The Sky Fell

Big Dawg, whose real name is Barkley, left us this evening.

He didn't get any better on Thursday, and this morning when I woke up I knew we would be making the appointment either today or tomorrow. As the morning wore on, I knew that I had crossed the line from making him comfortable for him to being selfish in keeping him here. HB called at 11:11 (angel time in my life) from school, and I told him that I was going to make the appointment for this evening. I called our clinic and was given an appointment for 6:40 p.m. - the last appointment of the day.

I spent all of the last hours that we had alone in the house here just sitting on the basement floor with him. He wouldn't eat or drink, so we just hung out and talked. I swear he nodded at me a few times. In fact, once I said "did you just nod?" and he nodded! He always was a smart guy ... understood every word we were saying and could put us on ignore when it was convenient.

Frodo and Mini-Me ended up coming to us unexpectedly tonight, which turned into a mixed blessing. Mini-Me joined Barkley and I on the floor, and my heart broke as he cuddled his buddy and sobbed. Then he started to tell me about a book that he had read at school that spoke of a bridge that dogs cross, and when they cross they are given a drink from a fountain called the fountain of memory. This drink lets them remember all the good things about the people who love them. (This 8 year old never ever fails to amaze me) Through his sobs he said "I want Barkley to remember that I love him, and that I fed him cookies, and that I didn't want him to go yet".

When it got close to the time, we got Barkley up. He walked on his own, with just a little help, to the truck. He has never just lay in the truck for any trip, but tonight he just lay down. There is no doubt in my mind that he was ready to cross tonight.

We walked into the clinic and his favourite vet assistant was working. She took us all into the room where she had made the most awesome, comfy bed for him on the floor. He immediately lay down right on the bed. She cuddled him for a bit before leaving. They let us have some time with him in there, and then the vet came in.

We had decided that HB would go with the kids to the waiting area while I stayed with Barkley. I thought I was really going to mind it, but in the end, it was a blessing for me to be alone with him. As HB said, it was a fitting end. I brought him home from the SPCA alone (we weren't married when Barkley and I found each other) and I brought him home to the bridge alone.

Barkley placed his head in my lap and locked eyes with me. I stroked his head, and told him it was ok, and how very much I loved him. The vet and the tech were both telling him what a good guy he was ... and how strong and brave he was ... and what a good friend he was. His paw sagged as the light faded from his eyes. He gave a very large, relieved sigh .... and a few seconds later, gave a second softer, peace filled sigh. And it was done. Two months to the day since he was diagnosed.

We covered him with a blanket. They left me with him and I was able to say goodbye on my own. I put his head gently down on the pillows. He looked like he always did when he lay in his wonky leg position on the floor at home.

And then I gathered my little family up and came home to our Sheba girl. She got some extra lovings tonight as a thank you for her patience and kindness toward her buddy the last few weeks.

Thank you all for your care and concern over these past two months. I also found an amazing amazing message board that has been an incredible source of support to me. If any of you love big dawgs, then check out http://bigpawsonly.com/ . What an amazing group of people.

Go give your dawgs a big hug from me tonight.