I love this man!

Thank goodness for this blog! I swear it's what's going to keep my marriage healthy. I can come here, vent, get my thoughts and frustrations out and then go back into whatever the situation is composed.

We are going to be just fine. And thanks for all the support guys. As usual, Sarah was bang on in her comments. He is getting ready to make some changes. High on the list of changes is the place at which our marriage sits in his order of priorities. Believe it or not, that's where he was headed all the time ... we just have different ways of communicating about it with each other.

I think what happens for both of us is that we are so accustomed to serenity and peace these days, that when a blip appears on the serenity radar now and doesn't get handled right away, it appears to become a mountain. Back in the day, we were both so accustomed to traversing mountain peaks and valleys. Didn't feel like we were living if we didn't climb at least one mountain per day to plummet down into the depths of the valley! We wouldn't even have thought of staying put on the plains for a day ... where was the excitement in that??? Now...we love us them plains. We have erected a home on the plains, and put down roots. So when a dip in the plain appears, it confuses us.

We went to our regular community meeting on Wednesday night, and the speaker that night was obviously meant to speak directly to us! Love it when that happens. It's not so much what she said (she was telling her story) but rather that for both of us, we had this lightbulb moment. We weren't sitting together as we usually do at these meetings. HB was several rows behind me but we both had the moment at the same time.

We understood how far down we had been in our past, and from where we had been picked up. And as HB said when he spoke, he understood that the things he was looking at today as obstacles....obligations....irritants....were the very things he had lost at one point. Family, friends, jobs, community, status, respect, love.

We went home and had that overdue heart to heart. I told him about the buttons that had been pushed and how I had been beating myself up over my need to fix reaction. I also had to admit to feeling a bit of guilt, because when that 'just for a minute by mistake' guy was going through the depression, I didn't feel the need to fix. I just felt the frustration of being inconvenienced. As much as I hate to compare HB to that one, in moments like that there is good that comes out of such a comparison. I understand that I am truly and absolutely, sincerely in love with and loved back by this awesome man. That love is further evidenced in that we are both so willing to take the action that is needed to make our lives together the best that it can possibly be.

Let's just say that we're not sleeping with our backs to each other any longer. 'Nuff said.

Poor poor pitiful me

You know I love my husband. You only have to read the many posts around our marriage to understand how very much I love him. But right now I'm struggling. A lot.

HB is depressed. He told me last weekend that he believes he is burning out. He is beyond busy, that's for sure. He is a music teacher and has responsibility for two schools. That means double everything - two choirs, two bands, two musicals, two concerts....not to mention double the classload and having to remember over 600 students. It's a lot. Plus the board that he works for is, as most boards are, severely underfunded and the decisions made with what funding they do have are probably questionable. The schools can't afford class sets of materials for his program, so he spends any free time during the day that he does have at the photocopier.

And that's just his job. In addition to this, he has about several other interest areas outside of work.

He is an athlete who needs to have a work out or run as part of his day.

He is a musician. He plays in one band that has regular gigs and also practices every Sunday afternoon. Besides that band, he is in high demand as a musician for just about anything that's going on in our local community. People are always asking him if he will sit in on this production, that concert, accompany this person for that event....and he always says yes.

He is a father. Although Frodo and Mini-Me don't live with us full time, HB has a full time presence in their lives. He makes getting to every hockey or basketball game a priority. He will work dropping in to just hang out with them into his schedule.

He is a Christian. He is constantly agreeing to provide service to the Christian community to which we belong, or our parish, or just to people we know in general. I have seen him come home, dead tired, come into the house only to go right back out again to help our neighbour move furniture or take care of some other chore.

And right now he's burned out. So, although he is also a husband, our marriage and the things that go along with that are not high on his list. What is high on his list is sitting on the couch and bitching about how much he has to do. And as I've said, they are all very valid complaints.

But as his wife, I feel compelled to help. To change. To fix. And yet, I know that's not what I'm called to do in this case. What I'm called to do is to listen. Just listen. Receive it, and not judge.

I'm failing at that task.

I'm so frustrated with it! Last night I couldn't help myself. I offered about four different solutions (all mine...none his) and he accepted none of them. In fact, he listed two obstacles to each solution that I offered. He got snooty with me when I offered to help with something specific. He snapped "what can you do? Go play lead guitar for me in the studio on Saturday? Teach my classes tomorrow?" which prompted me to storm up the stairs, lock myself in the bathroom and soak in the tub until my skin was wrinkled. We slept, backs turned to each other, all night.

This morning we both apologized. He acknowledged that he could have answered more politely by simply saying if he thought of anything I could help with, I'd be the first to know...and I acknowledged that the more appropriate action for me to take is to listen instead of trying to fix.

But here's the thing that I can't say to him.

His behaviour is pushing every old button that I have from my first miserable just-for-a-minute-by-mistake marriage. I feel like I'm walking right back into that house that I lived in with that asshole I made the mistake with right now. He was depressed at the end of it all as well, and would spend hours sitting on the couch just staring at the wall. I couldn't handle it, and in the end, the marriage ended. Which was not a bad thing, nor was it the reason the marriage ended, but it still pushes those buttons for me.

In fact, even though I know it's a totally unreasonable thought, I'm starting to wonder if I drive men to depression.

I'm Officially Older

It's been a lovely day thus far. I don't even mind getting old on days like today.

HB woke me up this morning by placing a gift on my pillow. It was a book that I've been wanting to read, along with a beautiful card that spoke directly to my heart. With everything that has been going on in our lives, this card talked about how he recognizes everything that I do on a daily basis. Simple words that meant so much.

Then we started on a treasure find, based solely on how predictable I am in the morning. Sad statement that I am that predictable!

First, I get the paper. I open up the bag and out falls another little gift. A plate stand ... very nice.

Then I get the milk out of the fridge for my coffee. Another gift is in the fridge! It's the most beautiful Willow_Tree plaque that immediately set me off crying.

After the coffee, I head upstairs to check email before jumping into the shower. On the keyboard sits yet another book that I've been wanting.

And then when I go to take my shower, I find a gift card for a manicure and pedicure at my favourite spa.

What a morning! More important than all the gifts, because truly, I'm not so much about getting stuff, is the fact that he spent all that time thinking about me and planning this out. I am definitely feeling the love.

I spent the morning at work being taken out for coffee and then lunch. This evening my family is coming into the city and we will all go out for supper to my favourite pasta place. All 11 of us, including Frodo and Mini-Me, who actually asked to join us for my birthday.

Yep. Feeling the love. And loving the feel of it.

Back to School .... Parenting Styles 101

On Tuesday I will have to change the description in my blog title line. I will turn 43. The sad thing is this will be the second time I've changed that number since I began this blog. My first entry was on August 30, 2004 and I was 41 years old. I was wide eyed and still hopeful that I might actually have a chance of conceiving and carrying a child of our own. Almost two years later, I'm really settling into a place of knowing that this will not be the case for me ... for us.

And as I've been saying more frequently of late, I'm also settling into a place of being ok with the fact that this will not be the case for me. I believe that perhaps we are being called to use every ounce of parenting that we have with Frodo and Mini-Me.

Being on the fringe of parenting through my marriage and inheritance of Frodo and Mini-Me has given me an incredible appreciation for the challenge and responsibility of the job. I can remember my mother always saying (usually in a very frustrated voice) "if there was a school I could have attended to learn how to be a parent, I would have been the first in line", and now I know how her words are so true.

Parenting is a massive responsibility. Massive.

Yesterday we went to pick the kids up at their mother's place. HB went into the house to get them while I waited in the driveway. As much as I mostly get along with Knothead, it can get just a little too cozy if I go in to the house as well ... I'll limit my coziness with her to our Saturday mornings at the rink, thank you. Anyhow, 20 minutes later I'm still sitting in the car and there's no movement toward anyone actually exiting the house to join me.

When they finally come out, Mini-Me, who wears his emotions right out there for the world to see, storms silently into the vehicle and harumphs himself into the back seat. Frodo sails out in full people-pleasing mode and promptly moves into what I call his Dory the Nemo-fish mode....flitting here, there and everywhere, forgetting what he just said and smelling suspiciously of suck-up. HB, who has spent the entire drive over lamenting to me about how he believes he is in the beginning stages of burnout at work and has no more energy for anything, joins me in the front seat and simply says "I feel like Dr. Phil....let's go home".

Apparently they were having a 'family' conference in the house, attempting to show both kids that their biological parents were united in dealing with behaviours that have been consuming everyone at both houses of late.

Here's what we're dealing with...and they're not minor things! I have casually mentioned a few times that HB is in recovery. He has been clean and sober for quite a few years now, but none the less, he is a person in recovery who has very addictive behaviours. He is highly aware of them, and is aware that these behaviours can potentially surface in one or both of the kids. He is of the mind that awareness, open discussion and truth are among the keys to healthy living.

Add to this (and I am not saying this in an accusatory way....I'm saying it as someone who has been there herself but got me some program) that Knothead is a controlling, enabling type of person who is drawn to individuals with addictive behaviours. She refuses to believe that she could benefit from any type of program because, quote, she knows more about addiction than she ever cared to learn courtesy of HB, end quote (quote courtesy of a telephone 'conversation' one day not too long ago that was so loud from her end I could hear every word while sitting clear across the room from the phone....). Her preferred method of dealing with the presence of any kind of addictive behaviour is to (a) ignore it or (b) control it through anger until you either change the person (hah!) or the behaviour 'goes away' (read goes underground here).

Then mix in two little boys trying to grow up between two very different homes, with parents who are still feeling some guilt over the dissolution of the kids' home (not about the marriage though....they're both totally over that...thank goodness), one stepmother, and Knothead's boyfriend who also spends a lot of time around the kids.

Before I get into these descriptions of their behaviours, I want to clarify that both of these little guys are amazing creatures. They both have very cool personalities, with lots of neat things going on, and are intelligent, character filled boys. But they have these behaviours that surface, making it easy to forget that this isn't who they are ... parenting skill number one: separate the child from the child's behaviour. Al-Anon lesson for life: disengage with love.

We've got Frodo, who has learned that if you lie, manipulate, cry and stomp, eventually you will get what you're asking for because you will have worn the other person down. I witnessed him slam the back door to the SUV this morning because he couldn't ride in the front seat, then look his father directly in the eye and say "I did NOT slam that door".

Frodo also refuses to sleep alone, meaning that when they are here, HB falls asleep in their room....and yesterday we find out that in fact, yes, he is attempting to disrupt his mother's sleeping pattern as well.

Frodo is also the golden child because he is the athlete, captain of the hockey team, and doesn't have to push himself much in school to get good grades. We all, including a very reluctant Mini-Me, go to the rink at least three times a week to watch his games. Schedules revolve around Frodo's athletic events. Both HB and Knothead cater to him a fair amount as they believe he was so injured during the marriage breakup. When he is caught engaging in the inappropriate behaviour and the parents finally agree that he has to receive a consequence, he turns into Dory. Most often this results in one home or another lightening up the consequence.

Then we have Mini-Me, who at 8 years old weighs almost 125 lbs. He anesthetizes with food. He lays on the couch and attempts to have you serve him breakfast in the living room while he watches television. I have witnessed this child eat three poached eggs, toast, four sausages, four strips of turkey bacon, juice and yogurt in one sitting. He's eight. He gets into basketball clothing on Friday nights and basically stands on the court, yelling, but doesn't actually run to get the ball or anything. He is a whiz at computer and video games, and sometimes chooses to spend his time in front of these instead of getting dressed, or coming up for breakfast or lunch. Recently, instead of fighting with him about it in our home, we have been trying to help him to understand that we will call him to the table once, make sure he has heard us, and then after that it's a choice he is making.

Yesterday he made such a choice, and did not come to the table for the lunch that was prepared. We stuck to our guns, letting him know that he had made a choice, and that there would be no more food until supper. We left for the rink. HB and I were sitting beside Knothead. Mini-Me launched into the "I want a piece of pizza" dance the minute our arses hit the bench to watch the game. This is a very public dance that begins with a slow beat, much like a single drop of rain on your forehead, and builds to a torrential downpour, including real tears. The background beat includes a chorus of "you never feed me! you promised I could have a treat!" with a constant harmony of "but I'm staaaaaaaaaaaarving" for good measure.

I assured his mother that we were, indeed, only feeding him twigs, branches and berries here with an occasional glass of water if he looked parched. She jokingly threatens to report me to social services before recalling that I am social services.

Parenting skill number two: be able to withstand public humiliation when your child's addictive behaviour becomes public. Al-Anon lesson for life: disengage with love.

It would be so easy to give in and get him a piece of pizza. Or continue to stay with Dory while he's falling asleep. In the moment, that makes life in our home easy. But my mind boggles at the ramification that those seemingly minor actions in the moment will have for each child's future.

I get what my mother was saying now. I totally get it. I think that HB and I are lucky in that we have had some 'schooling' through our programs. But holy cow, it's a rough ride and frankly, I'm exhausted. At least we get to split this 50/50 through the week. I'm going to be 43 on Tuesday. I do believe that, even though any child of mine would be perfect and totally well adjusted, I'm too old to start from scratch with a new one.

Size does matter

I jumped on the bandwagon. I love it. Looking at it makes me think of how things, events, people, and moods move in and out of our lives ... having more significance on some days than others. I look at the big words in this cloud. I see some that I want to make smaller, and others that I just want to keep growing bigger and bigger and bigger. I also know that my cloud is different today than it was a year ago. If I'm still blogging one year from now, I hope to be able to create another cloud then to see how my priorities will have changed. Very cool.

The blind can see....

Are you tired of hearing about my dawg yet?

Hope not. Because it looks like he's sticking around for a while! The treatment that our wonderful, magnificent, astounding vet started him on last evening is working. My awesome husband took today off to stay home and give him the medication on the rigorous schedule (every two hours), and it's working!

How do I know?

Well, first of all the doctor told my husband at the follow up visit this morning. Secondly, he ran to the fence when I pulled into the yard, as he always does, and it was evident that he was actually seeing me instead of just responding to my voice.

But the full proof was watching the big guy try to get himself a little Valentine's lurving from Sheba this evening! Yep, my boy is back in the saddle.

Now if only I could find a doctor as awesome as our vet.

Dawg Update #1

The news she may not be so good.

The vet says that there is a blood build up in the eyes, so much so that she's concerned he has detached the retina. She cannot get a read on it with the instruments she has here, and there is no opthamologist in our province. She was going to run basic labs on him this afternoon and then call over to the university in a neighbouring province, where there is a specialist, to discuss treatment options.

She thinks it may have been caused by high blood pressure. When she described the signals, I recognized them as recent behaviours. Increased panting...restlessness at night....we wrote them off to his ears bugging him. He's had goop in his ears that bad that we've had to clean them out almost every night. Damn! I should have taken him in to have her do them weeks ago! Perhaps she would have caught this.

Part of our issue here is that we don't even truly know how old he is. He was a rescue from the SPCA shelter in December 2000, at which time they said he was about two and a half years old. My vet, however, placed him at maybe just a year old. Either way, he's in getting up there for a giant breed.

So now we wait.

Cateracts & Avoidance

I feel like I've been on a downer in my posts of late. I don't know about anyone else, but this blog has saved my butt more times than enough. I come here, get out all the garbage, feel heard (if even only by myself), and then can move on.

The "fight" that HB and I had the other night is probably laughable by most people's standards. We were talking about it yesterday. Our lives together are so good, and we have become so accustomed to having serenity and joy, accompanied by a good dose of massively awesome communication on a daily basis, that even the slightest disagreement feels like a huge fight to us!

That said, it was important that he hear and acknowledge what I was feeling, though. One of the things that I love so much about this man is that once he hears what I'm saying, it's acted upon. I truly am blessed to have a partner like him. Truly. And I do know it, although it may not always reflect in my ranting here. But hey, if I painted him as totally perfect, we'd have to treat this book as a work of fiction. A perfect man? Come on!

We're having a snowstorm here today. Not a bad thing considering that I have, once again, left all of my readings and assignments for both courses until today. So having limited options outside of the house may help. Moving away from this computer may also help.

Now for the downer part of the post:

My beautiful dawg, Barkley (he's the big one on the left), is in a bad way today. His eyes are going. We really noticed it this morning for the first time ... and I can't understand how it came on so quickly. He's been getting the cloudy forewarning sign of cateracts for some time now, but our vet didn't seem to think we needed to worry about it too much. This morning, however, it's as if he's lost his sight. There is a definite film mounting on his left eye. HB took him for a walk and had to bring him back because he kept walking into things. It's Sunday so of course the vet isn't open, but I'm getting on the phone first thing in the morning to take him in to her. He is a clinic favourite and they always respond quickly when we call with an urgent matter related to him.

We have been putting money aside to buy a new bedroom set and redo our master bedroom. I told HB this morning that I'd rather have my dog alive than a bedroom set. One more thing that I love about this man? He totally agreed. So we're putting those funds aside to deal with any necessary surgery costs for our big guy. He's absolutely healthy in every other way, which for a giant breed his age is remarkable. Going without a bedroom set and new curtains is a small price to pay for the love we get in return from this amazing animal.

I know in the context of world problems, and infertility, and all the other sadness that's out there, a dog's health may seem inconsequential. But to me right now, this dawg is my baby. I know that others who firmly place their 'pets' in that category can understand what I'm saying.

One slightly used husband to give away....

You guys are great ... I really appreciate the supportive comments about my brother's death. I have to say that this particular anniversary hit me harder than most of them have for some reason. I've been very focused on mortality of late. It's all a bit morbid really, but I guess it's to be expected as we get older.

And on top of being morbid....I'm quite cranky these days. HB and I just had a fight. Well, what passes as a fight for us. We're very polite with each other actually. I'm pissed at him, and his kids. Yes I said his kids.

We are all way too busy. This life is ripping past us at warp speed. HB is physically incapable, I believe, of saying no to anyone who asks him to do something. Plus he really does need to work out on a regular basis or he gets cranky and tired. The one that he is most incapable of saying no to is Frodo, and that is causing some real problems between us.

He has so much on his plate right now and won't stop saying yes to things. Actually, he had to bow out of our "fight" before it was resolved because he had said yes to our neighbour's request to help move some furniture.

Anyhow, we always have Frodo and Mini-Me on Wednesday nights. In all the years we've been doing that, HB has never gone out to tae kwan do on that night. But last night, when I asked what his plans were for the evening ... really only making conversation so sure was I that the answer was "hanging out here with the kids" ... he surprised me by saying that he was taking Frodo to an 8:30 p.m. tae kwan do class.

Danger Wil Roger...danger! First of all, Frodo is 10 years old and this is a school night. Secondly, Frodo has this brother called Mini-Me who does not go to tae kwan do, is 8 years old and also has school the next day. Thirdly (but obviously least important) there's the wicked step-munster (that would be me) who has been working her ass off in this masters program and had planned to closet herself in the upstairs bedroom to study while HB hung out with his kids.

Silly ass me for making plans! Instead, I got to stay home with the 8 year old, who of course was not going to go to bed before his brother and father got home because that would just be unfair. Now his father had said to just leave him in the living room watching tv while I did my studying. I couldn't do it ... mostly because he would surf and watch every inappropriate show he could find but also because it just didn't seem right to leave an 8 year old, you know, sitting alone in the living room until 10 p.m. on a school night!!!!!

They arrived home at 10 p.m. and I just went upstairs without saying a word. I got up this morning and left before the craziness of tired, cranky kids responding to a tired, cranky father got going.

When I got home today, there's a message from one of HB's bandmates saying they picked up a gig for next Friday night. When I mentioned the message, HB responded with "yeah...he got me on my cell. I told him I'd do it". Now, it's important to note that HB also has a standing meeting on Saturdays that keeps him tied up from about 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. On the weekends that the kids are here, I hang out with them (read "no school work gets done by Sandy on Saturdays" here) and get the pleasure of taking Frodo to his hockey game where I get the further pleasure of sitting with their mother for an hour.

Silly ass me again ... having the nerve to point out that we have the kids that weekend, and then to inquire as to whether he had factored that into his decision.

His response? "I'll get my mother to come stay with them here for a few hours. I don't want the kids to become a resentment to you."

WTF??? That pushed every guilt button I have! But somewhere today I must have found a spine because I didn't pull my usual back down and give in behaviour. And thus the "fight". I had to explain to him that it wasn't the kids that were becoming a resentment to me...it was his assumption that I was their babysitter and that he could just do what he wanted when they were here. I also pointed out that I was pretty sure, as cool as I am and all, that it wasn't me that the kids came here to see on those weekends. And finally, I pointed out that I'm already having to deal with the guilt of being here on the occasional day when his mother arrives to clean our house (which we pay her to do ... it was the only way we could get her to take the money she needed to make her monthly car payment after she lost her little job she had) and that I sure as hell was not going to sit here in my own home, trying to study through the guilt of having my mother in law come babysit the kids.

I'm really feeling at the end of a number of ropes here tonight. Truly. The end of a few ropes. Ever tried to walk on egg shells while carrying the end of your rope?