Chocolate won't fix it, but it sure helped.

There's a lot going on in blogland. Lots of debates about legalized abortion, Catholicism, Christianity. Lots of opinions being written, mostly civil but also with the undertones and currents that sometimes make me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I wonder if I'm hypocritical by feeling so utterly confused by a lot of the debate. I don't come out clearly on one side of an argument or another. I find myself reading comments and agreeing with many varied opinions. I feel confused, but also am stimulated by all that I am given to think about.

Which, in a roundabout way, leads me to what's on my mind today. Confusion, and much to think about.

I have posted many times here how very much I love my husband. He is the absolute light of my life. I've had a shitload of lousy relationships in my life. I want to state right out that there is no danger of anything happening that will jeopardize my marriage and my relationship with this awesome man, but I have been given much to think about today.

I met my first boyfriend in grade 9, and we wove in and out of each others' lives for many many years. It was one of those relationships that was just always there, you know? He was my boyfriend, and even though I might not have always wanted to be with him, he was mine and it was inconceivable to me that he would ever actually meet someone else!

The last time I saw him was almost 13 years ago. We ran into each other one day quite unexpectedly. By this time he was living in a different town, and it had been a few years since we had been in contact. Imagine my shock when he informed me that he was married. I truly had always believed he would wait for me.

A few days later, he showed up at my door. He told me that he couldn't get me off his mind.

But he was married. And no matter how I felt about him, that is a line that I would never cross.

So we went our separate ways again. Within a very short period of time, I met the jerk, I mean guy, that I would marry by mistake for a minute, and travelled that road for a brief while.

A few days ago, I got an email from that first boyfriend. He tracked me down via the internet, which in itself is kind of freaking me out....that I'm that accessible. We've been emailing back and forth now for a few days, and today he sent me one called "coming clean". He told me that after that visit with me, he went home, and in his words from the email:

"I realized that M and I were not meant to stay together so we separated soon after me coming home. My intention at the time was to move back to the city and try to rekindle my relationship with you. One Saturday morning while scanning the morning paper a picture jumped out at me and behold you had gotten married. What a shock as I didn't even realize you had a boyfriend! Anyhow M and I separated and then divorced over the next few months. Since I saw your picture in the paper I decided that I would not move back to the city because I didn't know if I could stay away, and I knew you were now married."

Now, why he chose to track me down now and share this with me is beyond me. He is now remarried and the father of two young boys. He sounds happy, from his emails. He said today that he never expected to hit 40, so turning 45 this past month was a whole experience for him.

Which has made me ask him if he was sick or dying. Because I really can't figure out why he is sharing all this with me now. I have no intention of seeing him in person, and truthfully am even feeling some guilt about having the email discussions with him and not sharing this with my husband.

Then just to top my day off, I went to a first meeting of a very small weight loss and exercise group I have joined. There are only four of us in the group. I have been advised by my RE not to follow the particular food plan this group is following because it involves using a meal replacement, which of course immediately put me in a different space than the others and caused me to explain why I was following her advice. Turns out one of the other members works at the hospital ... and she was very knowledgeable about infertility treatments. Which she chose to share with me in the parking lot in great detail. She asked me very invasive questions about treatments and tests I've had to date, and then began making suggestions. You can hear the conversation now I bet.

Me: Well, I think I'll be going now...nice mee...

Her: so...is it an incompetent cervix? Have you ever had thus and such treatment? You know where they check your tubes? Have you had that done recently? Who is your doctor? Why didn't she send you for that test again? 10 years is a long time!

Me: Well, it would appear that I don't really have trouble conceiving....

Her: so...have you considered a montgomery stitch? I have twins you know. And a friend of mine who lost her baby at 23 weeks went on to have triplets....TRIPLETS...all because of a montgomery stitch...

Me: that's a nice story..so I guess I'll be go-in....

Her: TRIPLETS! You'll be popping them out in no time...hehehe...bet you have all kinds of kids. You'll be trying to give them away....

Me: yeah, popping them out. That'll be me. I'll save the runt of the litter for you.

I left, drove to the store and bought chocolate. I think I've earned it today, don't you?