The childless mother wonder-spin

So last night it hit me ... again .... I might not ever actually carry a pregnancy to the point that we end up with a (gasp) baby at the end!

I go back and forth about how I feel about this. I had long ago come to terms with the fact that I might never be a mother. Then I met hubby. And then I found out that I was pregnant! My whole outlook changed. Suddenly career seemed less important, or rather was put into the appropriate perspective. Our house, which previously had been too small for all of us, suddenly sprouted all kinds of possibilities that were absolutely achievable. Habits that I never thought I could change were changed without any pain at all (read drinking, smoking and staying out late here). In fact most of those habits have not been resumed.

And then all hope was taken away again by one ultrasound in October 2002 that revealed a previously happy, waving, moving, wiggling baby to be silent and curled into a fetal position at the bottom of the screen.

Every month after that was torture. Would we conceive again? Yes...there was one positive home pregnancy test that was followed just a week or so later by the start of the dreaded period. Every month we'd hold our breath, hoping that the dreaded visitor would not appear. And every month that it did, I cried and apologized to my husband....feeling like a failure.

Then there was the "let's just not talk about it" stage. We'll just go about our business (nod, nod, wink, wink) and maybe it will just happen.

Then we hit the "should we try some other means to assist us" stage. We moved through that relatively quickly and decided to stay with the let's just keep going about our business stage.

But lately, as my 42nd birthday looms and I realize that even if I were to conceive now, I'd be well into my 42nd year before giving birth, I'm starting to wonder if "it" will ever happen.

And to wonder whether I can once again get my head around the fact that I may never be a mother.