Eight years ago today, my brother committed suicide. I cannot believe that much time has passed. I am now almost two years older than he was when he forever froze himself at age 42. Sometimes on this day, I feel tremendous sorrow, but today was a day filled with counting my blessings and remembering the good times I had with my brother.
I do feel sorrow at what he has missed though. He would have loved HB...and I hate that he never had the chance to see me truly happy. He also would have loved that his wife finally left the job that caused them so much anguish....and to see how cool his now 16 year old daughter has turned out. He would have been so proud to know that his oldest daughter is in love with an incredible man, and that they have made a beautiful life together. He would have adored Big Dawg, and would be equally in love with the Banana Girl we have now. I miss him, and can't even begin to fathom what it has to be like to be in a place that is so desperate, ending your life is the only viable option.
Hug your family today. Just do it. Love them and keep them close. Savour every moment of your time with them, and if you have petty disagreements, forget them. Move on and get over it. Life is far too short. Join me in counting blessings.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Every Journey Has To End Somewhere
I've posted on a few blogs lately and found myself actually admitting that infertility has kicked my ass and won. It's true.
The fight is over for me. In fact, over to the point that I am now thinking I need to speak to my doctor about preventing pregnancy. Ironic, no?
The fact of the matter is that in a few short weeks I will be turning 44 years old. I have decided that I although I would love to experience pregnancy, I am not sure I'm ready to adapt to having a baby. I know it's a true miracle when a baby actually results from a pregnancy, but the reality is that is always a possible outcome when one does manage to become pregnant.
Even HB has admitted in the last few months that he enjoys his peace and quiet, and the freedom that we have when Frodo and Mini-Me go back to their mother's house.
I know I've said before that I'm done with this journey, but somehow this time, it feels real. I still haven't fully taken the step to connect with the doctor about prevention, but I think I will be doing so soon.
So it's probably time to remove me from your fertility related blogroll. I'll probably continue to blog, but about far more mundane matters. Like the previous post. And since you're obviously hanging on the edge of your seat about my basement declutter outcome, I'll let you know. It's still i
n exactly the same shape. We haven't moved a thing. There. Feel better?
n exactly the same shape. We haven't moved a thing. There. Feel better?I might blog about the loves of my life - my dawgs. In fact, expect that. And I will still obsessively stalk people like Ollie and Julia and Julianna and DinoD and Tiff - all for different yet common reasons. Different in terms of what their current paths are, but common in that these women have inspired, journeyed, cried and laughed with me over the past few years. I'll also regularly haunt people like Cecily and Sarah because I really do want to be their friends in real life and live in awe of their tattoos which I've always been too chicken to get myself.
I also might blog about my new interest in healthy living, and the fact that I've lost almost 30 lbs and 16.6 inches since joining the gym. Count on me regularly talking about my amazing husband and how gobsmacked I remain that we managed to find each other in this big world and so late in our lives, and how eternally grateful for that I remain.
But I suspect my blogging about baby desires are over. It's been a blast.
Friday, January 12, 2007
DeCluttering in the New Year
It's only 12 days into the new year, and yet it seems like Christmas was forever ago! We're back into the routine here at Casa Dawg.
Classes have started again, and both the ones I'm taking this semester seem pretty interesting. They also don't appear to be hugely work laden, and for that I am grateful.
The weight loss journey has slowed down a bit, but there have been no gains. That's good news I guess. I'm still enjoying working out and will be using the six personal fitness coaching sessions that HB bought me for Christmas to keep me going with the coach until the summer. My goal is to be able to join him in competitive paddling this summer. I can actually feel a muscle developing in my leg. It is such a foreign feeling to me that I actually thought it was a knot that needed to be massaged out. I'm enjoying this working out stuff so much that I actually feel I'm letting down the fat girls don't exercise club I've been president of most of my life. Strange sensation this enjoying getting healthy.
We've also been focusing on decluttering the house. I have never in my life known anyone that can collect as much clutter as we do here in Casa Dawg. No, that's not true. Once I helped a friend clean out the home of his elderly grandparents after the grandfather passed away. He had been on the maintenance staff of a local university, and had made it his habit to bring home anything that students left behind when they vacated their dorm rooms. And I do mean anything. There was a basement apartment in their home that was literally stacked floor to ceiling with stuff. Just stuff. Literally stacked - no lying here. There was a path through the stuff to get to the back of the apartment, but you didn't know what all was in there. The same was true for his garage. I swore we were going to find a Studabaker under all the stuff in the garage.
HB is an amazing stuff collector. Prior to moving in here, he had been storing his stuff in one of those rented lockers. On the day of his move here, he arrived quite excited saying "I had a couch! Who knew???" Apparently, there it was, under all the stuff. Quite a nice couch too.
So today, my sister will arrive to take some of our stuff home to her place, to add to her stuff. I'm hell bent that we will not replace this stuff with more stuff. I finally have the rec room in a place where we can have company and not feel embarrassed. HB has promised me that this weekend, he is going to go through the basement and finish tossing out stuff. I'll be away on a girls weekend. We'll see how it goes.
In the meantime, here is the "during" picture of the journey to declutter HB's basement. I really really wish I had taken a before picture. I'm sure you wouldn't believe it!
Classes have started again, and both the ones I'm taking this semester seem pretty interesting. They also don't appear to be hugely work laden, and for that I am grateful.
The weight loss journey has slowed down a bit, but there have been no gains. That's good news I guess. I'm still enjoying working out and will be using the six personal fitness coaching sessions that HB bought me for Christmas to keep me going with the coach until the summer. My goal is to be able to join him in competitive paddling this summer. I can actually feel a muscle developing in my leg. It is such a foreign feeling to me that I actually thought it was a knot that needed to be massaged out. I'm enjoying this working out stuff so much that I actually feel I'm letting down the fat girls don't exercise club I've been president of most of my life. Strange sensation this enjoying getting healthy.
We've also been focusing on decluttering the house. I have never in my life known anyone that can collect as much clutter as we do here in Casa Dawg. No, that's not true. Once I helped a friend clean out the home of his elderly grandparents after the grandfather passed away. He had been on the maintenance staff of a local university, and had made it his habit to bring home anything that students left behind when they vacated their dorm rooms. And I do mean anything. There was a basement apartment in their home that was literally stacked floor to ceiling with stuff. Just stuff. Literally stacked - no lying here. There was a path through the stuff to get to the back of the apartment, but you didn't know what all was in there. The same was true for his garage. I swore we were going to find a Studabaker under all the stuff in the garage.
HB is an amazing stuff collector. Prior to moving in here, he had been storing his stuff in one of those rented lockers. On the day of his move here, he arrived quite excited saying "I had a couch! Who knew???" Apparently, there it was, under all the stuff. Quite a nice couch too.
So today, my sister will arrive to take some of our stuff home to her place, to add to her stuff. I'm hell bent that we will not replace this stuff with more stuff. I finally have the rec room in a place where we can have company and not feel embarrassed. HB has promised me that this weekend, he is going to go through the basement and finish tossing out stuff. I'll be away on a girls weekend. We'll see how it goes.
In the meantime, here is the "during" picture of the journey to declutter HB's basement. I really really wish I had taken a before picture. I'm sure you wouldn't believe it!
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