This weekend has proven to me that I should not have children. I’m relatively serious about this. It’s been a shitty weekend, filled with frustration, fighting and resentment. Frodo and Mini-Me have been with us since mid-week, and I’m tired of all the crap that comes along with an extended stay with us.
I know that it would be different if they were “my” children. What I mean by “my” children is that our situation is different. They have a mother and a father. So I don’t have that defined role of mother in this situation.
Which is precisely what I’m feeling frustrated about this weekend. Mini-Me is cool. He’s the coolest 8 year old I know actually. This kid gets reason, logic, humour, sarcasm and is a deep little soul with an awesome sense of humour. My kind of people.
Frodo, on the other hand? I’m convinced he is the devil’s spawn. Ok. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic. However he is entirely spoiled, and it’s not good.
What Frodo wants, Frodo gets. Not just from his mother either. His dad gives in on the drop of a dime. His friends do too, as do his grandparents. So guess who is the only bitch in Frodo’s life? You got it. Moi.
It’s a really awkward situation to be in because it means that in order to stand up for what I believe (not spoiling a child and definitely not allowing a ten year to run the house), I have to express my feelings to HB. What makes it awkward is that it basically puts HB in the middle of a situation between his child and his wife.
This child has broken many things around this house and never apologized to me once. In the past few months it’s been two doors, several glasses, a lamp, a garbage can, a drawer in his mate’s bed and yesterday, a butter dish. Of course, it’s never his fault….always an accident.
How is Frodo dealt with when these things happen? Sometimes HB will talk to him about it, and require him to come apologize to me. Sometimes he lets it go. HB has a much higher tolerance level for these things than I do – that much I realize. But mostly there are no consequences for any of his actions, because “he’s just a kid”. Yesterday he had this place torn apart. Last night, he was allowed to stay up until 11 p.m., had pizza as a treat, and a friend sleep over. In fact there were TWO friends here until one had to leave at 10:30 p.m. to go home. These are 10 year old kids! What the hell are they doing out at 10:30 at night???
I know that it would be different if they were “my” children. What I mean by “my” children is that our situation is different. They have a mother and a father. So I don’t have that defined role of mother in this situation.
Which is precisely what I’m feeling frustrated about this weekend. Mini-Me is cool. He’s the coolest 8 year old I know actually. This kid gets reason, logic, humour, sarcasm and is a deep little soul with an awesome sense of humour. My kind of people.
Frodo, on the other hand? I’m convinced he is the devil’s spawn. Ok. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic. However he is entirely spoiled, and it’s not good.
What Frodo wants, Frodo gets. Not just from his mother either. His dad gives in on the drop of a dime. His friends do too, as do his grandparents. So guess who is the only bitch in Frodo’s life? You got it. Moi.
It’s a really awkward situation to be in because it means that in order to stand up for what I believe (not spoiling a child and definitely not allowing a ten year to run the house), I have to express my feelings to HB. What makes it awkward is that it basically puts HB in the middle of a situation between his child and his wife.
This child has broken many things around this house and never apologized to me once. In the past few months it’s been two doors, several glasses, a lamp, a garbage can, a drawer in his mate’s bed and yesterday, a butter dish. Of course, it’s never his fault….always an accident.
How is Frodo dealt with when these things happen? Sometimes HB will talk to him about it, and require him to come apologize to me. Sometimes he lets it go. HB has a much higher tolerance level for these things than I do – that much I realize. But mostly there are no consequences for any of his actions, because “he’s just a kid”. Yesterday he had this place torn apart. Last night, he was allowed to stay up until 11 p.m., had pizza as a treat, and a friend sleep over. In fact there were TWO friends here until one had to leave at 10:30 p.m. to go home. These are 10 year old kids! What the hell are they doing out at 10:30 at night???
This “kid” refuses to go to sleep at night unless his father lays down with him. I’ve complained about this to HB as it meant that in order for HB to get a restful sleep, they slept in our bed, which meant that I was moved to the spare room. So HB’s answer was to indicate to Frodo that it wasn’t ok to move me out of my bed (see? All my fault…) and now he lays down with him in Frodo’s bed – a single mate’s bed. Not at all appropriate in my mind because once again Frodo has what he wants – he’s come between HB and I. In the eyes of this child, I don’t matter and actually if he could, he’d be rid of me.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about Frodo’s behaviour. He has hit that annoying stage where he throws a tantrum, or tells a lie….gets his dad to believe him and then looks evilly over his dad’s shoulder, almost sticking his tongue out at me while his dad is hugging him to make it all better. I feel sometimes like a third child, trying to get his dad to believe what’s going on.
HB has told me that he feels incredible guilt over leaving his children when that marriage broke up. He doesn’t see it, but he’s compensating by giving in to Frodo. I’m convinced it’s going to cause this child deeper problems in the long run. Cold as it may sound, lots and lots of kids have survived divorce and remarriage. Suck it up, move on. He’ll get over it if we treat him with appropriateness and love.
I have two basic issues with it all. First, I worry about what we’re doing to his future by teaching him that being sullen, persistent, whiney and throwing the occasional crying tantrum will get him everything that he wants in this world. Secondly, I feel resentful and tired about not having my rightful place as their father’s wife recognized by HB or the children. Most days I feel as if I’m in the way here – taking up space on the (my) couch when they want to sit there; watching shows on the (my) television when they want to watch; being the cook, maid and housekeeper, but not having a say about whether three additional children can stay overnight or eat with us. It’s not a good place to be, and I’m feeling totally resentful about it all this morning!
If he doesn’t stop giving in, then I have to go open an account now to start saving for the psychotherapy this child is going to need in the future. He’ll have a rough go of it when he realizes the world at large doesn’t respond well when you throw a fit to get what you want, or that your friends look at you funny when you’re 14 and still wanting your dad to come sleep with you at night.
The other part of the problem is that I am back to work this week. HB is a teacher, so he’s off all summer. However HB is also very into his sports, so his summer is spent at the lake paddling or working out in the club’s weight room. If he’s not there, he’s either jogging or going to tae kwan do. And if he’s not there, he’s resting or eating. Get the picture? Not a lot of cooking or cleaning, or, dare I say, doing chores around the house, can fit into that schedule. Add the kids into it and you can imagine what happens! I’ve come home every day this week to a messy house; nothing even taken out of the freezer for supper, let alone begun to be cooked; clothing and towels from the day at the lake hung all over the back patio railing drying out (the railing is right below the clothes line!). When I arrive home it’s time to get supper on the go and those clothes dried because there’s something on the go at 6:30 every night (paddling, tae kwan do, band practice). By the time I get to sit down, I’m tired, cranky and just a tad resentful. Then we introduce a spoiled 10 year to that mix, and HB wonders why I seem “off”. Last night I tried to talk to him and he
shut
me
down.
We were not amused. I haven’t slept a whole lot since then, and woke up this morning feeling even more resentful than I did last night. I have four hours until the kids go home and God help me, I’m obviously counting them. I’ve been up for 2 hours now, and HB has not yet said good morning to me.
It’s going to be a long day. And yeah, I’m convinced more than ever that introducing another child into this zoo would not be a good idea.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about Frodo’s behaviour. He has hit that annoying stage where he throws a tantrum, or tells a lie….gets his dad to believe him and then looks evilly over his dad’s shoulder, almost sticking his tongue out at me while his dad is hugging him to make it all better. I feel sometimes like a third child, trying to get his dad to believe what’s going on.
HB has told me that he feels incredible guilt over leaving his children when that marriage broke up. He doesn’t see it, but he’s compensating by giving in to Frodo. I’m convinced it’s going to cause this child deeper problems in the long run. Cold as it may sound, lots and lots of kids have survived divorce and remarriage. Suck it up, move on. He’ll get over it if we treat him with appropriateness and love.
I have two basic issues with it all. First, I worry about what we’re doing to his future by teaching him that being sullen, persistent, whiney and throwing the occasional crying tantrum will get him everything that he wants in this world. Secondly, I feel resentful and tired about not having my rightful place as their father’s wife recognized by HB or the children. Most days I feel as if I’m in the way here – taking up space on the (my) couch when they want to sit there; watching shows on the (my) television when they want to watch; being the cook, maid and housekeeper, but not having a say about whether three additional children can stay overnight or eat with us. It’s not a good place to be, and I’m feeling totally resentful about it all this morning!
If he doesn’t stop giving in, then I have to go open an account now to start saving for the psychotherapy this child is going to need in the future. He’ll have a rough go of it when he realizes the world at large doesn’t respond well when you throw a fit to get what you want, or that your friends look at you funny when you’re 14 and still wanting your dad to come sleep with you at night.
The other part of the problem is that I am back to work this week. HB is a teacher, so he’s off all summer. However HB is also very into his sports, so his summer is spent at the lake paddling or working out in the club’s weight room. If he’s not there, he’s either jogging or going to tae kwan do. And if he’s not there, he’s resting or eating. Get the picture? Not a lot of cooking or cleaning, or, dare I say, doing chores around the house, can fit into that schedule. Add the kids into it and you can imagine what happens! I’ve come home every day this week to a messy house; nothing even taken out of the freezer for supper, let alone begun to be cooked; clothing and towels from the day at the lake hung all over the back patio railing drying out (the railing is right below the clothes line!). When I arrive home it’s time to get supper on the go and those clothes dried because there’s something on the go at 6:30 every night (paddling, tae kwan do, band practice). By the time I get to sit down, I’m tired, cranky and just a tad resentful. Then we introduce a spoiled 10 year to that mix, and HB wonders why I seem “off”. Last night I tried to talk to him and he
shut
me
down.
We were not amused. I haven’t slept a whole lot since then, and woke up this morning feeling even more resentful than I did last night. I have four hours until the kids go home and God help me, I’m obviously counting them. I’ve been up for 2 hours now, and HB has not yet said good morning to me.
It’s going to be a long day. And yeah, I’m convinced more than ever that introducing another child into this zoo would not be a good idea.
1 comment:
he needs to read this because you are right on about so many things including not being their maid and being marginalized because of all the housework they create for you. I could go on and on and on...
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