I'm looking for the 'click' that I need and I can't find it. I'm still on a bit of a high from that workshop last week, but am feeling personally frustrated with myself. If I wasn't so overweight right now, I'd attempt to kick my own ass, but at my weight, that just wouldn't be pretty.
In August 1998, I found the 'click'. I walked into a weight loss clinic, picked up their program, talked to the counsellor there, and proceeded to embark on a journey that resulted with me being 60 lbs lighter by May1999. I had the 'click'. My head was totally there with me. I took one day at a time, and I celebrated every loss. I loved the compliments, and I was totally devoted to this program.
Then in 2002, I got pregnant. I had allowed about 20 of those hard lost pounds to sneak back on by this time, but was still doing alright. Within the first 20 weeks of that pregnancy, I had regained 35 more. When we lost the baby, I was 5 lbs lighter than when I had first walked into that clinic in 1998.
I have just continued to move upward. I am 10 lbs heavier than when we lost the baby in 2002. I'm going to the gym off and on, but I can't seem to keep it going much more than a month in a solid run.
What pisses me off is that I know what it is that I have to do! I just can't seem to get my shit together enough to do it.
When I met my husband, I was wearing a size 10. We have a picture of the two of us and we're these teeny tiny little people. He was that way because he was sick, of course, and it didn't look great on him. His cheeks were hollow looking and his face drawn ... but our bodies were both teeny tiny.
Then we both went the other way during the pregnancy. Pictures from during and after that time show us looking like a pair of weebles - round and smiling.
Now he's put a real drive on in the last year and returned to working out with a vengence. He is at the gym one hour each day, runs in the morning, and usually does two tae kwan do classes per week. In the summer he paddles. It's important to note one basic difference between us. He grew up engaged in athletics, and in fact, was a fairly well known junior hockey player here that got drafted to two farm teams. I grew up cooking and eating clams and fries in the rinks while he was playing. Never was I athletic ~ nor am I inclined to be now.
He hasn't said anything to me about my weight gain, but I feel embarrassed around him. He's so trim and fit now - actually has those hard ab happening. My stomach rests on my legs as I sit here typing.
I need to get off this fat arse and go find my click. Now. Today. Even if it is just for today.
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6 comments:
Sandy, I'm sorry for your loss. And your gain. Oh geez, that wasn't meant to be funny. But it did get me thinking. Forgive me if this sounds like I am blowing smoke, but maybe the weight is a comforting reminder of your pregnancy? I wish you luck in your search for something to motivate you, perhaps its worth a try to go back to the place that worked last time. Thinking of you.
I wish I could give you a 'click' jumpstart but I just don't know what it would be.
I do have to say I like the idea about just 'going in' to the last place that helped so much to see if something 'clicks' there again. You never know.
Yeah Sandy, I know exactly how you feel...exactly. I was a size 4 -- a small size 4 when I got married. Now I wear double digits. My husband gets better looking every year and her I am, this lump. I wrote about this on my blog today.
Thinking of you and hoping you get your 'click' back.
xxoo,
Emily
Thanks everyone. The reason that I don't go back to the place I used for the loss the first time is that it involves 'herbal medication' which I have been advised does not mix with pregnancy or potential pregnancy. No, unfortunately I think Weight Watchers and the gym is the only real way to get this off. Damn. I want someone to lose it for me!! Donna ~ I hadn't thought about it being a reminder of my pregnancy, but now that you mention it, the weight is mostly in my belly and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can remember it when it was filled with baby. Maybe you're onto something.
Sandy,
I lost a lot of weight last year and felt fantastic for the first time in my life. For the last six months with all the ttc stuff I've been slowly gaining weight and losing muscle. I'm back up one dress size and it's very depressing. yet I just can't motivate myself to get back in the exercise and don't-eat-junk groove I was in for 6 months. I wish I could help but my own click has gone walkabout.
Thank you for your support
Hi, Sandy!! Before I got pg I found my click, but now I think it has a short. I read Oprah's trainer, Bob Greene's new book,Total Body Makeover. One of the things he suggests is to stop eating at least 3 hours before bed time. I find that works for me - it's very hard, but makes the next day a bit easier and creates momentum for success. There are two websites I plan on signing up for: nomoreexcuses.net and connectingconnectors.com. I haven't had a chance to look at them too closely, but I know one will send you motivational e-mails each day.
Good luck!! You've done if before and you will do it again.
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