What if?

I've been debating about whether to blog about my mind quandry or not - but then realized that to not blog about it is to deny myself the true avenue this blog is intended to be for me.

HB and I consider ourselves to be people of great faith. We believe in God, and believe that God will not give us any more than we can handle. Some people call it fate; others call it destiny. For us, what happens in our lives that is out of our control is what we call part of God's plan for us.

We have always chosen to believe that our recurrent miscarriages are part of God's plan for us. And not in a "you guys are awful and don't deserve to have children" kind of way. I have been actually been feeling some guilt because I think I'm not feeling sad enough about this loss. When I expressed that to HB the other day, he told me that he believes I'm more at peace with this baby's death because I have indeed been asking to know God's will for me, and more importantly, to be able to accept God's will for me. And I do believe that had this baby been born, it might have been more than we could have handled - and God's plan says we're only going to be given what He knows we can handle.

So that faith and trust helps us to deal with this current loss.

But therein also lies my quandry.

I'm soon going to be 44 years of age, and had pretty much come to grips with the fact that I was not going to be pregnant or a biological mother....and I was starting to be pretty ok with that reality. Then this unexpected pregnancy comes along - which tells me that my body is still capable of conceiving, and who knows, maybe even capable of actually carrying to term. So if HB and I continue in our usual ways (and I do love continuing in our usual ways....hehehe), there is a possibility of conceiving again unless one of us either deals with it surgically or we decide to practice some form of birth control.

I have no qualms at all with ignoring the man made laws of the Catholic Church when it comes to birth control, so I'm probably one of those hypocritical Catholics that people love to talk about. I am a Catholic because my parents are Catholic. There are many things about Catholicism that I disagree with, and many traditions and beliefs of the Catholic faith that I love and in which I take great comfort. I am first and foremost a Christian. I believe that if I get up every day and live my life the way that God calls me to live - and use Christ as my human example of what that call is - then I am living out my baptismal promise here on earth even if I never step forth in a formal church again. It's more important to me to be church in the real world - the world in which I live every day - and be straight in my relationship with the God of my understanding, then it is to be known as someone who was a good Catholic.

If I believe that God has a plan for me, and I believe that God won't send us more than we can handle, then I really don't see how I can mess with His plan by using birth control of any kind. If I'm not intended to be a biological mother, I will not be ... whether that's through never conceiving again, or continuing to conceive and miscarry. But what if....just maybe....we are intended to conceive and give birth to the person who is going to bring about world peace? Or who is going to save a life someday? Or is going to have even just one gift to share with this world? What if? Is it our place to alter that plan by using birth control?

The human and the woman in me kicks in and tells me that I could not go through yet another miscarriage. That I am too old to be a mother now. That my life is good just the way it is.

And then I go back to the what if scenario.