I'm a Masochist

It's 10:30 a.m. here. HB just called and he's on his way home!!! It's a 13 hour drive and they've been going for about 2 hours, so not long now.

Ok be honest - is there anyone else out there watching the inevitable Labour Day Baby Story marathon today? I don't know why I do it every year, but I do. Sit, watch and cry. And wish. What amazes me is how perfect these families always appear to be on this show - doing all this cutesy stuff like stuffing bears, and having family bbqs. Relatives that they haven't seen in years showing up with gifts and speaking so positively about how awesome the couple is as parents. Oh Lord, even the doctor delivering the baby in this one is pregnant!

My life on Baby Story??

They interview my relatives, who admit that they don't really know my husband's name, nor those of my stepchildren. They are not able to speak to the preciousness of this tv pregnancy because they aren't aware of how much we've struggled. The tv crew comes in to interview HB and I, but can't find us because we're hiding in the house. I'm hiding under the covers in our bedroom, afraid to move because we've actually progressed to a stage where there just might actually be a baby at the end of the trip. HB is chasing Frodo and Mini-Me around the house trying to get them to simultaneously clean up their mess and be quiet ~ two things we've never managed to accomplish.

And if I could ever get to the labour and delivery stage, I can't even begin to imagine that I would handle it with the grace and calmness with which these women appear to deliver.

No matter. This is probably the closest I'm going to get to having a baby.

Sweaters, Smoking and Dawg Sitting

This has been the longest long weekend! With HB a gazillion miles away, and no kids around, even the dawgs have been low key. Even most of my neighbours have gone away for the weekend, which has made the street, which of late has been a zoo, tranquil and quiet. As a matter of fact, this morning I am the official dog watcher for two of my neighbours. I've already lost one dog, and stepped in poop twice.

I connected with a girlfriend whom I haven't seen in a few months, which was nice. I cleaned out our bedroom closet and got three bags of clothing picked up by Big Brothers/Big Sisters. HB's Mr.Rogers sweaters went in the bags. For a cool guy, he's got some wonky taste in certain things ~ I'm going to choose to believe that Knothead bought those sweaters for him. No matter, they're history now.

But mostly I battled my mind about smoking. I got it into my head that I wanted a cigarette this weekend. No, not just "a" cigarette. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to sit on my back deck, in this perfect weather, watch the stars and smoke. And I wanted it to taste good, not affect my breathing, or make me stink. Geeze ~ I'm starting to see how unrealistic I am about so many things. I want to conceive and have the pregnancy stick around. I want to lose 40 or 50 lbs. I want to get promoted at work. And I want to be able to smoke with no ill effects.

I'm ashamed to say that I gave in. Twice. On Friday I went to the store and bought a little pack. I got home, lit up and took three drags before I thought "what the hell am I doing?". I butted it out, and proceeded to break up and throw out every one of the remaining 19 smokes.

And that was fine. Until yesterday after supper. Off I go again to the store, and buy another small pack. I sat on the deck, in this perfect weather, enjoying the quiet and smoked three this time.

And I stunk. And I felt a tightness in my throat almost right away. So I tore up the remaining 17 and threw them out too.

So I spent $20 for 4 cigarettes. But worse, I gave in to a head game and almost let it win! I'm in that two week waiting period, so who the hell knows? After all my whining, I could be pregnant...not likely...but why did I take the chance? I forced myself to go on line and google about smoking until I could find something to motivate me. And what I found wasn't pretty. I found this . I have printed it off and am going to keep it with me, to remember the poor man, but also to remind myself that it could be me.

That's it. HB is not allowed to go away any more. I'm too immature to stay on my own!

Filled Up Yet Broken Hearted

Sometimes you are given just exactly what you need, when you need it. Last night was one of those nights. I did indeed speak. And I spoke honestly about what's been going on in my life of late. After I spoke, the general practice is that people who are there get up and speak - either about something that they've heard that they were touched by, or they might share something that's been going on with them through the last month.

I've been going to these gatherings since 1986, and I've never been the speaker. Last night, the folks that got up after I spoke literally filled me up. They each spoke directly to my heart, and for someone who has been really questioning her worth of late, that heart needed to be spoken to! I was fed and filled.

This morning I had an excellent meeting related to the project I am working on. I happened to bump into the person that I report to, and with whom I've been having some challenges. I mentioned in passing about the excellent meeting, and she said "you must have done a great job on the presentation for that meeting to go so well".

You could have knocked me over. This woman just does NOT give praise.

My heart is breaking for the people hit by the hurricane. I'm just completely baffled by the slowness of response by the federal government. I can't help but wonder whether the fact that most of the people affected are poor and largely non-white is impacting it or not. What is our world coming to when we're more concerned with stopping looters than we are with rescuing, feeding and housing our brothers and sisters? My heart is breaking for these people, and I feel so damn helpless all the way up here. I heard on the news today that our Prime Minister called Bush to offer aid, and it was politely refused as there is "no need for international aid" at this time. Excuse me? Unless what I'm seeing on the television is totally out of whack...you take the aid that is offered.

I feel like all I can do is pray.