes, he chooses to work out every day after work, plus do tae kwan do two or three times a week.

But you know what? I begin work at 8:00 a.m. and usually leave the office at about 7:00 p.m., on a good day. I go none stop in meetings, so the work happens after office hours. I am working with a totally unreasonable ass of a boss right now, and the one woman that I do respect and who I consider my mentor is leaving her job next week. And I come home to cook and tidy up, plus do all of the other daily living things that people are called to do. I support him when the kids are here, and I'm on the go just as much. But I don't bang doors and yell when I'm tired and frustrated.

Now he and I have a pact that we will always try to see Jesus in each other's eyes, and to be Jesus for each other. In fact, the first song we danced to at our wedding was called "I Can See Jesus in Your Eyes". But the human in me is having a hard time with that concept tonight.

Vent over.

No new news

We're kind of biding time at the moment. Ever since the botched "Operation Semen Drop" exercise last week, we've hardly discussed fertility, or rather the lack thereof, in this house. We also have hardly had a moment to spend with each other.

I have one round of blood work scheduled for this Friday morning - day 23 of my cycle.

The next round will be day 2 of my new cycle at which time my FSH will be tested. That same day I will start Clomid.

Weight 'n cee I guess.

How I Spent My Day Off

Today was an example of how important having a sense of humour is in this big game of infertility.

We had made the decision that today would be "the day of the semen sample drop off". It was a big deal for my husband! First, the concept of abstaining for three full days was almost incomprehensible to him. The whole deal actually required careful planning and orchestration as we live about 35 minutes from the hospital on a good traffic day, and the drop off could only happen between 8:00 and 8:45 a.m. Because of our work schedules, I was given the responsibility of actually making the drop off.

When the doctor at the clinic gave us the requisition, on a lovely robin's egg blue sheet, she told us that they were having some trouble with the lab. It seems that the lab at the Women's Hospital is presently closed because it is moving so they had made arrangements with the general hospital to have the tests conducted at their lab.

Because of this, she suggested that we call the lab at the general hospital a few days prior to taking the sample in. My husband made the call on Tuesday and got all the information we needed to be good to go for Operation Semendrop this morning. They gave very specific instructions about writing the time of "sample collection" on the pretty blue sheet, ensuring that we kept it at body temperature and ideally dropping it off within one hour of collection.

And oh, did I mention that today is my one day off before the holidays?

So we get up this morning, and walk through the timing required to carry this off. I had printed off the directions and even a picture of the building I needed to go to because one thing I have become relatively famous for is getting lost in my own house. I am definitely directionally challenged.

We have the precision timing down. He goes into the bathroom to collect the specimen while I go out and start the vehicle so it won't be too cold. He comes out with the deed done, and places the "required sterile container" in a brown paper bag. I already have the lovely blue requisition in my purse. We meet in the front hall, kiss and he passes off the bag to me ~ it was a perfectly timed relay race.

I oh so wittily toss over my shoulder as I leave at 7:45 a.m. "gee, hope I don't pull a Wil and Grace thing here and bang into a pole, knocking myself out" (remember that episode?) and jump into the heated vehicle.

Traffic cooperates, and even though I drove the whole way with the bag cradled carefully between my thighs to ensure the temperature was right, I arrive at the alternate lab at precisely 8:30 a.m. Fifteen minutes to spare! I park at a meter, plug some money in, and present myself and my package to the "specimen drop off counter".

At which time the tech looks at me and my blue form and says:
"We don't accept blue reqs here."

Now knowing that she is obviously incorrect and down a quart of caffeine, I smile and say "oh no, we called. We were told to bring it here", and hold out the bag for her to take.

Again she says:
"We do NOT accept blue reqs here".

To which I say, ever so sweetly, "but excuse me...it's just a piece of coloured paper. Isn't it really the contents of this bag that you need to do the work on?"

She sees that I'm not getting it. So she calls her supervisor on the phone.
"Hello? Do we accept blue reqs here? "
and then I hear
"well, you better come tell her because she's about ready to lose it".

She comes back to the counter and tells me that her supervisor is coming out to speak to me. I look at my watch and notice that the first hour is almost up.

The supervisor comes out, and in the hallway with a fair amount of pedestrian traffic, explains to me that the INFERTILITY clinic has made a mistake, and that the INFERTILITY doctor should never have told us to bring our SPERM sample to this lab. She tells me that I will have to take the SPERM sample over to another lab in another hospital and they will test it there. She says that my doctor at the INFERTILITY clinic made a mistake.

And then she makes her fatal mistake. She says:
"I know how you feel"
as she reaches to pat my arm.

I am not known for being very assertive, and definitely not known for getting angry, but with every thing I had in me, I looked this woman in the eye and through my clenched teeth told her that she most definitely did not know how I felt.

Then with every ounce of dignity I could muster up, I took my bag full of sperm, turned on my heel and left.

I make my way over two blocks to the hospital that houses the lab she has sent me to, find parking, and rush into this new lab. Again clutching my brown paper bag and pretty blue requisition form. Three women are standing behind this "specimen drop off" counter. I smile, hold out the bag and the pretty blue paper. A look of horror crosses all three faces, and I realize that my husband's sperm is about to be rejected yet again.

So I did the only thing I could do. I began to cry. Standing there in the hallway of the laboratory, holding a bag full of sperm and bawling. One of the three techs took pity on me. She explained that I had to take the sample up to the 6th floor in the adjoining hospital which is where they have a lab that does "this kind of analysis" and tells me to come with her...she'll take me up there herself.

Which she does. We get off the elevator and walk right up to the counter.

Of the Fertility Clinic that had made the referral in the first place.

I handed the sample to the woman behind the desk at 9:30 a.m. and told her to throw it in the garbage.

And then I went shopping.

Dubya Tumbler

My city was taken over by George W. Bush mania today. He came for two and a half fricking hours to say thank you to Canadians for the 9/11 support provided to diverted air passengers, and turned the city upside down. I had a meeting in one building this morning, and outside of that building, gathered in the parade square, were about 2000 protesters. I left that meeting to walk back to my office building about two hours later. The entire street was shut down because the protesters were taking it over. I met an elderly woman at the bus stop who was that nervous that she actually asked to walk with me.

And tell me this? Doesn't it kind of violate the whole secretness around the secret service if they let the public know that they have code names for the presidents? The paper published it today. George W. is affectionately referred to as "Tumbler".

Craziness.

Then I stopped at the drugstore on the way home to pick up the Clomid. I knew that it wouldn't be covered under my insurance but didn't expect to see this written on the receipt:

"Patient not entitled to this medication"

What do you think? A sign?