Low Points and High Fives

I haven't been writing much ... although I've had lots going on this past week or so. I've been on the road a lot for work, and then was off attending a conference over the weekend. It seems like HB and I have been passing in the front foyer, and occasionally make time for a grope and such in the bedroom.

When I got home Sunday night, I didn't even make it into the house before he started to dump! He got me in the driveway and he talked and talked and talked. He had been alone with the kidlings all weekend and it did not go so well. I guess we've become accustomed to being a two adult family. There was a part of me that did heart flips when I realized that I do, indeed, have a solid place in this family, and that when I'm not here, there's an impact. So tonight, I sat with Mini-Me and helped with his homework while HB did the domestic dinner and lunch making thing. It was awesome. I didn't get a hug or anything, but I did get a few belly laughs, two high fives and one "that was cool Sandy". I'll take it.

I've had a few tear bursts around babies of late. I really thought I was so over that stuff! I saw the perfect little family at the grocery store yesterday. Mom, Dad and two kids under 2, wheeling around playing peek a boo. I did the pinched smile cuz I'm gonna cry thing, and avoided them for the rest of the shopping trip.

The day before that I couldn't help but overhear my coworker congratulating someone on their pregnancy over the phone. They discussed it for a long time. I left to catch the bus, and sat in front of someone who talked about her sister-in-law's miscarriage at five months for most of the trip home.

I realized tonight that I'm six days away from the anniversary of Brodie's death. Three years ago. And here I sit ... no closer, just older and a little bit slimmer.

In case anyone's following, I decided not to fill the clomid again this month. I know it's there if I decide differently. I just can't keep filling myself up with false hope every month, and every month I take the clomid, I just can't imagine why it won't help me. In a sick kind of way, I'm almost grateful that I'm not a candidate for any other treatment that we would have considered. I have a whole new sense of amazement at the strength of the women who pursue other treatments. Truly. Courageous, strong women ... all of whom would make the best damn mothers in the world.

So perhaps I won't get to experience a full term pregnancy. Perhaps I won't even get to experience pregnancy again at all. Maybe it's time to begin understanding and celebrating the mother role that I do have - and savour those high-fives.