Since you asked

Thalia asked in the last comments why HB and I have chosen not to pursue ART or adoption. I've sent her this response in an email, but then thought I'd post here as well. I've addressed it once or twice through my blog, but usually in snippets, given that I tend to blog as I think. Wouldn't it be scarey to be in my mind?

The reasons are seemingly simple to me, but probably are more complicated at the root. This is a second marriage for both HB and I...and although my first one was only for a minute by mistake, I was involved with the fertility clinic at that time as well.

I had unsuccessful treatments there over the two years that we were involved. I sometimes believe that I tried to play God in my first marriage with all the treatments I underwent trying to conceive. I was so focused on getting pregnant, and having all the trappings that went along with being married ~ trying to force something that wasn't there and was never going to be there ~ that I lost focus on the reality that there would be a child brought into the world should I successfully conceive.

It was an awful marriage to an awful man that ended abruptly before the third anniversary. At the time people were saying "thank God you didn't have children with him". All I could think was "now I'll never have children".

It took me a while to think about it this way, but in hindsight, I believe that God protected me from having children with that man. This prevented another child from being damaged by him. He had two children from a previous marriage that he never saw or even spoke to on the telephone. They were lovely people, but I know that one has been in constant therapy, and the second cannot sustain relationships of any kind now.

All of my treatments and tests at that time indicated that there was no scientific or physical reason I shouldn't be able to conceive.

Four years later I met HB, and finally understood what true love, respect and relationships were all about. And we conceived for the first time in our first year together.

Now here's where the decisions regarding choice of treatment come into play. Every time I have conceived with HB, it's been naturally and without any assistance from medication or treatment.

HB and I both believe that the God of our understanding brought us together and saved our lives. That's a very long story that I won't bore you with right now, largely because it's not all my story to tell. Suffice to say that we have had many examples of direct guidance from the God of our understanding in our lives since we've learned to shut up and listen!

Because of what we've seen happen due to that belief, we've chosen to believe that God has a plan for us around our family and children. Although some might say that we were hypocritical by going for some assistance through the clinic, we aren't above helping out a bit again by accepting medical assistance. We strongly believe that we would be great parents.

We thought long and hard about even going into the clinic for medicated help to conceive this time (one year ago) but were glad that we did. However, before we went in, we had decided that we would not do anything more invasive than medication. I'm going to be 43 in February. We already have two boys through HB and although they're not mine biologically, they're mine from a loved perspective (most days...unless they're little terrors...then I blame that entirely on their mother's gene pool...hehehe). Add to that reality that I became obsessed with trying to conceive and carry before ... we did not want this to become the only focus of our relationship.

So that's why for us, we've made the decision not to pursue ART. As for adoption, it's not about having a family for us ... we have one already with Frodo and Mini-Me. It is about us having a biological child together. I have the greatest respect for adoption. My only brother was adopted into our family, and I'm eternally grateful for his presence in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if there's not something huge going to happen in our lives around the two boys and we'll end up with them here full time.....something that's not totally out of the question!

Having said all of that, should I conceive again naturally, we will be accepting every form of medical treatment possible to help keep the child to full term.

I have learned, through the many blogs that I read, how very personal the decisions required to build a family are for people. Our decisions may not make sense to others, but they work for us. I've had to learn to quiet the voices from the world and listen to the voice in my heart. Had I listened to that voice years ago, I would never have entered that first sham of a marriage, nor would I have done a million other things. I work hard today to listen to the voice within, and to make the kind of decisions it calls me to make daily. HB and I found a little ceramic sign that simply says "Follow Your Heart". It hangs at the bottom of our stairs, so it's the first thing we see when we come down the stairs in the morning.

These decisions feel right. Feels like I'm following my heart.