Shifting chairs in the sand

I'm touched that there is still even one person reading this blog! I have to say it kept me sane for a long time. It's hard to believe how long I've had it going - I think this is the biggest commitment I've ever made and kept!

I'm on vacation this week, and it's been grand thus far. Last week HB and I took off for a few days just on our own. We went to the beautiful island of Cape Breton, where we took in some awesome music, toured a historic fortress, ate some really good food, and walked. A lot. And mostly we decompressed. I hadn't realized how stressed I was feeling. I had even lost my voice over the last two weeks. HB finally said to me Friday night, as we sat eating pizza in our hotel room, that he had been beginning to resent my schedule of late. That's something - coming from the man who is so active I get tired even thinking about it! He said how touched he was that I had made the decision earlier that week to get up from my school work and go to a movie with he and Mini-Me. (It was a no-brainer in my mind...come on....Hairspray....John Travolta in a dress....I wasn't missing it!) But his point was made.

So we're committing to checking our commitments with each other before saying yes. Something we've gotten away from in the last few months. And we've also committed to having HB and Sandy time more often. No kids, no dawgs, no cell phones, laptops or work. Just us.

On the being a barren, childless bag side of life - I was hit with a drive-by the other day! Haven't had that happen in quite a while. We were at a paddling regatta, and there was a woman there with her young son. They were having fun, swimming around and watching the races. Another paddler from our team was sitting beside me and suddenly she said "do you have kids of your own?" - the dreaded question - the one I'm never sure how to answer.

Sometimes I take the time to explain that we tried and failed miserably, but that I do consider that I have had at least two kids that didn't make it fully into the world. Other times I answer that we have two boys through HB. And then there are days like this one where I take what feels like the easy way out...in the moment...and just answer with a simple no. Expecting that will end the conversation.

But Ms. Drive-By pressed on, proceeding to tell me just how very lucky and blessed I am to never have had children. How they get on your nerves and are most often little ingrates, and how hers would never come support her at the regattas......and so on.....you get the picture. Then the little guy at the water's edge screeched, underlining her point and giving her room to say "see how lucky you are? Never had to listen to THAT..."

And I wondered if she could see just how desperately we wanted to listen to "that", or to experience the little ingrates that didn't make it into the world.

HB reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. And without saying a word, I knew that he knew.

So we smiled at her, wished her luck in her next race, and moved our chairs to another location. And only shed one single tear.

We have moved on. Mostly.