Exit Stage Left

I think that one of the most challenging things about step-parenting for me is defining my role in the blended family. Admittedly, this week has been a stressful one all the way around, between starting a new cycle, the bs at work, and HB's hectic schedule. Just to add to the pleasure, we decided to throw some dysfunctional family behaviour at ourselves too.

Blended family is an interesting term. It really applies more to those people who are bringing two sets of kids together. Well, in my case, I bring myself. No kids. Dawgs, but no kids. So I'm being asked to blend into a family, and HB often finds himself caught in the middle.

For the past few weeks, all of the adults in this 'family' situation have been busy. And of course when adults are busy, kids get shuffled. So Frodo and Mini-Me have been shuffling back and forth between their two homes. There is more of a relaxed atmosphere here in our home and they have a lot of friends that live right in the neighbourhood, so they like to be here frequently. But because they are only here with us 1 or 2 nights a week, plus supposedly every second weekend, we struggle with maintaining our routine while they're here. Often we stop everything to revolve around them, and I guess with everything else that was going on with me this week, this iced the cake for me.

This was not supposed to be our weekend with the kids, so HB and I had made plans to attend a weekend workshop together on Friday and Saturday. This is one of the few groups that we belong to together, and we find that it's very life giving to us individually and as a couple.

The reason for the fight? Once again, HB and Knothead had decided to alter plans that HB and I had made, and of course I wasn't provided with the opportunity to have input, after all, it was in the "best interest of the children" to come here and spend time with their dad this weekend.

Bullshit. It was in the best interest of Knothead, whose boyfriend was returning this weekend and who wanted some alone time. And HB played right into her use of the "best interest" clause.

The workshop that we had planned to attend was part of the Cursillo Community we both belong to and so, ironically enough, we ended up fighting over attending a Christian activity together. Nice.

HB and I ended up going almost 24 full hours without speaking a civil word to each other. I dug my heels in, determined that I was not going to speak to him until he crawled back to me, clutching his heart in his hand whilst kissing my feet and declaring his complete and utter remorse for his incredible stupidity and just plain maleness of ways.

He is such an amazing father. He truly does put the best interest of Frodo and Mini-Me first. I've learned so much about unconditional love by watching him with his two boys. But what of me? Was I being childish to expect that somewhere in there my interest has weight too? And I'm just insecure enough to worry about the pressure that this puts on HB ~ this being caught in the middle between the children, me and Knothead.

So I stewed and huffed and puffed, and trotted out every dysfunctional behaviour I haven't seen nor used in years. My performance began on Thursday night and engaged in encore presentations all day Friday. It was a performace worthy of an Oscar. Even HB had to admit that he hasn't watched drama like that in years.

We worked it all out in the end ... as we always do ... but man, I learned some lessons through it all:

• it's hard to return comfortably to dysfunctional behaviours after they have been packed away and replaced by healthy behaviours, but with the right amount of focus and practice, you can do it
• waterproof eyeliner and mascara are simply advertising ploys
• eating potato chips and two chocolate bars in the middle of the afternoon out of spite and anger just makes me bloat and does nothing for the spite or anger
• my husband is really kind of lousy at reading those outward "tell the woman you're sorry for God's sake" signs such as frequent and heavy sighs ... storming from the room upon his entrance ... ignoring his phone calls on my cell .... slamming of various household doors ....
• if you work hard enough at communicating with each other honestly and openly, you can reach a compromise that works for all parties involved.

Which is what we ended up doing. We attended part of the workshop this weekend together by making arrangements for the kids for a few hours on Saturday.

The ultimate lesson? This blended family stuff is hard, but worth it in the end. As the four of us sat together in the movie theatre last night, laughing our butts off at the antics of the Madagascar crew, and I felt HB's hand sneak into mine, my heart welled over. I think I'll forego any future Oscar nominations and stick with the boring old heart to heart talks with my amazing husband.