Ya Ya

I had a meltdown today. Why is it that meltdowns are so painfully cathartic?

This has been building up for a while now. In fact, I think that my "sick days" last week were actually internal warning signs of the meltdown. My way of dealing with things is generally to be strong; soldier on; and then completely withdraw and retreat into myself and my house.

Only this way of coping has had to change since I met and married this most wonderful man in the world. He has given me many gifts during our time together, but I think the most precious gift has been the constant reassurance that I am worthy of many good things....something that I have not always believed for myself. And he won't allow me to withdraw and retreat for very long.

On the surface, I am an extroverted, fun loving, confident, intelligent woman who has it all together. I have an excellent job ~ senior management position in a large government department. I have a wonderful husband and two great step sons. I am in a leadership position in several community groups. We have many friends that we see regularly and are invited out often. Life is good, and I am on top of things emotionally, financially and socially.

Yes, people know that I have had struggles in my life. One failed marriage. A brother who committed suicide. A late term miscarriage. Infertility. But ... I am strong! I am woman! I can cope!

Well, inside of that surface picture lives the real me. The girl who constantly struggles with her weight. Who believes that everyone who looks at her sees a fat chick with triple chins. The one who blieves she has moved to a senior management position more out of luck than skill, and who will one day be revealed as the fraud she feels she really is at work. And the friends? Some days I think I am only invited because it's really my husband they want, and I'm part of the package.

And then there's the whole producing of babies thing. The skinny ex-wife, she devil that she is, still managed to produce two lovely specimens. I, on the other hand, have failed to bring one forth and it's not looking promising.

So instead of staying in retreat and withdraw mode, I melted today. I lost it. Sat at the kitchen table just a-bawling and a-snottin. Cried about work and the changes I'm facing there. Bawled about my weight and my inability to commit to a food or exercise plan. Sobbed over my fear at facing our appointment at the fertility clinic on Thursday. Honked over the unfairness of us not being able to share a child together, and trying to come to make myself feel better by saying that it's enough to have two step sons to "share" with my husband.

I melted down. And my darling, awesome, incredible, loving husband sat there and let me wail. He passed me tissue. He held my hand. He told me how much he loved me. He talked to me about focusing on the journey instead of the destination. He even sang to me at one point.

And after I stopped crying, he did something that will score him points with me for the rest of his life.

He watched the entire movie "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" with me. And cried.

I love this man.