I'm thinking about this post by Mare, and the subsequent discussion in her comments regarding whether there are lessons to be learned as a result of infertility.
I was one of the commenters who said, quite honestly, that I've struggled to see what the lesson is in this infertility with which my husband and I live.
I first realized that I was having trouble conceiving in 1994, shortly after I got married for a minute by mistake. When that sham, which didn't even make it to a third anniversary, dissolved, I remember people saying "thank goodness you didn't have children". All I could think of was "now I'll never have children". Now I look back and agree. Thank goodness I didn't have children with that man.
Was there a lesson there? I don't think so. I'm ashamed to say that I'm grateful the treatments I was engaging in at that time didn't work.
Fast forward four years. I meet my best friend and soul mate. He already has two children, the youngest of which was born the year my sham ended. Without even consciously trying, we conceive our son in the first year we are together.
After we lost Brodie, I really did search for the lesson. And found none. I wasn't angry with God, nor did I think I was being punished, but I could find no lesson.
That was 2002. It's been three long years since I realized that in fact I could conceive. We've experienced several early positives that resulted in equally early miscarriages since that first big one. It makes me ashamed to say I don't know exactly how many - I think it's three, but once I started testing early, seeing positives and then getting my "period", I realized that I have had many late and heavy periods that were just like those I now knew to be early miscarriages.
Is there a lesson in all of that? Again, I can't find it.
What I do know is this. I am married to a most amazing man. Despite everything we have travelled through together - and there's been a shitload - my heart flutters when I see him enter a room. He wakes me up with butterfly kisses and giggles. He sends me emails in the middle of the day, sometimes with nothing else in them but the acronym "SHMILY". We read this story about the origin of the word SHMILY somewhere early on in our relationship, and just stole it outright, making it ours. I've had it engraved on his watch, and he's written it on many a note I've found tucked into my luggage when I travel. He is genuinely interested in who I am as a person, and tells me he is proud of me. He supports me and is my biggest cheerleader.
I can't imagine sharing this journey of infertility with anyone but him. He's not afraid to cry about it, but at the same time he's also the first to say he can imagine the rest of his life spent with the two of us not having a child. He rejoices at our positive test results when we have received them, and he holds me on the months that I weep. He shares his two awesome little boys with me, and shows me that we are already a family.
Is there a lesson in that? Yeah. Finally I know that good things can and do happen in my life. My marriage is living proof of that lesson.
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5 comments:
Hi Sandy! I just discovered your blog recently and am enjoying keeping up with you. I also ready your journal to Brodie. I'm so so sorry for your loss :(
I noticed you mentioned you were in the Maritimes (And I saw some postings about your hubby being in PEI!) Where abouts are you from? I'm from PEI but now living in Ottawa!
That is so incredibly moving.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for showing that yes, there are positive lessons that we can take from this nightmare.
The lesson in infertility, for me, has more to do with my spirituality. I've always believed in multiple lives and that we choose our next challenge - lesson - before we arrive. Maybe in another life I had kids I didn't want or appreciate for whatever reason and maybe my lesson is to now want them so desperately that I feel physical pain over it at times. I'm not sure, but I do firmly feel that this was a choice I made myself - not one forced on me by God or the chances of fate.
I've often thought about IF being a test, and failing it, and not being able to find the silver lining in all the disappointment. All I know is that I would not have survived it in the shape I have if it were not for my husband. We are so lucky. We have a similar game - LYLaR - "Love You Like a Rock". He really is my rock.
I don't believe that things happen for a reason, but I do believe that we can take good away from bad things. Not that that good justifies going through the badness, but that the badness is not irredeemable. I'm glad the good bits of your story are shining through right now.
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