Ever hear that kid's song that goes "I am slowly going crazy....crazy going slowly am I..."? That is what I feel like of late.
HB and I did have a great talk the other night. Right after I posted the vent actually. As always, he listened to me as I had my meltdown ... and loved me. We had a great evening out together last night.
Then for some reason this morning, I decided to upset the apple cart again. I slipped back into this old behaviour that I used to engage in during my last 'relationship' (yes, those are air quotes but that guy didn't even deserve this space it would take to do proper double air quotes). I should preface this by saying that pretty much every guy I've ever gone out with, has cheated on me at some point. I can't seem to get past my own assumption that at some point, the same will be true in my marriage. And so I'm tarring and feathering HB with the same brush that others actually deserved. We had a discussion that didn't end well.
And then he got up and left the room. Before leaving the house, he stood at the bottom of the stairs, while I sat on them crying, and explained to me that my accusation and behaviour cut him very deeply...that he loved me...that he was married to me...and that he had never done anything to break my trust, so why was I treating him in the same manner that I had treated Arsehole (our name for my last mistake). Then he left the house, and I remained on those stairs bawling and sobbing.
What the hell is wrong with me???? I know in my heart that he is not having any kind of affair, and yet I'm behaving like he is. I know that I've had a lot going on with work, the infertility thing and all the other shit that we all live with, but holy cow...where is my mind? The one thing and person that I can count on, and I'm hell bent on destroying him and us.
I need to say here that he is in no way acting out of character or guilty at all. I know him very well, and making that call would be in character for him to do - remember, this is a very christian man that cares about people that I am married to.
Edited to add: we've spent the evening talking, and all is well. I've got my head back on straight ... too bad he's married to a psycho woman .... but love me he does.
Anyhow, I had to leave the house to go to work, and the first thing on my agenda was a meeting with the most senior staff person in my department. The intent was for me to end my placement but that didn't happen - she has indicated that she not only doesn't want to end it, she wants it to continue for the rest of the fiscal year and perhaps even beyond. To my great horror and embarrassment, I cried while in her office. I cannot believe that I did that.
Then I had to leave that meeting and race to the Fertility Clinic for my scheduled appointment there. Here's how that went:
- six months on clomid; one positive hpt that ended in miscarriage
- no other tests that can be done as I've had the tube test, laperscopy, etc.
- positives? my fsh is 5.2 so that's good, and I ovulate
- amazingly my blood pressure was, to quote the nurse, like that of a school girl
Bottom line? The doctor gave me some information on controlled ovarian hyperstimulation and IUI, but she doesn't think it's going to increase our chances. Nor does she recommend IVF as a course of action at my age. She thinks I should continue the clomid, only every second month, and see what happens.
I said, "oh...so it's the 'just relax' course of treatment is it?" to which she replied that we should absolutely NOT relax but that there really was no need to return to see her.
The only other time I have ever felt this out of personal control was after my brother died. At that time, I described it as having a huge ball of rubber bands in my gut, and if I tweaked even just one, the whole ball would explode and I'd never get it back under control.
I am slowly going crazy .... crazy going slowly am I.....
Anyone else ever lost their mind, marriage and job all due to infertility?
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3 comments:
Let me just say this loud and clear ...
YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR!
Really ... I haven't been reading your blog too long and I'm sure I don't know all there is to know about your personal medical diagnosis ... but to me it sounds as though even your doctor may not know!
I mean ... sending you home with an RX for 10 months of clomid and then pretty well shrugging and saying "good luck with that" and then sending you home is fairly s****y.
There is so much more out there than IUI and clomid - like glucophage! There's shots! There's other types of pills!
Don't give up on a baby. But DO give up on that doctor.
*gets off her soapbox*
You're not going crazy, you're totally normal. Sadly, I do the same thing to my husband on occasion for the same reasons.
This shit hurts every aspect of our lives. You're sadness and frustration come out everywhere, and it isn't always apporpriate. I've lost it at work, while out with friends, and directly at my husband more times than I can count.
It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. But the people that love us understand that.
Take it day by day. And hopefully things will get better soon, for all of us.
Am also a bit stunned about the "no IVF" point. Why? It's a probability thing. Your chance of conception in any one month is about 8%. With IUI it's about 10-12%, with IVF it's about 20-25% (am taking the nos I've seen and reducing for the small age gap between us) - why wouldn't you take that increased chance?
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