Trying to focus...

I'm back at work today after having 14 straight days where I wasn't involved with anything even remotely work related. Consequently, I've had a hard time refocusing today. I've not accomplished much worth mentioning or worth my paycheque, to be honest. Instead, I've been sitting here in my little cube, bouncing random thoughts and realizations around in my head.

My course materials arrived today. I start both classes on Monday. This program is conducted mostly on-line, with what they call "intensives" at the end of each semester. The intensives are two and a half days long. The course material is all reviewed and then the final exam or assignment carried out. I spent a good chunk of the day reviewing the materials and getting both excited and freaked out. The one course excites me and looks like it's filled with material I'm comfortable with ... and even have some expertise in. The other course completely freaks me out. It's all about financial administration and accountability.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......but a necessary evil. Better to get it out of the way now I guess. I'm reserving the economics course for a few semesters away.

I wonder if I will have the discipline to move through this program and actually complete it. I have a lot riding on this opportunity. But me and computers? I seem to have a form of ADD when it comes to being in front of the computer. I sit down with all good intentions to work, write, research, whatever. Then I think that perhaps I should just check a blog or two....or play just one game of Snood...or my current favourite...Bounce Out. The next thing I know it's after midnight and my work is still sitting undone.

This will not be an option any more. I really do need to get disciplined about it. But I have always worked best under pressure. I can pull off the most amazing pieces of work in one night. I just don't understand why I put that kind of pressure on myself.

Driving to work this morning, I learned of this story. I wanted to throw up. Or cry. The radio announcer, who is usually pretty upbeat, went on about all the people in the world living with infertility, or looking to adopt, and how these animals were allowed to have children. True words...sadly.

I've been moving through the month not really thinking about conceiving or trying, or temping, or anything. It was just over a year ago that I started clomid, and had a positive test on the 10th of January. I presented the test to HB as his 40th birthday gift. He was cautiously delighted, and obviously, I still owe him a present for his 40th birthday. Double damn.

I actually had to look at my blank chart this month to see where I was in my cycle. I guess that's a good thing, right?