The wind is howling outside, and the rain pouring. My honey has gone to tae kwan do, and I'm hoping he doesn't come home with any more cuts or bruises on his handsome face. Two weeks before our wedding he arrived home with a black eye. He's 40 and insists on sparring with the 18 year olds, not understanding that yes, he might be a lean mean fighting machine but he's still slower than the kids, and has a tendency to lead with his face. He arrived home Monday night with his left eye cut open ... looking for Crazy Glue to seal it up.
And I want to have this man's children? I wonder about me sometimes!
I made the decision to get just a bit more serious about trying to conceive. After my out damn spot meltdown on the weekend, and then the conversation with HB about his lurking feelings, I realized that I need to at least make the most of these few remaining clomid assisted cycles we have. So I broke down.
And bought a basal thermometre.
And started charting.
There. My dirty little secret is out. I have been a bad infertile. I've never charted.
But I'm worried that I'm obsessing about it. The other morning I woke up at 4 a.m. and was immediately pissed off at myself because I realized I wasn't going to have had four uninterrupted hours of sleep so my temperature wouldn't be accurate. So I lay there, willing myself back to sleep and of course you know how that goes. The more you will yourself the wider awake you are. So my first temp was taken at 4:30 a.m.
Then the next morning, I was having one of those just before you wake up dreams. Was it about mad monkey loving or Tom Cruise or anything? Nah...it was about my new friend the basal thermometre. I kept putting it in my mouth but couldn't get it in the right spot so it wouldn't start beeping. I was laying in bed, poking and poking and poking, trying to find the spot. My mouth was actually getting sore in this dream!
But I woke up, found the right little nook under my tongue, and lay there, happily beeping away.
This morning, I lay in bed, thermometre in my mouth, beeping away. HB leaned over my face and showed me what a good job the Crazy Glue had done sealing his cut up. The man's a medical genius I tell you.
So now I just have to figure out how to interpret the chart and not do the 'oh shit we missed it' thing. Who wouldn't want to make a baby with a man who uses Crazy Glue to seal his cuts up????
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Out Damn Spot!
No go. Woke up this morning and tried to continue to be hopeful by thinking perhaps it's implantation bleeding ~ but that's not the case.
I don't know if I want to keep on this road. This morning, even HB, who is the one who wanted a hockey team of kids, said he had some second thoughts the other day. He quickly qualified it by saying he knows it was just a moment of selfishness and self centredness kicking in, and that he would be delighted if we manage to conceive ... but the fact that he voiced thoughts gave me pause.
If we conceived this year, I would be 43 when the child arrives. Which means that I'd be retired and on pension by the time he/she is in high school and moving on to post-secondary. Would we have the energy to live life fully with this child or would we be doing a disservice to him/her? I look at what we do with Frodo and Mini-Me now at ages 7 & 9. We camp, paddle, play hockey, video games, walk, take trips ... the list goes on and on but then again, we have relative youth and energy on our side right now. Would we still have that when we're in our fifties and what if we don't?
I'm sad and confused.
I don't know if I want to keep on this road. This morning, even HB, who is the one who wanted a hockey team of kids, said he had some second thoughts the other day. He quickly qualified it by saying he knows it was just a moment of selfishness and self centredness kicking in, and that he would be delighted if we manage to conceive ... but the fact that he voiced thoughts gave me pause.
If we conceived this year, I would be 43 when the child arrives. Which means that I'd be retired and on pension by the time he/she is in high school and moving on to post-secondary. Would we have the energy to live life fully with this child or would we be doing a disservice to him/her? I look at what we do with Frodo and Mini-Me now at ages 7 & 9. We camp, paddle, play hockey, video games, walk, take trips ... the list goes on and on but then again, we have relative youth and energy on our side right now. Would we still have that when we're in our fifties and what if we don't?
I'm sad and confused.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Canadian eh?
Do you ever get feeling superstitious around this whole conception thing? I often feel like if I just pretend we're not really trying to conceive, and if I just don't say out loud that I'm feeling a few symptoms, then it might come true.
So I think I jinxed myself by posting about the symptoms on Monday.
Today I'm feeling all crampy and stuff, and it might just be my imagination, but my boobs don't seem quite as tender any more. Not to be too graphic and specific, but it's really just the nips anyhow. It's like they have twenty kajillion nerve endings in them that happen to be touching e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g right now, and then to top it all off, have decided to dry up, allowing themselves to resemble overbaked sheets of phyllo dough! God...no wonder my husband adores me eh?
On the positive side (oops....damn...probably jinxed myself AGAIN by even typing the word positive), my cold seems to have begun the farewell journey. My voice is back, and I actually ventured into the office today.
Yeah. I'm definitely not going to read anything into this soreness. I think it's just one of those lovely side benefits of living in Canada in April.
So I think I jinxed myself by posting about the symptoms on Monday.
Today I'm feeling all crampy and stuff, and it might just be my imagination, but my boobs don't seem quite as tender any more. Not to be too graphic and specific, but it's really just the nips anyhow. It's like they have twenty kajillion nerve endings in them that happen to be touching e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g right now, and then to top it all off, have decided to dry up, allowing themselves to resemble overbaked sheets of phyllo dough! God...no wonder my husband adores me eh?
On the positive side (oops....damn...probably jinxed myself AGAIN by even typing the word positive), my cold seems to have begun the farewell journey. My voice is back, and I actually ventured into the office today.
Yeah. I'm definitely not going to read anything into this soreness. I think it's just one of those lovely side benefits of living in Canada in April.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Not one minute before
It's day 25 of this cycle that was brought to you by the good folks at Clomid.
I'm having some symptoms.
And trying not to read too much into them.
I also have the cold from hell which has stripped me of my voice and is apparently engaging in a major weight loss effort through draining of all bodily fluids through my nasal passages, except of course when it isn't dancing a rain dance in stiletto heels, causing my entire face to ache.
And although I'm trying not to read too much into these symptoms that are non-cold related, I'm not allowing myself to take anything for this cold ... except time out of the office. Which is good since it's hard to work when you can't talk.
One more week. One more week. One more week. I will take no test before it's time.
I'm having some symptoms.
And trying not to read too much into them.
I also have the cold from hell which has stripped me of my voice and is apparently engaging in a major weight loss effort through draining of all bodily fluids through my nasal passages, except of course when it isn't dancing a rain dance in stiletto heels, causing my entire face to ache.
And although I'm trying not to read too much into these symptoms that are non-cold related, I'm not allowing myself to take anything for this cold ... except time out of the office. Which is good since it's hard to work when you can't talk.
One more week. One more week. One more week. I will take no test before it's time.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
An Amazing Night
In September 2004, I wrote about the death of a good friend of mine to cancer. She was an amazing woman. One of those people who just naturally brought people together, and was always aware of those who could be perceived by others as "less fortunate". She was a great equalizer. She worked in the disability community, and in fact really lived in that community, and had many many friends.
She also had an amazing family that she had raised pretty much on her own. An incredible daughter, who is actually my age, and a gentle, loving son. And then came the grandchildren.
Her first grandson entered this world and not surprisingly, stole her heart. She doted on him, and spent amazing amounts of time with him. And she was the first to notice that perhaps not all was it should be with her beautiful grandson. In the early years of his life, it was determined that he was living with autism.
It is always boggling to me how the people who are given these situations have been equipped. This entire family had spent most of their days supporting others, and now one of their own could be perceived as a person with a disability.
This family rallied round. They have put an incredible support system in place that maximizes this young man's ability to be a citizen in our world. And his grandmother's greatest wish for him was that he would have a companion_dog .
So last night we held a benefit in her memory to assist with raising some of the funds necessary to make this wish become reality.
A group of our friends came together with members of her family, shortly after her funeral, to begin planning what turned out to be an amazing night. There was not one person who was approached to be part of this in some way, who said no. I am constantly and consistently heartened by the generosity of people.
We sat and served 140 for a dinner, which was graciously prepared by staff at a club who donated their time. We had an amazing silent auction; sold tickets on a backyard bash which included a bbq (donated), steak (donated) and the necessary cold beverages (donated); and realized profit from bar sales (donated). Two bands donated their time and talent ... HB's band and a former roomie of mine's husband's band...who have an amazing rock/blues sound going on.
I don't know what the final tally for the night was, but I know that we all had a blast. We honoured our friend's memory and came a bit closer to making her final act of selflessness come true. Her daughter and son-in-law travel to Ontario to train with the dog in May, and then the dog will be coming home to enrich the life of their son.
The world seems just a bit brighter to me today.
She also had an amazing family that she had raised pretty much on her own. An incredible daughter, who is actually my age, and a gentle, loving son. And then came the grandchildren.
Her first grandson entered this world and not surprisingly, stole her heart. She doted on him, and spent amazing amounts of time with him. And she was the first to notice that perhaps not all was it should be with her beautiful grandson. In the early years of his life, it was determined that he was living with autism.
It is always boggling to me how the people who are given these situations have been equipped. This entire family had spent most of their days supporting others, and now one of their own could be perceived as a person with a disability.
This family rallied round. They have put an incredible support system in place that maximizes this young man's ability to be a citizen in our world. And his grandmother's greatest wish for him was that he would have a companion_dog .
So last night we held a benefit in her memory to assist with raising some of the funds necessary to make this wish become reality.
A group of our friends came together with members of her family, shortly after her funeral, to begin planning what turned out to be an amazing night. There was not one person who was approached to be part of this in some way, who said no. I am constantly and consistently heartened by the generosity of people.
We sat and served 140 for a dinner, which was graciously prepared by staff at a club who donated their time. We had an amazing silent auction; sold tickets on a backyard bash which included a bbq (donated), steak (donated) and the necessary cold beverages (donated); and realized profit from bar sales (donated). Two bands donated their time and talent ... HB's band and a former roomie of mine's husband's band...who have an amazing rock/blues sound going on.
I don't know what the final tally for the night was, but I know that we all had a blast. We honoured our friend's memory and came a bit closer to making her final act of selflessness come true. Her daughter and son-in-law travel to Ontario to train with the dog in May, and then the dog will be coming home to enrich the life of their son.
The world seems just a bit brighter to me today.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Timing is everything
We had an incredible last few days. Frodo and Mini-Me's mom was away for business, so they stayed with us for a good long stretch. I had to play the soccer mom on Thursday by going to pick the boys up from school early as it was a parent/teacher meeting day. Since their Dad is a teacher, and therefore required to stay at school to meet with the other parents, that left me. We had a ball together. We went and picked Dad up and took him to lunch before his afternoon started, and then we hit the stores for a bit, before coming home and them playing with their friends.
There were two most magical moments. The first was Friday morning, when Frodo came into the room where I was watching the papal funeral, and handed me a cup of coffee that he had poured himself with no prompting. It was not at all how I take my coffee, but the fact that he had thought outside of himself to do it! That alone made me drink it (and remember just how much I dislike the taste of sugar in coffee!!!)
The second magical moment was at the supper table on Sunday. Mini-Me broke into a belly laugh that would just melt ice cubes! His whole face lit up, and he literally laid his head on the table laughing. He was remembering something his brother had said during the priest's homily that morning, and shared it with us...but what was so amazing was how this seven year old creature gets humour, sarcasm and wit ... and how it just lights him up. In that moment, I knew how much I loved that young child!
I think the saddest part for me was on Sunday at supper time, when Frodo said he really wanted to stay here with us, but knew that he would miss his mom too. What a hell of a thing divorce does to kids.
Having a stretch period like that with them makes me feel like maybe I could actually do this if we are ever fortunate enough to carry a baby to term.
It really was an insane weekend. I had a full day workshop to attend on Saturday, which I couldn't get out of because I was speaking at it. HB had a concert practice that same morning with one of school bands, and then had physio in the afternoon. Just to torture ourselves, we had also invited good friends of ours over for supper that night, and they accepted! It all worked out, and we had a great day, busy as it was. This is what life's all about. Family, good friends, pursuing interests ... and hell, we even had time to get some baby making activity into the mix!
Which means that we might have nailed the timing this month. We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I'm counting my points and so far it's paying off. Three lbs in the first two weeks, and my week three weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm just following the plan at home by myself. Just can't imagine paying one more cent to Weight Watchers - I might as well buy the company I've joined so often!
There were two most magical moments. The first was Friday morning, when Frodo came into the room where I was watching the papal funeral, and handed me a cup of coffee that he had poured himself with no prompting. It was not at all how I take my coffee, but the fact that he had thought outside of himself to do it! That alone made me drink it (and remember just how much I dislike the taste of sugar in coffee!!!)
The second magical moment was at the supper table on Sunday. Mini-Me broke into a belly laugh that would just melt ice cubes! His whole face lit up, and he literally laid his head on the table laughing. He was remembering something his brother had said during the priest's homily that morning, and shared it with us...but what was so amazing was how this seven year old creature gets humour, sarcasm and wit ... and how it just lights him up. In that moment, I knew how much I loved that young child!
I think the saddest part for me was on Sunday at supper time, when Frodo said he really wanted to stay here with us, but knew that he would miss his mom too. What a hell of a thing divorce does to kids.
Having a stretch period like that with them makes me feel like maybe I could actually do this if we are ever fortunate enough to carry a baby to term.
It really was an insane weekend. I had a full day workshop to attend on Saturday, which I couldn't get out of because I was speaking at it. HB had a concert practice that same morning with one of school bands, and then had physio in the afternoon. Just to torture ourselves, we had also invited good friends of ours over for supper that night, and they accepted! It all worked out, and we had a great day, busy as it was. This is what life's all about. Family, good friends, pursuing interests ... and hell, we even had time to get some baby making activity into the mix!
Which means that we might have nailed the timing this month. We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I'm counting my points and so far it's paying off. Three lbs in the first two weeks, and my week three weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm just following the plan at home by myself. Just can't imagine paying one more cent to Weight Watchers - I might as well buy the company I've joined so often!
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Life is good
I've hit a blogging block I think. I've looked at this daily and thought I should be posting, but haven't done so. Not that there's nothing going on in my life ... I'm just not sure there's anything worthy of writing. Which tells me that I have stopped using this as a journal, and crossed that line to "what will people think? Can I come up with something interesting?" Not good. I've always known that when I journal for an audience, it's not doing me any good. So ... I'm just going to write.
I was fascinated by the coverage of the Pope's death this past weekend. As a Christian person, I was very saddened and yet also joyful. Sad that the world has lost someone who did so much for many groups of people. He was a true champion of the young and the oppressed. It will be interesting to see what happens now though. His leadership was not very forward thinking when it came to the actual Catholic Church. I've heard it all over the last week. His stance on women and celibacy for priests. His slow reaction during the horrific abuse scandals that have emerged. There is much much more. Again, I'm a cradle Catholic so it might be hypocritical, but I find that as long as I'm ok with my relationship with God, and I'm ok with my relationship with the world ... the formal Catholic Church is not going to stand in my way.
Interesting though, when my mother called me last Saturday to ask if I still had a bunch of pictures from an ordination we had attended. When we lived in Brussels, we were close to a university that had a theology program. We became friends with a group of seminarians from that university, many of whom remain in the priesthood today. One of them is actually a Cardinal (South Africa) and his name has been loosely bantered around as a successor. The chances are likely slim, but it's very cool to think that I know someone who will be in the Conclave. We have pictures (somewhere!) of us with him at his ordination into the deaconate (I think....I was very young).
This weekend would be prime baby making time according to the calendar. Of course, we have the kids arriving at noon today and with us for the whole weekend. Their mother is away for work. The chances of HB and I actually being able to engage in the prerequisite baby making behaviour? Slim to none. Pisses me off to think that I may have pumped my body full of a medication unnecessarily this month.
The time change has done a pile of good for my cheer. Loving that brightness that remains in the sky until 7 or 7:30 at night.
My new assignment at work is going well.
HB's band had an audition last night at an open mic session, and I got to hook up with a former roommate and good friend whom I haven't seen or spent time with in ages. It was a great night. Good food, music and friends. Life doesn't get much better.
I was fascinated by the coverage of the Pope's death this past weekend. As a Christian person, I was very saddened and yet also joyful. Sad that the world has lost someone who did so much for many groups of people. He was a true champion of the young and the oppressed. It will be interesting to see what happens now though. His leadership was not very forward thinking when it came to the actual Catholic Church. I've heard it all over the last week. His stance on women and celibacy for priests. His slow reaction during the horrific abuse scandals that have emerged. There is much much more. Again, I'm a cradle Catholic so it might be hypocritical, but I find that as long as I'm ok with my relationship with God, and I'm ok with my relationship with the world ... the formal Catholic Church is not going to stand in my way.
Interesting though, when my mother called me last Saturday to ask if I still had a bunch of pictures from an ordination we had attended. When we lived in Brussels, we were close to a university that had a theology program. We became friends with a group of seminarians from that university, many of whom remain in the priesthood today. One of them is actually a Cardinal (South Africa) and his name has been loosely bantered around as a successor. The chances are likely slim, but it's very cool to think that I know someone who will be in the Conclave. We have pictures (somewhere!) of us with him at his ordination into the deaconate (I think....I was very young).
This weekend would be prime baby making time according to the calendar. Of course, we have the kids arriving at noon today and with us for the whole weekend. Their mother is away for work. The chances of HB and I actually being able to engage in the prerequisite baby making behaviour? Slim to none. Pisses me off to think that I may have pumped my body full of a medication unnecessarily this month.
The time change has done a pile of good for my cheer. Loving that brightness that remains in the sky until 7 or 7:30 at night.
My new assignment at work is going well.
HB's band had an audition last night at an open mic session, and I got to hook up with a former roommate and good friend whom I haven't seen or spent time with in ages. It was a great night. Good food, music and friends. Life doesn't get much better.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Home Alone
I'm in charge of the kids!!! They are locked ..... ummm I mean in the basement playing PS2 with their friends. HB is out having physio (finally!) on that shoulder of his. And I'm experiencing normal life with kids.
Ever see that commercial where the guy is saying he always wanted to be "that Dad"? I think it's a car commercial. Well, my husband is "that Dad". Kids everywhere love him. And our house has become "that house" in the neighbourhood ... the house where all the kids hang out. And eat. Holy cow, do they eat! Because we have two boys, it's always boys that are here. There are some days when I feel so surrounded by testosterone, I'm not quite sure what to do.
I love it.
There have been a few posts on some of my favourite blogs of late that I can relate to regarding the questioning of why we're on this journey. Is the goal of becoming pregnant and actually carrying to term sometimes outweighing the reason we try? Do I realize that the reason that I'm trying is to have a baby? A child? A whole other person with whom I will be connected forever and ever amen?
Have I really considered the changes in my lifestyle? What it will mean to my identity? The long term responsibility? I mean, my God, how much is university going to cost by the time a child I have now is ready to attend?
Then I listen to the voices of the boys and their friends in the basement, and I think "yeah, I know".
Ever see that commercial where the guy is saying he always wanted to be "that Dad"? I think it's a car commercial. Well, my husband is "that Dad". Kids everywhere love him. And our house has become "that house" in the neighbourhood ... the house where all the kids hang out. And eat. Holy cow, do they eat! Because we have two boys, it's always boys that are here. There are some days when I feel so surrounded by testosterone, I'm not quite sure what to do.
I love it.
There have been a few posts on some of my favourite blogs of late that I can relate to regarding the questioning of why we're on this journey. Is the goal of becoming pregnant and actually carrying to term sometimes outweighing the reason we try? Do I realize that the reason that I'm trying is to have a baby? A child? A whole other person with whom I will be connected forever and ever amen?
Have I really considered the changes in my lifestyle? What it will mean to my identity? The long term responsibility? I mean, my God, how much is university going to cost by the time a child I have now is ready to attend?
Then I listen to the voices of the boys and their friends in the basement, and I think "yeah, I know".
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