So today I leave for the first part of the Fantabulous Road Tour 2005. I will be home for one day this weekend before getting back in the car on Sunday.
I will be missing many things over the next few weeks. The obvious ones are HB, the dawgs, Frodo and Mini-Me. I will have time on the weekends with them, but it just seems to me that our weekends are always so full.
I will be missing many things over the next few weeks. The obvious ones are HB, the dawgs, Frodo and Mini-Me. I will have time on the weekends with them, but it just seems to me that our weekends are always so full.
I'm also concerned about being out of the picture for almost four weeks. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (I know...don't even go there) and the show was about step and blended families. One of the stories struck so close to home. The 11 year old daughter was basically a surrogate wife (in the emotional sense) to the father. The new wife was complaining about no alone time with her husband when the daughter was around, and how the daughter and husband had a relationship that just took over the home.
That is often how I feel when Frodo is around.
HB still experiences bouts of tremendous guilt for having broken up this child's family. They have fallen into a pattern of interacting that sometimes disturbs me. This kid controls the adults around him ... except for me...which is why we don't get along all that well. I refuse to be controlled by a 10 year old, but then again, I'm less emotionally involved here so it's a bit easier for me to say that and stick with it.
HB, on the other hand, although an awesome dad, gets manipulated easily by this child. This child will be a master manipulator in his adult life, and I can only hope that he chooses to use the skill for good instead of evil.
What's hard about all of this is that it's quite subtle. I don't think he means to manipulate, nor does he consciously acknowledge the reality that he'd be happier if I wasn't around to interrupt his time with HB. But it's all there.
So me being gone for four weeks is going to give him a lot of alone time with HB ... which means that I will have to work all that much harder upon my return to reestablish my rightful place in HB's world for this child.
You know, I love HB with all my heart. I understand the whole thing about being willing to lay your life down for someone now due to this love I have for him. But if I could redraw my family scene, there are days when I wouldn't have step kids. I know that sounds awful and harsh, but it has its moments of truth to it. Some days it's just such a long walk. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other - knowing that it's all part of parenting. This walk will result in two well adjusted young men in a few years.
Don't think for a minute that I don't love these kids....I do. I just wish they weren't step kids. Sharing the upbringing with their mother, and not having a well established place in their lives. That's what I'd change.
That is often how I feel when Frodo is around.
HB still experiences bouts of tremendous guilt for having broken up this child's family. They have fallen into a pattern of interacting that sometimes disturbs me. This kid controls the adults around him ... except for me...which is why we don't get along all that well. I refuse to be controlled by a 10 year old, but then again, I'm less emotionally involved here so it's a bit easier for me to say that and stick with it.
HB, on the other hand, although an awesome dad, gets manipulated easily by this child. This child will be a master manipulator in his adult life, and I can only hope that he chooses to use the skill for good instead of evil.
What's hard about all of this is that it's quite subtle. I don't think he means to manipulate, nor does he consciously acknowledge the reality that he'd be happier if I wasn't around to interrupt his time with HB. But it's all there.
So me being gone for four weeks is going to give him a lot of alone time with HB ... which means that I will have to work all that much harder upon my return to reestablish my rightful place in HB's world for this child.
You know, I love HB with all my heart. I understand the whole thing about being willing to lay your life down for someone now due to this love I have for him. But if I could redraw my family scene, there are days when I wouldn't have step kids. I know that sounds awful and harsh, but it has its moments of truth to it. Some days it's just such a long walk. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other - knowing that it's all part of parenting. This walk will result in two well adjusted young men in a few years.
Don't think for a minute that I don't love these kids....I do. I just wish they weren't step kids. Sharing the upbringing with their mother, and not having a well established place in their lives. That's what I'd change.
What I'm learning is that you don't become a parent just because you've married a man who has children. It is taking years for us to establish this relationship. I am waiting for the day that I hear the words "I love you" from one or both of them. Or that they give me a spontaneous hug that isn't just for show.
In the meantime, I'll take my special moments with Mini-Me and hold onto them. It's moments like those that keep me pushing forth on this journey. The other thing I hold onto is the knowledge that these boys have the most awesome father in the world, and they have a pretty good chance of turning out just like him.
So I'll pack their pictures in my bag with me today, and just offer up a prayer that our little family won't suffer too much by a month apart.
3 comments:
Take care of yourself on the road. Living out of a suitcase is tiring. I suppose you won't have a lot of time to blog.
The dynamics involved with Step-families are mind blowing. I have only ever watched from the sidelines and I see it's quite an adventure. Certainly not all of us are cut out for the ride. I admire you so much for your honesty, your amazing ability to give and guide. The rewards coming to you in the future years will be boundless, I'm sure. I also think your DH is a very wise man, choosing you not just as a partner for him, but as a nurturer for his children. He must have always known your heart was big enough for him & his kids. Well Done. Now hit the road baby! I'm betting LOTS of people are going to miss you plenty.
I wish I could say it get's easier to be a step-mother, there always seem to be a problem or two. But I know exactly how you feel about wishing they weren't steps, wishing there wasn't the change from one family to the other and about a husband who feels guilty and allows the children to rule. My heart goes out to you. I hope the road rises up to meet you as you continue on this journey one step after the other.
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