Ollie voiced what I'm sometimes afraid to say out loud. Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.
Ok, so it wasn't that I'm afraid to talk about Robert Plant being a geek out loud. I said that many times.
But that last paragraph? The one where she asks whether she really wants to be a mother anymore? Yep. There it is.
My period is starting today. And I feel a bit relieved. I got a sick feeling in my stomach just even typing those words. It's like I'm being totally disloyal to all my infertile sisters. In fact, to all women in the world. It's like by saying that out loud I'm accepting that it's never going to happen for me.
In 38 days, I will be 43 years of age. I am quite set in my ways. I like my house to be kept in an ordered fashion. I like to go out for dinner when I want to, and to a restaurant of my choosing - not just one that has high chairs. I like to have big dawgs that can drool all over me and romp through my house without worrying that they're creating an unsanitary environment. I like to be able to accept interesting assignments at work that can sometimes take me away for days and weeks at a time. I like to travel to Cuba and get a glorious tan while laying on the beach. I like to lay in bed on Saturdays sometimes and just read a book.
I am quite set in my ways. And I'm selfish. I'm not convinced I want to give up any of these things.
And yet I know I would in an instant if I found myself pregnant. I've already proven that to myself during those times that I have been pregnant. I've just never had to actually live out my brave words of conviction since I've never managed to bring any of those babies, you know, home from the hospital with me.
It's such an uncomfortable place to be - half of me still hoping, wishing and praying for a baby. The other half of me hoping, wishing and praying that I'm moving on.
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And by the way .... I hear that it is (or maybe even was) delurking week. I see all kinds of visitors in my stats, and wonder if you might take a moment to introduce yourself. I'm particularly interested in meeting my fellow Canadians - especially my visitors from right here in the province. This is not a beg for comments ... I'm a big believer that people comment when they feel moved to do so, and I, for one, didn't start this blog to get comments. I started it to maintain my sanity on this journey.
Edited to add: Wow! I just realized how rude that sounded "particularly interested in meeting my fellow Canadians" after reading Cricket's comment that she wasn't Canadian! I sure didn't mean to limit myself to only meeting the Canucks that may read here ... sorry about that! I swear. The Pamprin has gone to my head.
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13 comments:
Maybe it's a stop on the way to full acceptance of the decision you've made to go off the clomid. It's not that you wouldn't change your lifestyle in a heartbeat - I think we all know you would - but that you're starting to see there are positives to a life without children.
I'm sure some will bash me for that, but it's true. There are positives to it even when we don't want to see them. And I think it's a positive sign that you're thinking that way.
*** hugs ***
I think that there must be an unspoken thing in infertileville...because I have been thinking the same thing, so you and Ollie aren't alone.
**Thinking about you**
I am 43 and 4 months. After turning 43, I finally felt without a doubt that SIF is my eternal fate. I realized that the idea that pregnancy and the first 3 years were feeling more like work than joy. After so long, it is an amazing corner to turn. I certainly have backslides, but am beginning to know that what I don't have in me to do, I also don't have in me to follow through on anymore.
I'm not Canadian and have commented before, but 'hello' and visit my place. I am doing contributions for visits through midnight tonight.
Gosh! I didn't mean for you to need a disclaimer! I think I should qualify. I am actually pretty Canadian genealogically. I have lots of grandparents who came from their respective old countries to settle in Nova Scotia and Ontario for a couple generations, then my lines moved down into the States, but not very far.
PS-Thanks for visiting.
Oh heck - it takes so much work to get to where you are at (maybe just accepting yourself and your life as is). You NEVER need to sound the least bit apologetic. If you have any spare time and haven't already read it, go and check out http://barefootand.blogspot.com/2006/01/dear-infertiles.html
(she just says it so much better than I do)
DinoD
I enjoy my easy life too, even though I'm still doing what I can to change it.
If there was a pill that would permanently take away the desire to become a mother in me forever, I would be seriously tempted to take it. But there are no shortcuts in IF.
I am trying to find what province you are from. Thanks for stopping by my blog. It is nice to meet other stepmom's who are waiting for their turn at being a mom.
I'm off to see if you have more pics of your dogs anywhere....
I think the motherhood gene is just that, biological, ingrained, and we suppress it successfully sometimes and other times it rears its ugly head. You will go through times when you are OK about it and times when you aren't, I think that is just our lot in life.
Definately a feeling I have had over the years. The moods & desires fluctuate from month to month...year to year...it must be a part of the whole IF journey. Interesting topic though! I hope you find peace with whatever path you take.
I'm convinced it's part of some evolutionary survival tactic. We've had enough. It's like being kicked so many times before you realize you have to move out of the way so you are out of reach.
Then you start to wonder if it is all REALLY worth it. Mostly, isn't it nice to not worry about shit? To not spend a gajillion dollars on useless piss tests. To not fret over whether your period comes or goes. To be able to spend your bonus check on a drive to some cool location instead of diapers.
But I agree, if I suddenly found out that I was pregnant and it was sticking around, I'm sure my tune would change. Hell, I'd be fucking amazed since I'm on BCPs, but I digress.
You're definitely NOT alone. We're the tired, the childless, the ready to take the assvice and relax for a change.
Delurking - does it count if I'm a Canadian (Montreal) but live in Italy (Turin - Olympic games here we come)?
I'm 44 yrs. and met my husband 8 years ago, moved to Italy to be with him. After 6 years of infertility, failed IUIs, failed IVF, 1 miscarriage from natural conception after lap, only option was DE in another European country or adoption, we opted for adoption. We had to get married (I live in Italy where DE is illegal and only married heteros can adopt) to adopt and are now waiting for a match from Ethiopia.
At some point last year while we were preparing for the adoption, doing interviews etc, my darling husband decided that now would be a good time for DE !! WTF?? He didn't want to go DE when I was still gung-ho, now I can't face it - can't face the needles, the depression that would properly overtake me should DE fail or should I miscarry again.
I can deal with adoption cause it's a sure thing - sooner or later my child will be with me....
ciao
Penguin
I turned 42 in December. Married for first time at age 40. We have been trying since August 05. Fearful it's too late but still hopeful too. Afraid of potential problems, more so as time flies by. I stumbled into your blog while seraching for info about my age etc....I am also a step mom to a 12 year old but we only see her once every 2 weeks. She's great. I still want my own.
Your blog has been a source of comfort for me.
KJM-Washington State, USA
KJM - welcome! Thanks for letting me know that you've received some comfort here ... that gives me comfort! I hear ya on the want one of my own. The guys are here tonight and they keep calling me into their room (avoiding bed time) to tell me things. I love them so much that I can't even imagine what one of our own would be like ...
I hope you keep coming around. And I hope you don't have reason to keep coming around too.
And Penguin (Anna) welcome too!!! I love Montreal and have always wanted to visit Italy. I hope I can find a way to keep up on the developments in your life.
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