I have hung up my basal thermometer.
I have stopped waking precisely at 6:00 a.m. to take my temperature.
Does this mean I've stopped trying to conceive? I don't know. Perhaps.
I do know that I feel as if I've chosen to stop obsessing over whether or not my temperature staying high at the end of each month could possibly mean we've accomplished what seems to be the impossible.
I know not everyone that reads here is a Christian, but HB and I have a strong belief in and relationship with the God of our understandings. I have prayed many many times in the last year about our infertility journey.
At first I would pray to be able to conceive.
Then I moved onto being very specific with the wording of my prayer. I would specifically ask to be able to get pregnant with a baby that I would carry to full term. Then I moved even more boldly to full term with a safe delivery. And then, brazen hussy that I am, I began to ask for full term, with a safe delivery, and that the baby would be healthy.
Nothing.
Lately I've just been praying that I be able to recognize and accept God's will for us around parenting.
I was home for a very short time this weekend. On Sunday it became evident that we had not managed to conceive again this month. On Monday morning, I put the themometer away in the bathroom cabinet and came back into the bedroom. I told HB what I had done. He just smiled and hugged me.
I love that man so much. Maybe I'm not meant to carry his baby to a full term safe delivery. Maybe God's will for us is that we are to continue to be each others' best friends, parent Frodo and Mini-Me, rescue and return stray dawgs to their owners, and travel through the rest of this life together.
I could accept that. Your will be done.
7 comments:
Regardless of faith or creed, acceptance is a great thing. By no means does it implicate that you have given up. But I'm certain it makes the whole thing more bearable.
I'm not there yet. Not by far, but someday perhaps.
I'm glad you're moving through this at a pace that works for you.
I've tried the same - giving this (along with the worry and stress) up to God and trying to be ok with whatever happens.
It's hard. And I send you much care and love.
And ... did you find the dog's owner?
Its the not knowing that is the hardest part. If you've given up taking your temperature and that gives you some relief, then its the right thing to do. Thinking of you.
Hey Angela...
Sorry! I should have posted about the return to the happy owners! The dawg (his name was Rocky) spent a comfortable night with me in the spare room. I called Animal Control as soon as they opened, and must have just beat the owner's panicked call in to the same number. Within 10 minutes we were in touch with each other and Rocky was on his way home to very relieved parents!
You are showing such incredible strength. I'm sorry it's come to this for you two. I hope that "letting go and letting G-d"(if that's appropriate) works for you both. It's a tough row to hoe.
I hope you find peace. Sometimes letting go is just what we needed to find ourselves again.
I hope you find peace for you both now, too. Although I'm still desparate to know why you decided against ART or adoption. But if you'd have wanted to share, you would have done so by now, so I'm wishing myself peace on that front.
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