I love this man!

Thank goodness for this blog! I swear it's what's going to keep my marriage healthy. I can come here, vent, get my thoughts and frustrations out and then go back into whatever the situation is composed.

We are going to be just fine. And thanks for all the support guys. As usual, Sarah was bang on in her comments. He is getting ready to make some changes. High on the list of changes is the place at which our marriage sits in his order of priorities. Believe it or not, that's where he was headed all the time ... we just have different ways of communicating about it with each other.

I think what happens for both of us is that we are so accustomed to serenity and peace these days, that when a blip appears on the serenity radar now and doesn't get handled right away, it appears to become a mountain. Back in the day, we were both so accustomed to traversing mountain peaks and valleys. Didn't feel like we were living if we didn't climb at least one mountain per day to plummet down into the depths of the valley! We wouldn't even have thought of staying put on the plains for a day ... where was the excitement in that??? Now...we love us them plains. We have erected a home on the plains, and put down roots. So when a dip in the plain appears, it confuses us.

We went to our regular community meeting on Wednesday night, and the speaker that night was obviously meant to speak directly to us! Love it when that happens. It's not so much what she said (she was telling her story) but rather that for both of us, we had this lightbulb moment. We weren't sitting together as we usually do at these meetings. HB was several rows behind me but we both had the moment at the same time.

We understood how far down we had been in our past, and from where we had been picked up. And as HB said when he spoke, he understood that the things he was looking at today as obstacles....obligations....irritants....were the very things he had lost at one point. Family, friends, jobs, community, status, respect, love.

We went home and had that overdue heart to heart. I told him about the buttons that had been pushed and how I had been beating myself up over my need to fix reaction. I also had to admit to feeling a bit of guilt, because when that 'just for a minute by mistake' guy was going through the depression, I didn't feel the need to fix. I just felt the frustration of being inconvenienced. As much as I hate to compare HB to that one, in moments like that there is good that comes out of such a comparison. I understand that I am truly and absolutely, sincerely in love with and loved back by this awesome man. That love is further evidenced in that we are both so willing to take the action that is needed to make our lives together the best that it can possibly be.

Let's just say that we're not sleeping with our backs to each other any longer. 'Nuff said.

Poor poor pitiful me

You know I love my husband. You only have to read the many posts around our marriage to understand how very much I love him. But right now I'm struggling. A lot.

HB is depressed. He told me last weekend that he believes he is burning out. He is beyond busy, that's for sure. He is a music teacher and has responsibility for two schools. That means double everything - two choirs, two bands, two musicals, two concerts....not to mention double the classload and having to remember over 600 students. It's a lot. Plus the board that he works for is, as most boards are, severely underfunded and the decisions made with what funding they do have are probably questionable. The schools can't afford class sets of materials for his program, so he spends any free time during the day that he does have at the photocopier.

And that's just his job. In addition to this, he has about several other interest areas outside of work.

He is an athlete who needs to have a work out or run as part of his day.

He is a musician. He plays in one band that has regular gigs and also practices every Sunday afternoon. Besides that band, he is in high demand as a musician for just about anything that's going on in our local community. People are always asking him if he will sit in on this production, that concert, accompany this person for that event....and he always says yes.

He is a father. Although Frodo and Mini-Me don't live with us full time, HB has a full time presence in their lives. He makes getting to every hockey or basketball game a priority. He will work dropping in to just hang out with them into his schedule.

He is a Christian. He is constantly agreeing to provide service to the Christian community to which we belong, or our parish, or just to people we know in general. I have seen him come home, dead tired, come into the house only to go right back out again to help our neighbour move furniture or take care of some other chore.

And right now he's burned out. So, although he is also a husband, our marriage and the things that go along with that are not high on his list. What is high on his list is sitting on the couch and bitching about how much he has to do. And as I've said, they are all very valid complaints.

But as his wife, I feel compelled to help. To change. To fix. And yet, I know that's not what I'm called to do in this case. What I'm called to do is to listen. Just listen. Receive it, and not judge.

I'm failing at that task.

I'm so frustrated with it! Last night I couldn't help myself. I offered about four different solutions (all mine...none his) and he accepted none of them. In fact, he listed two obstacles to each solution that I offered. He got snooty with me when I offered to help with something specific. He snapped "what can you do? Go play lead guitar for me in the studio on Saturday? Teach my classes tomorrow?" which prompted me to storm up the stairs, lock myself in the bathroom and soak in the tub until my skin was wrinkled. We slept, backs turned to each other, all night.

This morning we both apologized. He acknowledged that he could have answered more politely by simply saying if he thought of anything I could help with, I'd be the first to know...and I acknowledged that the more appropriate action for me to take is to listen instead of trying to fix.

But here's the thing that I can't say to him.

His behaviour is pushing every old button that I have from my first miserable just-for-a-minute-by-mistake marriage. I feel like I'm walking right back into that house that I lived in with that asshole I made the mistake with right now. He was depressed at the end of it all as well, and would spend hours sitting on the couch just staring at the wall. I couldn't handle it, and in the end, the marriage ended. Which was not a bad thing, nor was it the reason the marriage ended, but it still pushes those buttons for me.

In fact, even though I know it's a totally unreasonable thought, I'm starting to wonder if I drive men to depression.

I'm Officially Older

It's been a lovely day thus far. I don't even mind getting old on days like today.

HB woke me up this morning by placing a gift on my pillow. It was a book that I've been wanting to read, along with a beautiful card that spoke directly to my heart. With everything that has been going on in our lives, this card talked about how he recognizes everything that I do on a daily basis. Simple words that meant so much.

Then we started on a treasure find, based solely on how predictable I am in the morning. Sad statement that I am that predictable!

First, I get the paper. I open up the bag and out falls another little gift. A plate stand ... very nice.

Then I get the milk out of the fridge for my coffee. Another gift is in the fridge! It's the most beautiful Willow_Tree plaque that immediately set me off crying.

After the coffee, I head upstairs to check email before jumping into the shower. On the keyboard sits yet another book that I've been wanting.

And then when I go to take my shower, I find a gift card for a manicure and pedicure at my favourite spa.

What a morning! More important than all the gifts, because truly, I'm not so much about getting stuff, is the fact that he spent all that time thinking about me and planning this out. I am definitely feeling the love.

I spent the morning at work being taken out for coffee and then lunch. This evening my family is coming into the city and we will all go out for supper to my favourite pasta place. All 11 of us, including Frodo and Mini-Me, who actually asked to join us for my birthday.

Yep. Feeling the love. And loving the feel of it.