Baby Shower Muzac

I have a group of women friends. We are all over the life continnum....one is married with kids; two single with kids; three single no kids; and two of us are married with no kids. The other married no kids couple are by choice ... in fact, she's had a hysterectomy. I am part of the other married no kids pair.

Because of our different spots on the continuum, we really pay attention to ensuring "the girls" have time together. One of the ways we do that is by using our regular brunch gatherings to plan our annual trip together. This tradition started about 15 years ago when we descended on a small fishing town in another part of our home province, took over four motel rooms and spent disgusting amounts of time and money in the two local bars...entertaining the locals. Eventually we matured our way out of those habits, and began taking more elaborate trips ... resorts in Cuba, other provinces in Canada, and this year, a late summer excursion to NY City for theatre, dining and shopping experiences.

So in June, we sat together at brunch planning the NYC trip....each of us doing the out loud wondering of whether she would be able to commit to the trip being planned for end August. One of the single no kids (and no apparent significant other) announces that she must decline participation, as she will likely be either in hospital giving birth or at home nursing said offspring.

Way to silence a table.

There she sat...almost 7 months pregnant....letting us in on this little development for the first time. None of us had really noticed any difference in her body shape. She has always favoured baggier clothing.

She continues to break the deafening silence by sharing that she hasn't yet let the father in on the news; she wasn't sure if she wanted "it"; she's kind of accepted "it" now and is sort of getting excited about "it"; yada yada yada.

I sat there ... perma smile on my face. Trying to be congratulatory toward this woman who has succeeded in a completely unintentional way to accomplish what I want so desperately, and is sharing that she's not sure if she wanted "it" and is "kind of" excited about "it".

Spring forward to today. She has since given birth to "it", who turned out to be a gorgeous baby boy. I haven't yet met him, nor have I seen her since his birth, which is not unusual for our group of friends.

But that will change should I choose to accept my next mission.

Attend her baby shower tomorrow.

I have been to exactly one baby shower since we lost our baby boy in 2002. And that was one of those at work ones, where I was able to sneak in as part of a large crowd, stand by the door for a minute or two...be seen and then sneak out quietly. Worked great for me.

But this one tomorrow is at someone's house, and will be complete with food, games, gifts and of course the baby.

I had accepted the evite, and even agreed to bring veggies and dip.

Today I'm waffling. With all the emotional roller coaster riding I've been doing this last week, I don't know if I want to purposely put myself into a situation where I might react negatively. Not to mention the need to hit a baby store today and pick out a gift.

I know that every woman who has lived through the loss of a baby (or babies) can relate perfectly to the mix of emotions I'm grappling with today. The desire to be there with my friend, share the happiness and miracle of new life, not punish this little boy because of my emotional instability in this area.... fighting against the need to be kind to myself, listen to my heart .... wrestling against the societal muzac of "get over it...move on".

I'll let you know what wins out.