Free Trade and the Wal-Mart

I had a moment today. I was at the Wal-Mart (yes, we're just hick enough here that we call it The Wal-Mart) where we know that babies and pregnant women lurk in every aisle due to the low, low prices. And truly ... babies and pregnant women were lurking in every aisle. Now I was having a good day. Good hair day. New pink sweater from Old Navy on, and my new shoes. Matching lipstick. Even got the lip liner on without looking clownish. I was kicking it today. So I was not about to let any baby bombard get to me. I was resolved to smile and have a good karma day.

I swear the Infertility Gawds are having a field day with me of late. They said "waaaaaatch...let's kick it up a notch today".

And so they sent twins.

Not just one set. Nooooo.

TWO sets of newborn twins at the Wal-Mart.

I managed to get by the first set ... no harm, no foul. Even managed to smile at momma. She was beautiful. Sure as hell didn't look like someone who had just birthed twins, let me tell you. In that moment, she looked like a catalogue model, with the little leather jacket and heels on, pushing her double carriage. I don't think I weighed as little as she appeared to at birth. Whatever. I don't know her story and am sure not going to be the one to judge her. Besides, it was pure jealousy speaking inside me at that moment anyhow.

I go about my business, picking up the many and varied bargains that one inevitably purchases at the Wal-Mart, and there they were - the second set of twins. Waiting for me at the cash register. The cashier that is serving me is cooing and gooing at them. I actually did this primal scream thing inside thinking "just check my freaking halloween lights and glow in the dark skull through so I can get the eff out of here" but my perfectly painted lips maintained their perfectly bowed smile the whole time I waited for her to finish and turn back to me. I endured all the comments about the twins while she was ringing through my bag of fake bones. I paid, left the store, and proceeded to my vehicle, which happened to be parked right next to another perfect mother with her perfect child in carriage, who was being approached by a friend in that parking lot who was screeching "loooooook at yoouuuuu! Looooook at that baaaaabeeeee".

You know what? I'm tired.

I'm tired of not being able to be sincerely happy for others. I'm tired of being bothered by this. I'm tired of feeling shitty because I feel jealous and have nasty thoughts in my head about people. I am not, by nature, a nasty person. And yet I'm thinking these nasty thoughts in the lineup at the Wal-Mart. I have sunk to a new low.

Last week my mother called from northern Ontario, where she is visiting her sister. She called because my sister told her I had stayed home from work, and she wanted to know if I was alright. I told her I was just having a really heavy period. To which my mother replies:

"Don't worry honey. You'll be finished with all that real soon."

Talk about feeling deflated. Knowing that I'm this jealous, barren, bitchy old hag that buys bags of glow in the dark skulls at the Wal-Mart (which, by the way, do NOT glow in the dark) who will never ever have a child of her own.

And then to add insult to injury, I went on line tonight to order some soap from Bath_and_Bodyworks. I was busily filling my 'shopping bag' with these, getting almost orgasmic at the thought of the box arriving at my home in a few short weeks. I went to checkout, only to find that they do NOT ship "internationally". Apparently Canada is considered international. Why the hell did I support a free trade agreement again??? And why can't some Canadian shop come up with the same kind of awesome soap in that beautiful little bottle???

There. I think it's all out of my system. I'm boycotting the Wal-Mart and obviously I'm going to spend time stinking until the Bath and Bodyworks people understand that Canada does not count as international!!!