Approaching Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not used to posting about my psychotic behaviour, and rereading the last two posts makes me really uncomfortable. I've become so used to my world, with the exception of infertility, being relatively stable so the least little bump now seems like a major mountain to me. And I'm grossly embarrassed about my behaviour of the last few days. I think my meltdown is over as I woke up this morning with a whole new outlook and feeling. Thanks for all the support and advice. HB and I are back on even ground again ... we are very blessed to have the solid, faith centered marriage that we have ... even when I do try to trash it. By last night we were able to joke about it with each other ~ and I can see a standing line coming on now from him every time he is his normal, nice self to any woman. He started it last night by assuring me at least three times while he was talking about stuff that had happened during his day, some of which involved talking to other women, that he was NOT having an affair with each of those other women. What can I say? I earned that one. I'll have to think of another way to torture him. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Anyhow, onto other things. This may be old to some folks, but I found this amazing presentation on line through a message board I just joined this morning. I would love to email it to our family and friends. I don't know who Susan Robinson is, but I love her for putting in images and words what my heart feels! I particularly like the last few slides ~ we don't know what the path to resolution is yet, but it will be resolved. That is so much how I feel. I know that some reading my description of the visit to the clinic yesterday would think that I am not engaging in enough treatment or being assertive enough in pursuing other options, but for us, it's what I needed to hear yesterday. I have been undergoing fertility treatment and testing off and on since 1995. I'm ready for the journey to end, one way or the other. HB and I had made a decision before we went to the clinic last year that we would not go beyond medication. I guess I'm lucky in many ways because for us, it's more about creating a child together than it is about having a family. We already have a family. Frodo and Mini-Me might not have been carried under my heart, but they are children of and in my heart. I also do have faith that there is a plan for me in this life. I just don't always have the patience needed to wait until it's revealed.

It's Canada Day weekend here. We're busy with paddling regattas and bbq's all weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. Then one more full week of work and I'm off on a month of vacation. I can't wait. Frodo and Mini-Me left early this morning for a little vacation to the eastern states with their mother, so we won't have them around until mid next week. We're going to engage in adult behaviours all weekend, and catch up with some friends that we haven't seen nearly enough of over the last few months.

In the "change the things I can" department, I rejoined Weight Watchers on Tuesday evening and have been following the core plan. According to the scale at the clinic yesterday and my own home scale this morning, it appears that I'm already down between 6 to 8 lbs ... unbelievable! I'll wait to see what the scale actually says next Tuesday at my meeting, but I'll take any downward motion at this point ... I am in control of my weight and body image ... and plan to exercise that control! I also invested in the most comfortable pair of Reebok walking shoes the other day and have been loving those. Makes my evening walk so much nicer.

Happy long weekend!