Actually I'm not in a good place at all. I feel like I'm headed toward a meltdown in a big way. Everything seems to be just sucking lately. I'm feeling such a lack of confidence and so rotten about myself that it's starting to seep into my marriage. Summers can be rough for us anyhow, since HB is a teacher and has the entire summer off and sadly, I don't have that same schedule. It's hard to get up to go to work every morning, especially to a work place that I'm totally resenting right now, while he's planning a schedule of beach and relaxation for his day.
I have always been a fairly insecure person. I've also always struggled with my weight. Consequently I've done the whole string of really bad relationships, like most people who are insecure and have low self esteem. When I finally grabbed control of myself and went on a major weight loss kick to lose 60 lbs, I felt great. Not only did I hit my goal, I maintained there for almost five years. It was during that time that I met HB, so he's actually known me as a smaller person. I couldn't believe how different he was from the other twits I had dated in the past, and even when I've done everything I can to sabotage this healthy relationship, he's assured me of how much he loves me and that he is not going anywhere.
Physical fitness is very important to HB. We couldn't be more different in that regard. I'd take the car to walk the dawgs if I thought I could get away with it. Growing up, he paddled, played baseball, biked and lifted weights. Mostly though he played hockey. He put himself through university playing hockey, and was actually drafted to a farm team at one time. You get the picture ~ he's a jock.
When I first met him, he wasn't doing much in that way. Knothead had slowly choked all of that out of him ~ he no longer worked out because it was easier to just stay home to shut her up. He did, however, turn to drugs and booze to shut her out when he couldn't shut her up. Consequently, when I met him, he was by then in recovery and doing the food love in with no exercise thing. When I got pregnant, we were both in heaven ~ license to eat! I packed on every one of those 60 lbs again and here I sit. He packed it on too, but he got off his arse and went back to working out.
The more fit and trim he becomes, the more insecure I become. And it's becoming a problem. I'm feeling like he doesn't want to be with me. I'm starting to play mind games, thinking that he might be flirting with having an affair. In fact, I became convinced that someone he works with has a crush on him and was almost out of my mind when I found out that she was going to the bar that his band was playing at this weekend. Didn't matter to me that he had invited all the teachers he works with at that school. When he wasn't home by 3 a.m., and wasn't answering his cell phone, I was convinced that he was at her place. There I sat, 1500 kms away from home, convincing myself that my husband, who loves me more than is almost possible, with whom I've entered into a sacramental marriage, whom I trust to the ends of the earth, was having an affair. I sat in the lounge of the university at which I was staying, obsessively dialing home and then his cell. Leaving a message and then calling home to see if he had picked up my message. Very very bad behaviour. Especially since I know he'd never have an affair or do anything to hurt me.
HB is one of those really nice guys that everyone loves to love. He's a flirt, but doesn't realize it. He loves me more than anything, and I know that. But right now I'm feeling so absolutely shitty about myself that I need him to show it to me and say it more often. I need him to be proud of me. I need him to support me, and love me, and put me first.
I came home last night from being away, and although we went down to the boat club together for a while, we really didn't talk. I feel disconnected from him. He came home and plugged a movie into the dvd player, so I came upstairs and checked my emails. We went to bed separately and when I woke up, he had moved to the couch ~ something that he does most nights but last night it really bothered me.
Today he called me at work to ask what time I was going to be home. I told him I was going to take in a weight watchers meeting, and then hit the grocery store, so it would be later than usual. He then asked me how much longer I planned to make a charitable donation to the gym and not use it, and how much money it was going to cost me to join Weight Watchers again.
The kids had come over for an overnight visit as they are leaving for the USA tomorrow with Knothead. When I walked in at about 7:30, he said "how was your day? Do you mind if I go to the gym tonight?"
I hate it when he does that! The kids come here to visit him, and he goes to the gym, leaving me here with them. I've worked all day. I'm tired. I have to go out of town again tomorrow. I'm feeling so horrendously fat and such a failure because I can't pop a baby out, or get promoted at work, or even find a permanent assignment. And to top it all off, I'm always the wicked witch when he leaves me with the kids and I'm tired like this, because I won't let them have the ten neighbourhood kids in that they always seem to be dragging into the house.
It's time for us to have a talk, but I really don't know what I'll say. I'm so close to meltdown that I know I'll be coherent for about three minutes before I either dissolve in tears or explode in anger ~ neither of which are my most effective communication tools. I just can't keep going like this. I'm resenting everything, and when I'm not resenting it, I'm thinking that he's ashamed of me and having an affair. Great way to have a healthy marriage.
8 comments:
I understand this, very well. I'm sick and tired how infertility has taken everything, as if losing out on being able to have a baby wasn't enough.
The only thing I can offer is to hang in there. I hope things lighten up for you, for all of us, soon.
xxoo,
Emily
Oh, Sandy - I am so, so sorry. I think I know at least a little about how you are feeling. I was walking out of the office today feeling like an insecure failure myself. Sometimes I feel like a shell of what I once was.
Having said all of this, here's my unsolicited advice for what it's worth:
1. Have a meltdown! You know how the sky is often so much cleaner after a good rain? Your mind will be cleaner after a good cry and help give you perspective.
2. After the meltdown, pick yourself up and talk to HB. This is going to be very difficult, no doubt, but you have to have the conversation about what you're feeling and what you need. (i.e. support on WW and not some back handed remark). Maybe make some notes ahead of time - put some thought into what it is exactly you need to feel like you again. Also, prepare yourself for HB's responses as they may not be exactly what you want to hear.
3. Make a plan and put it into action. Understand that you will not succeed every day - you will have set backs, you will start slowly, but success breeds success. The goal is to feel better about yourself little by little.
I hope I didn't come across too preachy. I just think you're a really neat girl and you deserve to feel better about yourself - pregnancy or no pregnancy.
sounds like a lot of stuff rattling around in there. I hope ou two can talk openly to each other and get things resolved.
Sue's right, you do need to get the talk thing going. I know how unhelpful I was being to my H about his weight - in our case it was the other way round and I got off my butt and lost the weight but he didn't. I did all sorts of unhelpful things, but eventually through lots of rows and making up afterwards, I'm getting somewhere more helpful.
Sorry things are so crappy. We're here for you
Sandy, I'm so sorry...I know the more I need to discuss something with DH, the longer it takes me. I generally start out by letting him know that we need to talk, and then ask him to schedule a time when he doesn't have anything else going on. It works for us. You know how each of you works, you can work out a plan to get through this. Thinking of you.
It's not all bad, Sandy. Thing is....despite the things that are going on, despite the tricks your mind is playing on you...well...you still have enough sense to want to talk to him. To have a conversation with him and tell him what is on your mind. That, in a sense, is admirable. You know how many people are afraid to talk with their husband, wife, or SO? You taking that step is awesome.
If you feel that way...then you need to address it with him so things don't get messed up.
You've always talked of him well, I can't imagine him not wanting to chat about things.
And I would have a hard time getting out of bed too, if my wife was a teacher and had the summers off.
We did talk last night ... he is still the most awesome man in the world. Thanks for hearing my vent guys and gals ... it helps so much to dump the crap here!
I'm so glad you guys talked! He must be awesome...I can sense the calmness in your tone (I think I even see you smiling!). If you get a chance, tell us how it went.
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