Thursday, March 23, 2006

Do these pants make my ass look fat?

I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is anymore. As I have been saying more and more of late, it's become obvious to me that I continue to, and always will be, an infertile woman who will not bear children of her own.
Adoption is not in our future. For HB and I, it's not about having children per se, so much as it is about having biological children of our own. There are two children in our lives already.
My life itself is motoring along such that it doesn't seem a blog about it would be of much interest to anyone but me.
Blogging is a funny thing eh? I bet if we did a poll, and really encouraged people to be totally honest with themselves, most would say that although we claim to blog for ourselves, we are all aware that others around the world may read it. And that begins to factor in to what we say, or don't say. And we are aware of comments, or lack thereof. And we wonder if people find us interesting ... and we wish to be part of the 'in' group of bloggers. Right? If you were being really honest with yourself, would that be the case for you?
I know it is for me some days. Not always, but some days. Like today.
Some days, I come here and truly don't give a rat's ass who is reading. I write, dump, vent, get all the crap out of my system so that I can go back downstairs and jump back into the step-mess that goes on in this house at times.
Then there are days when I'm keenly aware that there might be three people out there who actually check in here once in a while. And I worry. Am I really this boring??? In real life, I'm not boring ... or at least I don't think that I am. But in real life, I'm in touch with people for a reason. And I'm not totally consumed with talking about myself all the time. Ok ... sometimes I am, but not always!
In real life, I have conversation with people. Conversation is a two way affair. I ask questions (which I'm told I'm very good at doing ... all those years of being a counsellor pay off at times), and then I get answers. I share common interests with most of the folks that I spend time with - and I have many interests!
And there's the rub. This blog has primarily been about my infertility, my struggle to have a child, my obsession with conceiving. And that's what I have in common with the few people that comment here.
So I'm curious. If you read here on any kind of regular basis (and I know that there are some 40 regular daily visitors by my stat counter - not just google hits), help me out.
How can we have some conversation? Is there something you're curious about in my life that you'd like to hear more about? And what is there about you that I should know? I'm curious! Where are you from? What brought you to this blog in the first place? What keeps you coming back? Are you a step parent? Do you love music? Are you a spiritual person? What do we have in common?
I challenge every reader here to leave a comment - and this isn't a comment beg - it's more about expanding my horizons. Please leave a comment that tells me one thing about you, and challenges me to engage in conversation here.
So yeah, I'm asking the question that's right up there with the "do these pants make my ass look fat" one. How can I spice up this little corner of my world on the internet?
Oh...and by the way....go visit my talented and oh so wickedly charming friend Grins and have some Amer*can Id*l fun with her new blog!

12 comments:

Shinny said...

I will be brave and leave you a comment. ;)
I found your blog via Lola Badeggs. I check in with you daily though and find you very interesting. I also read lots of the IF blogs just to help with my struggle.
I also really enjoy when you discuss the dynamics of your relationship and the step children factor. I have a son of my own so my husband is in the step parent position. My son lives with us, his father is a big fat loser. So that really helps me.
Please don't quit blogging. If you check out my blog, I have been off of the no baby discussion for a while. I know that it helps me having my blog to get out all my nasty thoughts and feelings so that I don't kill my husband and kid. ;) Come over and see my ramblings if you get a chance.
I think that if you just keep posting what is happening on any given day in your life, I will keep stopping by.

Lala said...

I don't check in every day, I use bloglines to tell me you've posted and then I swing by. I keep reading because we have much in common and I enjoy the step parent dynamuc you often write about. Also reading about how much you and your husband love each other in a healthy way and how active you two are makes you seem like one of the more normal people out there. I'll be frank, I'm tired of reading about people's cycles and constant rollercoaster ridea. I like a story of someone who keeps on living, even through the heartbreak. Maybe people just don't want to write about it but you give a well rounded picture of life that suits me, and it comes with a Canadian perspective which I need. Kinda like the CBC, hehehee. Ok, back to bed for me.
And, yes, we'll get there soon!

SWH said...

Ok I'm probably an outlier. I was just feeling unfocused at work and was clicking on links on other people's blogs.

I am rather obsessed with loss/infertility blogs. I lost a baby at term last summer. So I don't really fit into the infertile world, but some of the emotions are similar (pregnant friends issues/lack of innocence about pregnancy/pain/etc). And there seem to be more women writing about infertility than directly about a situation similar to mine.

I get what you mean about wondering who reads your site and who they actually are. So, before i read more of your blog, I thought I'd just say hi. It does seem like there should be a way to get blog world to be a little more meaningful in some way. But i don't know what it is just yet. :)

Tiff said...

I always like posts that stray away from the IFsphere. It gives you a broader sense of the person.
For conversations sake:
What is the one thing in your life that you are proudest of?

Cricket said...

I am a hypocrite. I have a caveat on my blog saying I don't understand the lurking mentality, yet I read you via Bloglines and don't know that I've ever commented.

I am SIF, engaged to a man with a teenaged and very difficult daughter. I have been eager for the step angle, but I feel the pain of IF constantly. We have a lot in common. I haven't gone back to devour your blog, tho, so I don't know all your details. A refresher would be good.

x said...

You know I'm a regular. We have tons in common - Canada, Stepkids, big drooling dawgs and infertility.
I love your posts. I don't talk about my stepkids too much so I like coming over here and reading your posts and leaving some stepkid related comments.

Anonymous said...

I check in daily. I enjoy reading about your marriage and your relationship with your step children. Both which can be difficult. 13 yrs ago I was an infertility patient, I understand your pain of it. But the grace of God and surgery and a year worth of drugs which I hear now can cause cancer I conceived a baby boy. And 6 ms. later by ovaries worked on their own and I had another. Was I SHOCKED!
Keep up the writing!
Focus on what make you happy too!
You sound like a great woman.

Anonymous said...

Well ... you know I found you through rosie's blog. I can't remember what you said that prompted me to check your site, but I've been back almost every day since.

You know I struggle with IF, too, but you also read mine (from some things you've posted on yours) and you know how boring it is most days lol I just post general stuff - IF, work, animals, etc ... Mine wasn't started because of IF, but I now post about the journey in between the boring bits.

I like the little peek into the lives of others that blogs give. And while there is the IF connection, I find you interesting in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with IF - from your relationship with your HB and the boys to the odd word you'll toss out that sends me kareening to other friends for a definition. Lord bless the english language barrier hah

In other words, I'd miss you if you left. And I'd wonder how you were and how things were going.

As for conversation, ask me anything usually works - we ask and you answer .. or you ask and we answer. Those are sometimes fun.

Sandy said...

this is great! I'm meeting people!!!

Tiff: I love the one thing I'm proudest of idea, and will absolutely take care of that in a post. Thank you!

Melissa: Welcome! You don't have a blog link so I can't follow and comment on yours. I love that you've given God some credit, along with the science that helps, in the gift of your boys. I have blogged here about my belief that the two work hand in hand - despite the fact that apparently the use of fertility treatments is against the formal teachings of the Catholic Church. Another blog topic!

Cricket: welcome as well! I am a regular consumer of your blog, although don't always comment there either. I've always been fine with people reading and not commenting. A person could spend her whole day commenting on blogs! (I know...I've done it...hehe)

Again, this wasn't a comment beg, but I am loving meeting people that read and don't always comment. I am also loving the 'conversation' and promise that I will respond in future entries. Keep the thoughts coming!

Lori said...

Hi - I found your blog through the big list of blogs on alittlepregnant.com. I've only been reading your blog for a couple days, searching for other women in the same situation so that I can see that I'm not alone. As more IF bloggers go on to get pregnant, I feel more and more like the kid no one picks for basketball. What interested me with your blog is that we have a few things in common: early 40s, infertility, miscarriage, not going down the adoption route. I'm wondering what to do with my childless life. How do I learn to accept it and enjoy life among the fertile? Everytime someone asks if I have children, I cringe. Soon they'll be asking if I have grandchildren. Society makes so much of motherhood and children.

By the way, my IF blog is ttcjourney.blogspot.com - it's not on my blogger profile because I don't want family to read it.

Mel said...

This is my first time visiting your site, and I feel that same way. I have been blogging for a short while, and it is sad when no one leaves a comment. Is anyone out there??? I add your site to my favorites list to check in and catch up on your story. :)

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through alittlepregnant.com as well...but I read it all the time for your insight on your relationships with your HB and Frodo and Mini-Me, for your humor, because you love dogs...so don't leave, OK?? In fast, when I was looking at the blogroll tonight, for a minute there I didn't see yours and was so bummed when I thought you'd suddenly disappeared!

And if I never heard any Knothead stories again, I'd be really depressed =)