I haven't been able to shake this feeling of yuck the last few days. It doesn't help that HB has been behaving like a bear. Cranky, grumpy and just generally hard to tolerate. He has moments of being loveable, but they pass.

The thing that is irritating me the most today is that he got madder at the dawg for digging a hole in the backyard than he did at Frodo - who shot a BB through the basement door window! In my mind, you don't get pissed at a dawg for behaving like a dawg - but you do consequence a kid for behaving like a little thug! But nope, not the golden child. He gets no punishment nor consequence. Which is why he is going to grow up to be just like Knothead - believing that he can simply stand still while the world revolves around him.


Drives me crazy.

She has been after us for more and more money. We voluntarily raised the child support last year (the right thing to do), AND the kids are here about 50% of the time. We gave her an extra $600 to help out with start of the year costs, and we bought some of the kids back to school stuff. We also have expenses here for them - we average about $200 a week in groceries because they are here so frequently, and when they go to school from here, we pay for lunches, book orders, etc. Well, Frodo made the A team in hockey which requires a more significant investment. She hinted that she needs help with that. Over my cold, fat body will that happen!

I'm cranky tonight.

Oh yeah. It was one year ago this weekend that we had our last miscarriage. Maybe that's why we're cranky.

The Return of the Bad Blogger

I am an unbelievably bad blogger! I have been following some of my favourite blogs though, and can't say enough about how happy I am for Ollie and her amazing news! It's bad though, when you're down to one blog post per month. I can remember when I would have to refrain from posting twice in a day!

We've been having some major issues with Frodo and Mini-Me. They turned 12 and 10 this summer, and are truly the products of divorce. I hate to sound like my mother, but I'm going to sound like my mother for a minute when I say that when I was a kid, we'd get our arses kicked for even thinking some of the things these kids do. They are spoiled, abrasive boys with a real sense of entitlement and no sense at all of valuing what they have in this world. It's been a rough summer, and I don't know if we'll survive the adolescent period.

How the hell did I ever think that I could handle a child of my own at my age? I'm trying to picture going through puberty with a kid when I'm in my mid 50's .... yeah .... just can't picture it. Oh how the times have changed. I live in fear of getting pregnant now. Fear I say!

I'll just keep hangin' out with my dawgs, and for the three of you that are still checking in here once in a while, I'm adding some pictures of the most beautiful dawgs in the world for you!

Shifting chairs in the sand

I'm touched that there is still even one person reading this blog! I have to say it kept me sane for a long time. It's hard to believe how long I've had it going - I think this is the biggest commitment I've ever made and kept!

I'm on vacation this week, and it's been grand thus far. Last week HB and I took off for a few days just on our own. We went to the beautiful island of Cape Breton, where we took in some awesome music, toured a historic fortress, ate some really good food, and walked. A lot. And mostly we decompressed. I hadn't realized how stressed I was feeling. I had even lost my voice over the last two weeks. HB finally said to me Friday night, as we sat eating pizza in our hotel room, that he had been beginning to resent my schedule of late. That's something - coming from the man who is so active I get tired even thinking about it! He said how touched he was that I had made the decision earlier that week to get up from my school work and go to a movie with he and Mini-Me. (It was a no-brainer in my mind...come on....Hairspray....John Travolta in a dress....I wasn't missing it!) But his point was made.

So we're committing to checking our commitments with each other before saying yes. Something we've gotten away from in the last few months. And we've also committed to having HB and Sandy time more often. No kids, no dawgs, no cell phones, laptops or work. Just us.

On the being a barren, childless bag side of life - I was hit with a drive-by the other day! Haven't had that happen in quite a while. We were at a paddling regatta, and there was a woman there with her young son. They were having fun, swimming around and watching the races. Another paddler from our team was sitting beside me and suddenly she said "do you have kids of your own?" - the dreaded question - the one I'm never sure how to answer.

Sometimes I take the time to explain that we tried and failed miserably, but that I do consider that I have had at least two kids that didn't make it fully into the world. Other times I answer that we have two boys through HB. And then there are days like this one where I take what feels like the easy way out...in the moment...and just answer with a simple no. Expecting that will end the conversation.

But Ms. Drive-By pressed on, proceeding to tell me just how very lucky and blessed I am to never have had children. How they get on your nerves and are most often little ingrates, and how hers would never come support her at the regattas......and so on.....you get the picture. Then the little guy at the water's edge screeched, underlining her point and giving her room to say "see how lucky you are? Never had to listen to THAT..."

And I wondered if she could see just how desperately we wanted to listen to "that", or to experience the little ingrates that didn't make it into the world.

HB reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. And without saying a word, I knew that he knew.

So we smiled at her, wished her luck in her next race, and moved our chairs to another location. And only shed one single tear.

We have moved on. Mostly.