My Life As a Soap Star

I have to speak tomorrow night, and I'm struggling to figure out what to say. This is a community of people who, for the most part, know and love me. But really...I've had the most interesting month, and am trying to figure out:

1. how to cram it all into 10 minutes
2. how to tell it all and have people actually believe that this is my life
3. how to relate it to the point of the talk for the group.

To top it all off, my rock isn't even going to be there with me when I speak! He left this morning for a week in Montreal at the national_canoe_championships . A week! We went back and forth over whether we could afford for him to go, but in the end, decided to suck it up and find a way for him to go. I just wish that I could be there to see him race ~ he is such an amazing athlete.

But now back to me. I have to figure out what I'm going to say tomorrow night! This talk is supposed to focus on the last month of my life, what's happened, and how I've been dealing with it as a person of faith. Let's see...what has happened in the last month....

• Knothead pitched a screaming fit over the phone, in front of the kids, on the youngest's 8th birthday, calling my husband a crack addict and his mother a whore;
• the people across the street came over and accused me of stealing from my next door neighbour's garden (I had been given permission to take a few slips from the garden but made the unfortunate decision to not take them while they were still present to verify their permission);
• my next door neighbours got their fifth dog (that's five all at once...not fifth of a succession of dogs), and my dawgs promptly got kennel cough, resulting in two vet visits and meds at a total cost of $300;
• the kids have been taking turns attempting to drive their father and I crazy;
• my direct supervisor at work has continued to beat me down, with her latest show being to tell me that I have wasted six months of her time, but congratulating me on the good work I've done with revamping and leading the Employee Recognition Program (oh the irony);
• I've been turned down for interviews for three jobs I was really interested in; and
• yet another failed cycle in July but no result yet for August.

How do I cram all that into 10 minutes and have people believe it really happened???

Deep Thoughts...though not by Jack Handy

I'm feeling quite introspective today. No sign of any natural ovulation in this, the third month clomid-free. I play with the electronic chart, adding temps in for the next few days to see what I would have to will my body to do to have it show ovulation. How sick is that?

This morning a coworker whom I adore came over for a chat. I'm in yet another new space in the building, although this one I quite like - have a quiet corner with a window and pretty much by myself most of the time. So she pops in once in a while for a chat and to help me fight the lonelies. HB actually teaches her grandchildren....and I recently sent her daughter home a book that had helped me through a step-parenting situation.

She begins talking about her daughter, and her twin grandsons. Then shares the journey of getting to the birth of these two little guys, which happened at 31 weeks. One was never expected to make it at all, and required bowel surgery three months after his birth, but is a happy, thriving 16 month old today. These babes were born after three miscarriages, and at age 38.

I want this story to give me hope. Especially when I read what Bugs and Jen are experiencing right now. There are so many changes in the blogging community of late, many because of positive outcomes. Seeing Grrl's last entry has really moved me.

But not much is giving me hope about actually achieving my goal of giving birth to my own child. Not today. And I'm almost starting to be ok with that, in an odd sort of way. Perhaps beginning the downward trek to my 43rd birthday is helping that along...I don't know.

Laying Around

Not much going on of late. We've had a childless weekend, although we are picking them up tomorrow to take them to a corn boil with us. That should be fun, even though the weather is calling for showers.

I have resolved to try to see the positive in things instead of floating to the negative all the time. I tend to be so quick to see all the negative shit, and not so quick to acknowledge the good intentions of people, or the positive of a perceived bad situation. I find that I've really been mucking around in mud puddles and feeling sorry for myself lately. I plan to stop that!

It was kind of funny today. We live in a fairly small community that is a suburb of a larger city. There are few services out where we are, but there is a drugstore. We've become fairly friendly with one of the pharmacists there. She knows about our miscarriages, and knows we're trying to conceive. She was the one that I had to call when I was out of the province and realized I hadn't filled my clomid prescription. So today we stopped in to pick up a few things, and she begins relaying this story to us about friends of hers who have just had their sixth child. And not just that, but they're at least 40! She was midway through the last sentence when she realized what she was doing. She stopped herself and I roared when she said, "I can't believe I was just going to tell you that maybe if you relaxed it would happen for you too".

So much for science!

I was teetering on the brink of giving up on trying again. I haven't filled the clomid 'scrip for three months now. And then I went to Grrrl's site and read Gelfite's birth story. And feel at peace with knowing that I need to try just a bit longer.

I'm off for a cuddle and since this is relatively anonymous here, I'll admit that I'm also going to watch Big Brother! Oh the drama in the house! The drama!!!

Blending a family

I'm beginning to use my blog more like the journal that it is, and it's really so much more helpful to me. That was one huge rant in yesterday's post, but getting it out here probably helped my marriage, as well as my relationship with the kids. Yes, it was a rough weekend but when HB returned from band practice last night, we sat down over dinner and had another one of our heart to hearts.

My mother always used to say that if there was a book written on how to parent, she'd have been first in line to buy it. Today there are tons of 'how to' books out there, and I have read many of them. I am an active participant on step-parent boards. I talk to other blended families in real life. But at the end of the day, there's still no manual. Developing a blended family and establishing my role with Frodo and Mini-Me will be a lifelong process. I'm just such an instant fix queen that I want it done now!

I think the other reality is that I have some real issues mixed into this blending process because of infertility. I tend to have these moments of true resentment and anger over the fact that she was able to give birth and I can't. I don't think she's a purposefully malicious person but she is shallow and self centred enough that she doesn't think through the consequences of her actions. Last night was a case in point. When HB took the kids over to drop them off, she handed him a stack of pictures. She said that Frodo had been cleaning albums out and removed all the pictures of HB so that he could have them at our house. What an amazing 10 year old eh? Cleaning out photo albums. Remember, this is the same 10 year old who still doesn't know how to smooth the duvet out on his bed, or close a drawer without breaking it, but apparently at her house, he cleans out photo albums.

But I digress. Back to the pictures.

What really happened (we think) is that she was cleaning out the albums, getting ready to chuck out all the pictures of HB, when Frodo came in and saw. Of course then she couldn't be the one to chuck them out, but she could send them to our house where we would have to make the decision about what to do with the pictures.

Naturally, being the masochist that I am, I sat and looked through them last night. I really didn't think they would bother me. And for the most part, they didn't. I got a kick out of seeing pictures of HB with the kids in the very early days. I did the bitchy catty thing and commented on how much weight Knothead has gained. I laughed at the bare bum pictures of the boys. We both noted how the smile on HB's face never quite reached his eyes in any of these pictures, and what a difference true happiness can make to a smile.

And then I came across the picture of her, in the hospital bed, holding Frodo and looking exhausted from giving birth, with HB crouching at the head of the bed, looking at the camera.

I felt like the wind had been knocked totally out of me. Seeing such evidence of her success, and knowing that the likelihood of me ever achieving that is so low.

HB just hugged me while I cried. And again we talked about how we need to keep our shit together in order to parent these two awesome creatures, because we are the sane ones in this crazy blended family. Frodo is destined to have some real issues if all the adults in this gang don't pull together.

Perhaps this is where I'm called to parent.

Who's Who At The Zoo?

This weekend has proven to me that I should not have children. I’m relatively serious about this. It’s been a shitty weekend, filled with frustration, fighting and resentment. Frodo and Mini-Me have been with us since mid-week, and I’m tired of all the crap that comes along with an extended stay with us.

I know that it would be different if they were “my” children. What I mean by “my” children is that our situation is different. They have a mother and a father. So I don’t have that defined role of mother in this situation.

Which is precisely what I’m feeling frustrated about this weekend. Mini-Me is cool. He’s the coolest 8 year old I know actually. This kid gets reason, logic, humour, sarcasm and is a deep little soul with an awesome sense of humour. My kind of people.

Frodo, on the other hand? I’m convinced he is the devil’s spawn. Ok. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic. However he is entirely spoiled, and it’s not good.

What Frodo wants, Frodo gets. Not just from his mother either. His dad gives in on the drop of a dime. His friends do too, as do his grandparents. So guess who is the only bitch in Frodo’s life? You got it. Moi.

It’s a really awkward situation to be in because it means that in order to stand up for what I believe (not spoiling a child and definitely not allowing a ten year to run the house), I have to express my feelings to HB. What makes it awkward is that it basically puts HB in the middle of a situation between his child and his wife.

This child has broken many things around this house and never apologized to me once. In the past few months it’s been two doors, several glasses, a lamp, a garbage can, a drawer in his mate’s bed and yesterday, a butter dish. Of course, it’s never his fault….always an accident.

How is Frodo dealt with when these things happen? Sometimes HB will talk to him about it, and require him to come apologize to me. Sometimes he lets it go. HB has a much higher tolerance level for these things than I do – that much I realize. But mostly there are no consequences for any of his actions, because “he’s just a kid”. Yesterday he had this place torn apart. Last night, he was allowed to stay up until 11 p.m., had pizza as a treat, and a friend sleep over. In fact there were TWO friends here until one had to leave at 10:30 p.m. to go home. These are 10 year old kids! What the hell are they doing out at 10:30 at night???

This “kid” refuses to go to sleep at night unless his father lays down with him. I’ve complained about this to HB as it meant that in order for HB to get a restful sleep, they slept in our bed, which meant that I was moved to the spare room. So HB’s answer was to indicate to Frodo that it wasn’t ok to move me out of my bed (see? All my fault…) and now he lays down with him in Frodo’s bed – a single mate’s bed. Not at all appropriate in my mind because once again Frodo has what he wants – he’s come between HB and I. In the eyes of this child, I don’t matter and actually if he could, he’d be rid of me.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about Frodo’s behaviour. He has hit that annoying stage where he throws a tantrum, or tells a lie….gets his dad to believe him and then looks evilly over his dad’s shoulder, almost sticking his tongue out at me while his dad is hugging him to make it all better. I feel sometimes like a third child, trying to get his dad to believe what’s going on.

HB has told me that he feels incredible guilt over leaving his children when that marriage broke up. He doesn’t see it, but he’s compensating by giving in to Frodo. I’m convinced it’s going to cause this child deeper problems in the long run. Cold as it may sound, lots and lots of kids have survived divorce and remarriage. Suck it up, move on. He’ll get over it if we treat him with appropriateness and love.

I have two basic issues with it all. First, I worry about what we’re doing to his future by teaching him that being sullen, persistent, whiney and throwing the occasional crying tantrum will get him everything that he wants in this world. Secondly, I feel resentful and tired about not having my rightful place as their father’s wife recognized by HB or the children. Most days I feel as if I’m in the way here – taking up space on the (my) couch when they want to sit there; watching shows on the (my) television when they want to watch; being the cook, maid and housekeeper, but not having a say about whether three additional children can stay overnight or eat with us. It’s not a good place to be, and I’m feeling totally resentful about it all this morning!

If he doesn’t stop giving in, then I have to go open an account now to start saving for the psychotherapy this child is going to need in the future. He’ll have a rough go of it when he realizes the world at large doesn’t respond well when you throw a fit to get what you want, or that your friends look at you funny when you’re 14 and still wanting your dad to come sleep with you at night.

The other part of the problem is that I am back to work this week. HB is a teacher, so he’s off all summer. However HB is also very into his sports, so his summer is spent at the lake paddling or working out in the club’s weight room. If he’s not there, he’s either jogging or going to tae kwan do. And if he’s not there, he’s resting or eating. Get the picture? Not a lot of cooking or cleaning, or, dare I say, doing chores around the house, can fit into that schedule. Add the kids into it and you can imagine what happens! I’ve come home every day this week to a messy house; nothing even taken out of the freezer for supper, let alone begun to be cooked; clothing and towels from the day at the lake hung all over the back patio railing drying out (the railing is right below the clothes line!). When I arrive home it’s time to get supper on the go and those clothes dried because there’s something on the go at 6:30 every night (paddling, tae kwan do, band practice). By the time I get to sit down, I’m tired, cranky and just a tad resentful. Then we introduce a spoiled 10 year to that mix, and HB wonders why I seem “off”. Last night I tried to talk to him and he
shut
me
down.

We were not amused. I haven’t slept a whole lot since then, and woke up this morning feeling even more resentful than I did last night. I have four hours until the kids go home and God help me, I’m obviously counting them. I’ve been up for 2 hours now, and HB has not yet said good morning to me.

It’s going to be a long day. And yeah, I’m convinced more than ever that introducing another child into this zoo would not be a good idea.

Trudging along

I'm back to work and I so don't want to be here! I'm working, minute by minute, to adjust my attitude but it doesn't seem to be working thus far. I'm actively seeking other opportunities as I'm just not feeling stimulated or valued in this current position. I had to move spaces yet again yesterday. Since April I have moved office space three times, and have gone from having a large office with hard walls and a door, to a smaller office with hard walls and a door, to a slightly smaller cubicle with soft walls, no door to this latest space ~ which was previously assigned to a student on work placement here and is located outside of three large offices that belong to people who our department's senior manager brought over from her previous department. Nice.

On the good news front, I was down another 2.4 lbs this morning at weigh-in, taking me to a total 15.6 loss since I started following the Weight Watchers core program. People noticed the loss yesterday when I returned to work because they hadn't seen me for a month. Well that, and I got about 5 lbs of hair cut off while on vacation!

HB is coming over to have lunch with me today, which is a special treat.

I will make the best of this day! There is nothing that bad that I can't overcome. Nothing.

Back to the Real World

Today is the last day of my month long vacation. I'm very reluctant to return to work. I've had such an amazing month, and feel like a totally new person. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to have someone deposit money into my bank account every second week so I can just continue living this good life without the stress of the job, but thus far, I haven't been successful in finding a legal way of making that happen.

This month off has been amazing for lots of reasons. I've spent most of it hanging out with my husband and the kids at the paddling club. Although I'm not physically at the point where I would feel comfortable learning to paddle yet (ok...mostly because I'm afraid my arse would get wedged in those teeny tiny boats and would require the jaws of life to get me out...), I've really enjoyed being a spectator and cheerleader this summer. It's helped my relationship with the kids immensely. They now see me as someone who is interested and able to participate in what they do ~ not just that woman that tries to steal time with their father. I've also come to know some of the people that HB paddles with, and have realized that, just like Sally Fields, they like me...they really like me!

I've spent a lot of time with HB. We've had time to talk, dream, laugh, walk, and continue to build this amazing friendship that we have going on. God, I love this man. He is incredible. Yesterday I was at the club watching him race in a master's regatta. Not only is he amazing to look at - he's fun to be around. People love him. He's just one of those very nice guys, you know? The women at the club were joking with me, saying how they all fight to be his kayak partner. And they do fight with each other! It's really funny to watch, but so cool to know that he picked me to be his life partner. Having him in my life just reminds me that good things do come to those who wait.

Speaking of which, I had two interesting encounters of the infertility kind yesterday.

The first was when I went to the mailbox and cleared it out. One of the devotional books that we read was there, and on the cover was a description of the inside story of one woman's experience of infertility. It was as if a message was being sent directly to me.

Later that day at the regatta, a wife of one of the other paddlers came over to sit with me ... bringing along their 3 year old son. We got chatting about kids, work, families ... the usual small talk stuff. Suddenly she begins to share her story of the 15 years of infertility that they lived through before giving birth to their little guy at age 41. When she was finished, she just looked at me and said "man, where did THAT come from???" Do you think that we sometimes just have infertile-radar and instinctively know each other?

I made the decision to remain off the clomid again this month, and just give my body a break. I know I could be doing so many things to assist with achieving pregnancy, but I really am feeling like I just need to chill for a bit. I'm going to continue charting ... mostly because I'm curious now more than anything ... but I'm shifting my energies to continuing to get myself physically and mentally healthy. I'm loving this space that I'm in, and I'm really enjoying taking care of myself physically. The weight is continuing to come off .... slowly ... but it's coming off. I'm walking on a regular basis. I'm relaxed. Hey! I'm relaxed! Doesn't that mean I'll get pregnant now????

So yeah, life is good today.