I'm Baaaaack

I went back to work on Monday. What a weird experience. I've been on assignment in another program area for over a year now, and it has not been a great experience. Interesting that this assignment is with an all women team, and yet only one actually came up to me and dealt with the miscarriage face on. The rest, including the team lead, didn't even say welcome back, I'm sorry, kiss my arse ... nothing.

My home team, which is primarily made up of men, sang a whole different tune. I was greeted warmly, welcomed back, asked how I was doing, and offered appropriate words of condolence.

Now - I have not been enjoying this assignment, and when it seemed (just for a nano second of insanity) that I might be leaving on a maternity leave at some point in the not too distant future, I went to my former team lead to ask how to go about securing my real job as the one that I would be returning to after the maternity leave. He suggested that we make a move to have me actually finish up the assignment now, so that I would be leaving from my home program area, and therefore returning to my home program area at the end of the maternity leave.

Well, we all know what happened to the need for said maternity leave. However, when I returned to work on Monday, my home program team lead came up to me and told me that I was still welcome to come back right away if I wanted.

If I wanted? I could have kissed that man! Not only had he dealt with all the senior administration about ending my current assignment, he found me an office (an OFFICE...no more cubicle dwelling!) and provided me with a carefully thought out description of the new assignment upon which I will be working. And it all starts on November 1st. November 1st! TWO more days in that other assignment!

I actually quite enjoyed the team and the team lead on this other assignment, and the work was very good work. There was just a huge communication issue about what the intended outcomes of the project I was working on were to be - and consequently I would file reports that no one would read, but everyone wanted results. I have to take responsibility for some of what happened, and have done so, but I'm really just wanting it to end. I am not feeling productive, challenged, stimulated or part of a team. I'm keen to go back to my program division, and to reunite with my home team.

I have also taken to treating myself to regular therapeutic massage. La-ti-da! We switched our health plan coverage from my work to HB's work plan, and part of his benefit package provides for 20 massages per 12 month period. That's one every three weeks, if you're counting, which I was indeed doing. But first, I had to use up the four remaining massages that were available under my plan! So I have been having a weekly massage since the miscarriage.

And as for Anna Banana? She is amazing. In no physical way could a person consider this 90 lb beauty a pup, but she is indeed a pup. She is almost scarey smart - trains so quickly. We adore her.



I had gained 4 lbs during the pregnancy. I went back to my weight loss program almost immediately after the miscarriage, and had only kept one of those pounds. That plus four more are now already gone. I'm on a roll - I feel healthy and in control.

So all in all, life is good here. One day at a time, and no more talk of babies. Not doing anything to actively prevent it - but I have a feeling that I don't have to worry about that anyhow. Now if I can just stay away from the Halloween chocolate bars this weekend, my life will be perfect.

Beating the odds

I live on a small cul de sac. There are precisely twelve duplexes (or semis as we call them) on this cul de sac. Three of the women who live in these twelve duplexes are newly pregnant. One of these women lives in the other side of our house. She had loaned me a book on pregnancy when we shared our news with her. Yesterday I propped that book, along with a gift card that I had "earned" from a local maternity clothing store the day I went on my optimistically stupid shopping trip, in between her two doors. I know the statistics for healthy pregnancies. Please let all three of these women beat the odds. Please. Is that too much to ask?

And now onto something completely different and totally awesome! Take a gander at the wee one that will be joining our happy crew here as of tomorrow at around lunch time:


Her name is Anna, and she is only five months old in this picture, which was taken in May 2006. She is in her 10th month now and from what I am told by my sister in law, who is bravely driving her from Newfoundland in her little car, is a real piece of work. Reminiscent of our Barkley boy.

I believe she will have to be christened Anna Chiquita Banana. Anna is far too formal.

What if?

I've been debating about whether to blog about my mind quandry or not - but then realized that to not blog about it is to deny myself the true avenue this blog is intended to be for me.

HB and I consider ourselves to be people of great faith. We believe in God, and believe that God will not give us any more than we can handle. Some people call it fate; others call it destiny. For us, what happens in our lives that is out of our control is what we call part of God's plan for us.

We have always chosen to believe that our recurrent miscarriages are part of God's plan for us. And not in a "you guys are awful and don't deserve to have children" kind of way. I have been actually been feeling some guilt because I think I'm not feeling sad enough about this loss. When I expressed that to HB the other day, he told me that he believes I'm more at peace with this baby's death because I have indeed been asking to know God's will for me, and more importantly, to be able to accept God's will for me. And I do believe that had this baby been born, it might have been more than we could have handled - and God's plan says we're only going to be given what He knows we can handle.

So that faith and trust helps us to deal with this current loss.

But therein also lies my quandry.

I'm soon going to be 44 years of age, and had pretty much come to grips with the fact that I was not going to be pregnant or a biological mother....and I was starting to be pretty ok with that reality. Then this unexpected pregnancy comes along - which tells me that my body is still capable of conceiving, and who knows, maybe even capable of actually carrying to term. So if HB and I continue in our usual ways (and I do love continuing in our usual ways....hehehe), there is a possibility of conceiving again unless one of us either deals with it surgically or we decide to practice some form of birth control.

I have no qualms at all with ignoring the man made laws of the Catholic Church when it comes to birth control, so I'm probably one of those hypocritical Catholics that people love to talk about. I am a Catholic because my parents are Catholic. There are many things about Catholicism that I disagree with, and many traditions and beliefs of the Catholic faith that I love and in which I take great comfort. I am first and foremost a Christian. I believe that if I get up every day and live my life the way that God calls me to live - and use Christ as my human example of what that call is - then I am living out my baptismal promise here on earth even if I never step forth in a formal church again. It's more important to me to be church in the real world - the world in which I live every day - and be straight in my relationship with the God of my understanding, then it is to be known as someone who was a good Catholic.

If I believe that God has a plan for me, and I believe that God won't send us more than we can handle, then I really don't see how I can mess with His plan by using birth control of any kind. If I'm not intended to be a biological mother, I will not be ... whether that's through never conceiving again, or continuing to conceive and miscarry. But what if....just maybe....we are intended to conceive and give birth to the person who is going to bring about world peace? Or who is going to save a life someday? Or is going to have even just one gift to share with this world? What if? Is it our place to alter that plan by using birth control?

The human and the woman in me kicks in and tells me that I could not go through yet another miscarriage. That I am too old to be a mother now. That my life is good just the way it is.

And then I go back to the what if scenario.

The bloody aftermath

Saturday sucked. I knew that things were starting when I got up, but because all of our previous miscarriages were either so early that it was more like a heavy period, or so late that a d&c was required, I had no idea what to expect with this one.

So we got up, got dressed and headed to the rink to watch Frodo play hockey. I got about 30 minutes into it and realized that I needed to get out of the rink. I waited in the truck while they finished up, and got home just in time.

I spent the day between the washroom, bathtub and bed. The pain was beyond my expectations. I got relief when I was hanging off the edge of the bed, throwing up into the garbage can and HB was rubbing my lower back. Of course, being the arse that I am, I had turned down pain medication at the ER the day before because I wasn't in pain. I've never been known for my foresight.

I actually don't remember a whole lot about Saturday. HB said he called the duty doctor at one point because I was feverish and he thought that the pain just seemed to be too severe. He has always marvelled at my high pain threshold, so for him to say he felt it was too severe, it must have been bad. I don't feel like too much of a wimp anyhow - so even if it wasn't that severe, I love him for saying it. We decided to wait it out here at home instead of taking the duty doctor's advice to go to emergency. I couldn't imagine going through that in an emergency room waiting area, and although it sucked, I'm glad we stayed at home.

HB got me some gravol, and six tabs later, I got to sleep.

And basically slept until Sunday.

Figuring it was over with, we got dressed - me somewhat shakily - and went to Mass. Then we got in the truck and drove an hour to my parents' place for Thanksgiving dinner. I hadn't eaten since Saturday morning, and didn't have a big bunch to eat that night, but did get some turkey and veggies into me. After supper, I was in the washroom, washing my hands, when all of a sudden I felt as if I was peeing myself. I got onto the toilet just barely in time. I can't remember ever having seen that much blood before - it terrified me. That has happened two more times since. No warning - just a woosh and there it is.

I've been put off work for the week, and am being referred over to the early pregnancy complications clinic to see if a d&c is required.

I'm glad to be off work. I don't feel like facing people at all right now. I think it's hitting HB hard today. We were talking last night - this whole roller coaster ride of whether we can have kids or not have kids is taking a toll. We had both just adjusted to the thought of a very cool life with just Frodo and Mini-Me, whom we get to send away to their mother, giving us a good dose of adult time and activities, when this baby came along. Swing back quickly to adjusting to another plan for life. And then just as quickly, that is stolen from you.

He's been such a rock. I want to be a rock for him now - and let him know that we are going to be ok. I hope I can help him to believe that's the truth.

So Much For That

Spots turned to clots this morning. I went to emergency at 11:30 a.m. Had an ultrasound at 2:30 that told us the baby had not grown and was not viable. They sent me home at 4:00 p.m. to pass it, with instructions to come back if it got too bad.

HB and the kids were all with me, and we'll hang out together this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend. I'm going to try really hard to find some things to be grateful for.

Back from Bowston

We had a great time in Boston. HB and I were attending a conference together, which is a rarity, and got to stay in an awesome hotel which was close to some great shops which although I'd never buy from, I had a whale of a time touching stuff in. I touched purses that went for $600, shoes that were $800, jackets that were $2500 ... you get the picture.

We walked and walked and walked. I had my first trip on a subway. In short, we had a great time. The only downside was a teensy bit of spotting on Wednesday after we finished all our walking around - HB figures we clocked about 15 miles yesterday.

So onto the doctor's appointment today. I was straight up with her about all my fears due to symptoms coming and going. She's so cool. Basically she said what all of you have said. Each pregnancy is different. Many people have no symptoms at all. She then went on to tell me that she was willing to send me for another ultrasound if I wanted, and that she would listen with the doppler today but only if I understood that there was a good chance we still might not hear a heartbeat today - and that not hearing a heartbeat today meant nothing at all since I'm just 11 weeks.

We did listen with the doppler. There was a lot of noise, and twice she thought she heard something but couldn't get enough behind my pelvic bone to get to it fully. HB also thought he heard something at both those times.

She told me that walking all the distance could tilt my cervix slightly, causing a little spotting. She then told me to go home, get off my feet and nap.

We've decided to go for the nuchal fold and maternal serum testing, along with the early ultrasound. We're going to wait until the 19th for the ultrasound, but she has told me that I can call her at any time if I want more. She said I'm in for a lot of ultrasounds anyhow during this pregnancy. I've gained 4 lbs so not bad - especially after a week of eating magnificent meals and desserts!

So basically, everything is fine. I'm tired after the trip and we're headed into a busy Thanksgiving weekend. I have a truckload of studying to get caught up on, and the kids are coming over tomorrow. The great part is that HB is all about me lying down whenever I want to, and I got enough lectures today from both Dr. H and HB to realize that saying I need to lay down does not equal being lazy right now.

I could get used to that.