I'm beginning to use my blog more like the journal that it is, and it's really so much more helpful to me. That was one huge rant in yesterday's post, but getting it out here probably helped my marriage, as well as my relationship with the kids. Yes, it was a rough weekend but when HB returned from band practice last night, we sat down over dinner and had another one of our heart to hearts.
My mother always used to say that if there was a book written on how to parent, she'd have been first in line to buy it. Today there are tons of 'how to' books out there, and I have read many of them. I am an active participant on step-parent boards. I talk to other blended families in real life. But at the end of the day, there's still no manual. Developing a blended family and establishing my role with Frodo and Mini-Me will be a lifelong process. I'm just such an instant fix queen that I want it done now!
I think the other reality is that I have some real issues mixed into this blending process because of infertility. I tend to have these moments of true resentment and anger over the fact that she was able to give birth and I can't. I don't think she's a purposefully malicious person but she is shallow and self centred enough that she doesn't think through the consequences of her actions. Last night was a case in point. When HB took the kids over to drop them off, she handed him a stack of pictures. She said that Frodo had been cleaning albums out and removed all the pictures of HB so that he could have them at our house. What an amazing 10 year old eh? Cleaning out photo albums. Remember, this is the same 10 year old who still doesn't know how to smooth the duvet out on his bed, or close a drawer without breaking it, but apparently at her house, he cleans out photo albums.
But I digress. Back to the pictures.
What really happened (we think) is that she was cleaning out the albums, getting ready to chuck out all the pictures of HB, when Frodo came in and saw. Of course then she couldn't be the one to chuck them out, but she could send them to our house where we would have to make the decision about what to do with the pictures.
Naturally, being the masochist that I am, I sat and looked through them last night. I really didn't think they would bother me. And for the most part, they didn't. I got a kick out of seeing pictures of HB with the kids in the very early days. I did the bitchy catty thing and commented on how much weight Knothead has gained. I laughed at the bare bum pictures of the boys. We both noted how the smile on HB's face never quite reached his eyes in any of these pictures, and what a difference true happiness can make to a smile.
And then I came across the picture of her, in the hospital bed, holding Frodo and looking exhausted from giving birth, with HB crouching at the head of the bed, looking at the camera.
I felt like the wind had been knocked totally out of me. Seeing such evidence of her success, and knowing that the likelihood of me ever achieving that is so low.
HB just hugged me while I cried. And again we talked about how we need to keep our shit together in order to parent these two awesome creatures, because we are the sane ones in this crazy blended family. Frodo is destined to have some real issues if all the adults in this gang don't pull together.
Perhaps this is where I'm called to parent.
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6 comments:
Oh my God, Sandy! I would have felt the same way! I'm glad DH was there for you. I think there are some things that we will never be able to get past, but you are a great mom to these kids and they are soooo lucky to have you.
Sandy, I'm sorry you are going through yet another rough patch. I would feel resentment and anger and all those things in your situation, I think that's perfectly natural. You are a parent, that's a given. And you are also a wife, and you deserve to have your place in this mix defined and honoured. This is such a complicated issue, you are doing your best.
Awww...Come here for a little hug you! Really, that's raw stuff.
The ex factor is always a toughy, but in your situation it has an added degree of difficulty. I can only imagine how painful it was for you to look at those pictures. I totally understand why you felt floored. It's wonderful that your hubby can understand your emotions & it must feel good to know that YOU are the woman he chooses to take in his arms. He's a lucky bugger.
You are just awesome and amazing and everything other wonderful adjective.
You handled the pictures much better than I ever could.
Hang in there.
Your family is very lucky to have you in their lives.
Sorry you've been having such a hard time. Seems to me parenting is incredibly hard, and step-parenting even more so. Just keep doing what you're doing - it's not going to be easy but you're doing it with love, and HB and the kids know that.
My 2nd husband and I blended his kids, which he had custody of, and my son, which I had custody of. The three kids are 19, 22, 23. We had issues w/infertility, took 3 years and we now have a 7 year old little boy. It was and is the most difficult undertaking of a life time. It was and is not easy.
By the grace of God, we have been somewhat successful, but made many mistakes along the way. When I say the grace of God, I mean just that. I don't know what you believe in, but you will never do this on your own and feel great about it, even with God's help, I had issues to work through, and am still working through things as we speak.
We've been married 13 years in March. Dated for 2 years. His ex was and is a NIGHTMARE. She accused me of all sorts of things, which were not true. She hurt her own kids, which is hard for me to understand how a "loving" mother could do such things.
After the first 6 months we were married, I left the house, cried, felt sorry for myself and found my mom who was eating lunch at a resturant in town. I went in to find her, bawling all the way, and she sat there staring at me wondering if someone died.
I told her I couldn't take it anymore and was done. She looked at me and said she was ashamed of me for giving these little kids hope, then running out on them....said she thought I had more "moxy" than to take off when things got rough. Needless to say, I was humiliated and ashamed of my selfishness.
Hang in there, I'll check back with you and you are more than welcome to email me anytime. I would love to be a support for you.
God bless and keep you.
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