Backslide and push forward

We're on the road. We had the appointment this morning. The doctor was amazing. She herself is an older woman ... very straight forward, no bullshit kind of woman. I love her.

We'll be starting clomid this next cycle. Hubby is most concerned about his ability to abstain for (to quote him) "three whole days!!!" before his test. We'll have to time that one. Gawd I'm considerate!

What was a shock though, was that the doctor mentioned that the file indicated they had a theory about what the cause of our miscarriage might have been. This is the first we've heard of it. We lost Brodie at about 21 weeks in 2002. We agreed to a post amnio the day we found out, and then we also authorized pathology after the d & c. When we went for our follow up appointments, we were told several times that there had been nothing conclusive found through any of the tests.

Today we were told that the theory was the placenta had failed to thrive. This theory is based on the fact that at almost 21 weeks, Brodie was only measuring about 17 weeks ~ which is why we were given the "choice" of either induction or a d&c. I never want to have that "choice" given to me again.

The doctor today explained how vital those first six weeks are in terms of the placenta and it's future.

I can't let that go. I've been going over in my head all of the things I didn't do in those first six weeks, and all the wrong things that I did do in those first six weeks. It was so unexpected and unplanned that I didn't even clue in that I might be pregnant until I was 8 weeks. I was still smoking, and even though I'm not a big drinker, I had beer several times during that time period.

I've spent two years working on the "it wasn't my fault" theory. I backtracked big time today on that theory and need to sit with this for a while.

Hubby had to take the day off since they can't bring a substitute teacher in just for a few hours. So I came home to a very nice, folic acid laden, portion controlled supper cooked and awaiting my arrival. He asked me to be sure to remember that I told him how awesome he is during the mood swings the doctor warned him to expect.

The thing that made me laugh the most today was the irony about the name thing I was stressing about earlier. What's important to know here is that the clinic is located in the women's/children's hospital and also that the last name I took by mistake years ago is the same name as the street my husband grew up on. So the only time that names got brought up today were (1) when they asked him if he used to live on that street when registering him and (2) when they told him that he had to deliver his sperm sample to a building that shares the same last name as his ex-wife!!! Justice prevailed today!

So here we go.