One minute at a time

Driving.
Cell phone rings.
It's the doctor.
Dr. H: Did you get your test results?
Moi: Nope. (trying hard to keep eyes on road while HB sits anxiously beside me)
Dr. H: Well, you are pregnant.
(Pause)
Dr. H: In fact, how do you feel? Because you are extremely pregnant.
Moi: (Still trying to keep eyes on road while tears are welling up in said eyes.) Umm...I feel tired but you know
Dr. H: But do you feel pregnant? Because I mean it...you are very pregnant!
Moi: (Giving up and pulling over to the side of the road).
Dr. H: Make an appointment tomorrow and get yourself in here.

My hcg levels were 2000+

I'm allowing myself to feel happy tonight.

Happy Blogaversary to Me

On August 30, 2004 I posted to this blog for the first time. It had been two years since we had discovered that our baby boy was not alive.

Here I sit, exactly two years later. Pregnant. Holy cow.

I am stunned beyond belief. I saw my doctor today and got the blood work order. I'll go first thing tomorrow morning and believe it or not, I can't remember how it works. I think I will have to go back and get a second draw in a day or two. I'm hoping it's the very next day since I'm working out of town every day this week.

HB and I had already had plans to hang out with my parents yesterday, and we decided that we would share the news with them. HB is working really hard to help me remain positive. Like me, he says he's happy and scared all at once. I think happy is winning out with him. He wants to wait a few days until I get the hcg levels back and then wants us to tell Frodo and Mini-Me together.

I guess Frodo and Mini-Me were talking about wanting a baby brother or sister just the other day. Man, imagine how cool I'll be if I can actually deliver on that want? I mean really....first I actually saw Kiss in person which upped my cool level with Mini-Me....so delivering on this would be huge!

HB and I are following through with our lock down this weekend. I have to head to an amazing part of our province for work on Thursday. HB is going to come with me, and we're going to stay down there for Friday night as well. We've booked a really nice cottage on the grounds of a resort right on the water. My sister in law is going to hang out here with the dawg while we're gone, which is great.

And just to keep things exciting, I got a call today inviting me to an interview for a job that I would just absolutely love to have! It's a one year assignment to start, but it's with a staff team that I truly see as being a key part of my future career. I accepted the interview and will deal with any decisions I may have to make if and when they arise.

A state of disbelief. Part of me knows it's true because I have the positive test stick. And I feel exactly the way I did with my first pregnancy that actually hung around for any length of time. Sore boobs that are already showing blue veins. Bags under my eyes and mid afternoon tiredness. Early morning wakings, and already with the peeing thing. I went to the weight loss clinic I've been attending yesterday, and knew that I had to tell them. They were absolutely delighted, resulting in every consultant in the office coming into where I was, squeeling with delight and hugging me ... and telling me that although I was NOT to eat for two, I was also not to come back until after my baby was born. They were using words like "due date" and "bring the baby in". How the hell can people be so confident that a pregnancy is actually going to result in a baby?

Oh. My. God

This is what I woke up to this morning. I'll write more when I can think straight. I'm terrified right now.

So...edited at 6 p.m. my time to update you all.

Yes, it is what you think. I have been waiting and waiting for my stupid period to start, never ever thinking that I might possibly be pregnant because, you know, I gave up on that some time ago. This morning I got up at my usual time and decided to use this one lonely test I had in the cupboard. I was using it more to assure myself that I wasn't pregnant, and that my period would indeed be starting any day now.

Ha. That worked well didn't it?

I think we're both in shock. I'm very likely only about 5 weeks along. I called the doctor today to see about getting hcg levels done.

I'm terrified. Terrified that it won't stick around. And terrified that it will stick around.

Reluctant hostess

Today is my last day of vacation. It's raining like crazy outside, and I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I'll know enough next year, though, not to take my vacation around my week of exams. I thought I was being smart doing that but in fact, I spent the first week of my vacation stuck in the trailer suffering death by stepchildren, and stressed about not getting my school stuff done. Then I spent my second week away from work in classes. Then my third week away from work (second week of vacation) was spent with HB's sister here, who apparently has moved in with us.

Don't get me wrong. She's lovely. It's just that I am used to down time, and our lifestyle gives me plenty of that down time by myself. We might go like wild people between gigs, works, kids, commitments but then I'll find myself all alone in the house for a few hours or even a whole evening, and I will lap it up. Not so much since she arrived.

There's a part of me that feels horribly guilty for even writing about it. You see, her husband of 20 years up and told her in May that he no longer loved her. It has taken her until now to get the balls up to actually leave the kids with him, get on a plane and start thinking about herself for a change. She told him she needed to be with family, and over she came last week. She came camping with us for our two day "let's get away by ourselves" time, and then just never got out of the car when we got back into town.

She told me today that she only bought a one way ticket. And then made a request for me to help her hook up with the people she needs to talk with in order to start her own business.

HB and I were sniping at each other in the kitchen today because we're both kind of at the end of our ropes. There have just been too many people around in this little house all week, and no room to put them or us or the tension.

I'm on the road most of the next two weeks, which probably isn't a bad thing. I'm hoping she'll get lonely enough to think about buying another one way ticket ... or if not that, to think about moving back to her mother's place. Damn me for being lazy this summer and not getting that bed out of the spare room thrown out and replaced with a chair and new computer desk! Did I mention that the only space left in this house that I've managed to protect for my own is this one little computer desk space, which just happens to be in the guest room? I start back to classes in 2 weeks, and given that I'm doing an online program, having a guest in the computer room will not work well.

HB assured me today that the lockdown is still on for Labour Day weekend. I hope he understands that lockdowns do not generally involve inviting your sister along.

M'kay. Bitching done. I'm putting my hostess face back on and headed downstairs now.

Lock Down Time

I finished my summer term at school today and am feeling absolutely exhausted. It was a long week. Early mornings, long days in the classroom filled with making presentations and listening to others, and then late nights getting ready for the next long day. I think I averaged about 3 hours sleep per night this week.

But I have two more courses completed in this program. Only ten more to go - April 2008 will be here before I know it!

I found a job that I'm interested in applying for this week. At best, it will be a lateral move and in fact if I can't negotiate continued support for my educational program, it will be a decrease ... but it's out of the department I'm currently in, and working with people that I really really like. It's also doing work that I find very interesting, and would put me in touch with a whole new group of senior people. I've decided I'm going to apply for it and even if I don't get it, I suspect I'll get an interview which will be a good experience.

HB and I have been trying to get some time alone all summer, and it ain't happening. We thought we had managed to plan a sneaky camping trip for this week, but his sister arrived from Newfoundland earlier this week and found out. Guess who is now coming with us?

So...we have declared Labour Day weekend a secret lockdown weekend. We haven't done that in several years. Basically a lock down weekend involves major deception of family and friends (sorry...we'll be out of town that weekend), rental of lots of movies, stocking up on good food and treats, shutting off of the phones, closing of the blinds and curtains, and locking down from the outside world. The longest we've ever done it for is two complete days but with this being a long weekend, we're going to aim for the four night stretch. We might even actually leave town for part of it.

Now the challenge will be for both of us to actually protect that weekend. If we give in and give up time on that weekend, we're screwed. It will mean that we will have no time to ourselves until at least November.

When did we become human doings?

A slow death....torture by stepchildren!

I was camping this week. In a trailer. With three boys under 13 and my husband. And for the first time in my life, I was actually grateful that I am unable to bear children.

It was the week from hell. Mini Me's birthday was last week, and Frodo's is today. We told them they could bring one friend with them, and they picked a kid I will call S here. Now normally, S is the one kid of all their friends that I truly like and enjoy. He is a wee bit older than Frodo and Mini Me, but always seemed to have that good sense gene firmly in place. He demonstrates good manners; knows when to have fun and when to draw the line. I liked him. Until he turned into the demon seed on this camping trip! Both HB and I had to speak to him several times about his behaviour and attitude. Then we lost total control when he met my 14 year old niece (who is gorgeous, in my completely humble opinion) and his hormones raged out of control for the rest of the week ... forcing him to engage in ludicrious actions and assinine behaviours. Ahhh young love.

Add to this that Frodo has been having some major issues which were out in full force this week. I think I've mentioned them before, but to recap - he is entirely and utterly spoiled, but masks it well enough that we're never completely convinced it isn't just the actions of a spoiled child playing parents off against each other, but rather is something more deeply rooted. HB and Knothead are actually taking him to a psychologist next week and I'm not sure whether to be happy or worried. Happy because perhaps we'll finally get to the bottom of it, but worried because Knothead could make a drama out of Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree.

One of the things that causes the most trouble for me is Frodo's complete insistence on being physically connected to HB at all times, especially if it means keeping me away from HB. Even at night. I recently put my foot down and insisted that HB begin to wean this child from sleeping with him at night. Yes, you read correctly. My 11 year old stepson still needs his dad to sleep with him at night. When HB says no, Frodo throws the biggest tantrum you have ever seen. Complete with kicking, screaming, crying and punching. Even if his friends are present. He doesn't seem to have any embarrassment around (1) the fact that he needs his dad to sleep with him or (2) if he can't have that, he has a tantrum.

So picture that in a trailer. The first night he did great. Went to bed on his own, in his own bed, and slept through the night. The second night, however, brought a different story. HB tired of saying no and left the trailer, leaving me to handle it. I have no trouble being the bitch in this situation. I told him he had to the count of three to get to his bed and that for every minute after the count of three, he was going to bed 15 minutes earlier the next night. He wailed, screamed, yelled at me, and then demanded the cell phone so that he could call his mother. I refused. That really set off the tantrum! Who was I to refuse him his right to call his mother? I have noticed that when he calls his mother, the tantrum gets worse after the call. He had already spoken to her earlier that night and said goodnight then - so I felt justified in my refusal.

Anyhow, that was just one of the antics. The rest of the week was filled with the three kids begging for money, for rides in my mother's golf cart, to drive my mother's golf cart, to watch tv, to go to McDonald's, to go to town, to go go go, do do do.....ARRRRGGGGGH!

All I wanted to do was relax. Maybe hike a bit. Go swimming. But generally you know - relax. Do what you do when you go camping. Not what happened. We were at my parent's trailer, which is at my sister's campground, so we were hardly roughing it since they all live there from May to October every year. This is a 40 foot trailer with microwave and satellite tv - a far cry from the four man tent HB and I are used to hauling around with us. The kids discovered the satellite tv the minute we landed, and although it was 35C outside, they were parked inside watching television. There is a beautiful swimming pool and rec hall filled with games just a three second walk down the hill. They were too lazy to even walk that far. If we wouldn't drive them on the golf cart, they weren't interested in going.

I was at my wit's end by the time we loaded up the truck today to come home. Never have I been so glad to get home in my life! I truly have arrived into the "glad I don't have kids" stage. I was absolutely delighted to be able to drop them all off at their other residences today, come home to my quiet, clean and uncluttered home and forget all about kids. Even the dog looked happy to be away from them. A long weekend with two major papers to write has never looked so good to me as this one does!