How I Spent My Day Off

Today was an example of how important having a sense of humour is in this big game of infertility.

We had made the decision that today would be "the day of the semen sample drop off". It was a big deal for my husband! First, the concept of abstaining for three full days was almost incomprehensible to him. The whole deal actually required careful planning and orchestration as we live about 35 minutes from the hospital on a good traffic day, and the drop off could only happen between 8:00 and 8:45 a.m. Because of our work schedules, I was given the responsibility of actually making the drop off.

When the doctor at the clinic gave us the requisition, on a lovely robin's egg blue sheet, she told us that they were having some trouble with the lab. It seems that the lab at the Women's Hospital is presently closed because it is moving so they had made arrangements with the general hospital to have the tests conducted at their lab.

Because of this, she suggested that we call the lab at the general hospital a few days prior to taking the sample in. My husband made the call on Tuesday and got all the information we needed to be good to go for Operation Semendrop this morning. They gave very specific instructions about writing the time of "sample collection" on the pretty blue sheet, ensuring that we kept it at body temperature and ideally dropping it off within one hour of collection.

And oh, did I mention that today is my one day off before the holidays?

So we get up this morning, and walk through the timing required to carry this off. I had printed off the directions and even a picture of the building I needed to go to because one thing I have become relatively famous for is getting lost in my own house. I am definitely directionally challenged.

We have the precision timing down. He goes into the bathroom to collect the specimen while I go out and start the vehicle so it won't be too cold. He comes out with the deed done, and places the "required sterile container" in a brown paper bag. I already have the lovely blue requisition in my purse. We meet in the front hall, kiss and he passes off the bag to me ~ it was a perfectly timed relay race.

I oh so wittily toss over my shoulder as I leave at 7:45 a.m. "gee, hope I don't pull a Wil and Grace thing here and bang into a pole, knocking myself out" (remember that episode?) and jump into the heated vehicle.

Traffic cooperates, and even though I drove the whole way with the bag cradled carefully between my thighs to ensure the temperature was right, I arrive at the alternate lab at precisely 8:30 a.m. Fifteen minutes to spare! I park at a meter, plug some money in, and present myself and my package to the "specimen drop off counter".

At which time the tech looks at me and my blue form and says:
"We don't accept blue reqs here."

Now knowing that she is obviously incorrect and down a quart of caffeine, I smile and say "oh no, we called. We were told to bring it here", and hold out the bag for her to take.

Again she says:
"We do NOT accept blue reqs here".

To which I say, ever so sweetly, "but excuse me...it's just a piece of coloured paper. Isn't it really the contents of this bag that you need to do the work on?"

She sees that I'm not getting it. So she calls her supervisor on the phone.
"Hello? Do we accept blue reqs here? "
and then I hear
"well, you better come tell her because she's about ready to lose it".

She comes back to the counter and tells me that her supervisor is coming out to speak to me. I look at my watch and notice that the first hour is almost up.

The supervisor comes out, and in the hallway with a fair amount of pedestrian traffic, explains to me that the INFERTILITY clinic has made a mistake, and that the INFERTILITY doctor should never have told us to bring our SPERM sample to this lab. She tells me that I will have to take the SPERM sample over to another lab in another hospital and they will test it there. She says that my doctor at the INFERTILITY clinic made a mistake.

And then she makes her fatal mistake. She says:
"I know how you feel"
as she reaches to pat my arm.

I am not known for being very assertive, and definitely not known for getting angry, but with every thing I had in me, I looked this woman in the eye and through my clenched teeth told her that she most definitely did not know how I felt.

Then with every ounce of dignity I could muster up, I took my bag full of sperm, turned on my heel and left.

I make my way over two blocks to the hospital that houses the lab she has sent me to, find parking, and rush into this new lab. Again clutching my brown paper bag and pretty blue requisition form. Three women are standing behind this "specimen drop off" counter. I smile, hold out the bag and the pretty blue paper. A look of horror crosses all three faces, and I realize that my husband's sperm is about to be rejected yet again.

So I did the only thing I could do. I began to cry. Standing there in the hallway of the laboratory, holding a bag full of sperm and bawling. One of the three techs took pity on me. She explained that I had to take the sample up to the 6th floor in the adjoining hospital which is where they have a lab that does "this kind of analysis" and tells me to come with her...she'll take me up there herself.

Which she does. We get off the elevator and walk right up to the counter.

Of the Fertility Clinic that had made the referral in the first place.

I handed the sample to the woman behind the desk at 9:30 a.m. and told her to throw it in the garbage.

And then I went shopping.