So...not much is new. I've had a very uneventful week. No bleeding. Minimal spotting. Oh my...the joys of discussing thy inner workings with the internet!
I'm exhausted. Seriously. I'm taking two hour naps when I come home from work. I'm working really hard to eat balanced meals and snacks throughout the day. HB won't let me stretch to put a dish away, nor will he let me pick anything up. If you knew me, you'd know that I don't do the helpless maiden thing well. Either I will get extremely used to this and turn into a huge sow who refuses to do anything but chew, or I will get extremely pissed at this and lift something huge out of revenge.
I did something yesterday that was extremely brave or extremely stupid. (Oh...and apparently pregnancy has reduced my vocabulary...removing all adjectives but the word extremely). Anyhow. I bought maternity clothes.
Stupid? Brave? Hopeful? Not sure. I was at the mall, and found myself brave enough to wander into the store. They had such nice stuff. And this sales chick? I hope she's on commission because she was awesome. I had no intention of even trying anything on, let alone buying anything. Although I had been thinking that it would be nice to get a few things at a time and just put them away.....just in case. Somehow we got into a conversation and I found myself telling her that we were being cautious because of our history. Very tactfully she said they had a full return and refund policy.
I walked out of there with 8 tops and a gift card for $50 off my next purchase.
What the hell am I doing?
And through it all, I'm trying to be happy. But inside, if I'm really really starkly honest, I have this recurring thought that there is really no baby in there. That I'm going to go for the next ultrasound and they will say "ahhhh sac's empty. So sorry." I feel like I have two little creatures on my shoulders .... the evil one on my left shoulder whispering that I'm losing my mind and don't deserve this .... and the beautiful, sweet one on my right shoulder, softly stroking my cheek and telling me that my time has finally come. I just don't know which one will win out.
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5 comments:
Sandy,
You are trying to be positive. That is great buy the clothes and try to enjoy your pregnancy. The refund policy is nice too.
Of course you are frightened.
That is totally normal.
Try to be positive and talk to your baby and tell him/her that you are waiting for it to be here.
I am sending some peaceful and loving thoughts your way~
I remember how scary it was to buy those clothes but hopeful too. I'm glad I wasn't living down here when I was pregnant though, I'm not sure I could have handled how touchy feely and "warm" people are. I couldn't acknowledge that I was pregnant for a loooong time.
You are so brave. I am so very happy that everything is going well for too.
If you want a distraction I tagged you over on my blog. That might keep you "extremely" busy for about a minute. ;)
I think you are being brave and positive. You are having normal thoughts and you won't ever stop worring until you bring that baby home, and even then the worry just changes topics but.... BUT.... at least you are enjoying this pregnancy as much as you can right now. Good for you.
Oh Lordy do I know that fear - going through treatments and trying desperately not to buy baby clothes or items for fear you'll jinx it.
But this is ok! It's scary, but you're there. Buy the shirts and enjoy them. I know it's hard to relax, but it's the best thing you could do for you and the baby.
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