Out Damn Spot

Damn that bag of dirt Hope!

I had allowed Hope in this month. My temps have been staying high, and in fact increased this morning. Today or tomorrow would be reasonable test days.

But now I'm spotting.

And that damn bag of dirt is still there ... whispering ... in that nasty voice ... "maybe it's implantation spotting....just maybe...."

But maybe not.

Up At Sparrow's Fart

I just censored myself.

I had a very long entry up regarding our childrens' mother and her recent behaviour. That entry had a place and a function, but it's not needed anymore. I needed to vent and get it out the night I wrote it so I could move on and be rational when we had to deal with her the next day.

It seems to have worked. She's still completely out of her mind with anger, but we're not, thankfully. Both HB and I were commenting yesterday about how ugly that feels, and how commonplace that feeling was for both of us in our past marriages. I saw a book title yesterday that said "God Never Wastes A Hurt", and it made me reflect on how sometimes we need to revisit the ugly to be reminded of the good and beautiful.

Anyhow ... it's a new day! I'm up, to use my new favourite quote courtesy of Thalia , at "sparrow's fart" today for some reason. The last week I've been waking at 5:30 a.m. daily, needing to use the washroom. Oh gawd, I'm getting old!

I'm going to try to hang in until Monday before testing. Starting to see some signs that it might not be this month though.

Hateful Hope

Apparently I still ovulate without medication, so that's good news. Now I'm in that nasty wait space ~ and being somewhat obsessive about my temps. It doesn't help that I'm waking up every morning at 5 a.m. to go to the bathroom, so end up in the struggle of when to temp ~ at 5 a.m. before I get up, or at 6:30/7:00 when I really get up out of bed? Yesterday I decided to wait and then, of course, because I had been up at 5 a.m., I didn't wake up until almost 7:45 so the time was really out of whack.

I don't know why, but I'm allowing hope to creep in this month. I have a few promising symptoms, but of course those same signs are often the forerunner of another failed cycle.

Freaking hope. I hate that I can't welcome it!

Serenity at the Wal-Mart

This has been an awesome week. I think I know what it might feel like to be financially independent enough not to have to go outside the house to work. I have risen daily at my usual 6:30 a.m., read the paper on the deck while having coffee. Cooked a healthy breakfast every day (wow!) and then packed up to go the lake. The kids paddle every morning for an hour and a half, and then again for another hour in the afternoon. HB works out while they're paddling, and me? Well, I am officially on my second trashy novel of the summer.

I feel rested and serene. Today HB and I were driving to the Wal-Mart, and I looked over at him while he was driving and experienced what we refer to as a "love burst". It's that moment where my heart just about bursts open, and I can't believe how much I love this man. We were walking through the mall, which was crawling with pregnant women and newborn babies ... well, the babies and preggo women weren't literally crawling, but you know what I mean ... when he reached over, took my hand, and bringing it to his lips to kiss it, said "we're already awesome parents ... maybe that's enough eh?"

I am blessed.

One little...two little..no little eggies

It would appear that I am possibly not ovulating this month. This is the month that I went without clomid because I stupidly didn't fill the prescription, and took off to Ontario where I promptly started my period. It just got too complicated to fill it, and I decided to let this month just "be". I was kind of curious to see if I would ovulate without help. My chart would have me believe that I have not yet ovulated.

On the upside, we've been having the most amazing time off together. On the off chance that I have ovulated on any of the days so far this month, I believe we've engaged each other appropriately and not even for the sole goal of baby~ making. We've been getting back to getting to know each other again, and in my heart, I know that if we never manage to have a child together, we're going to make it anyhow.

Oh cripes. I feel like Mary Tyler Moore now. Excuse me while I go fling my hat in the air.

Vacation lull - updated

I'm officially on vacation. One whole month. Well, one whole month less three days now. I'm loving it.

Yesterday we did a real family thing. We took the kids, piled into the vehicle, and went to the zoo . I've been wanting to go to this zoo for years, and never had an excuse to do so. Turns out that HB and Knothead had taken Frodo and Mini-Me there once. Mini-Me was under a year old, so he didn't remember. Frodo calls Knothead while we're on the way there to tell her what we're doing, and she got all melancholy about the whole thing. She's a piece of work. Didn't dampen my fun. I took what I hope will turn out to be some great pictures - a few cool ones of Mini-Me feeding this camel that fell in love with him!

Edited to add: I managed to get some pictures uploaded:

Dad_Mini_Me_&_Sandy
Our_Camel_Friend

Ok...is it bad that the phone is ringing right now, it's my mother-in-law, and I'm ignoring it?

Rosie O'Donnell was in town yesterday, which was kind of cool. I read her blog fairly regularly, so knowing that she was posting about being here and then looking across the harbour and being able to see the ship docked was a bit of a mind bend. They were happy with the warm welcome they received - I live in a very tolerant city, for which I am eternally grateful.

HB and I are spending a lot of time together, which is great. We've started walking together every morning. We take the two dawgs and go for about 45 minutes, up through the woods and paths by our place. There are some beautiful ocean views along the way. The big dawg hurt his front paw the other morning though, and hasn't been able to come with us the last two days. He's getting older and we forget that we have to be more careful with him.

This is the reason I say the warranty has run out on my husband! Believe it or not, this was taken on the actual date of our first wedding anniversary!!

Thanks for the comments on my last post. It does help to know that blogging can be healthy. I wish I were a better writer ... but I've made a firm decision to blog from my heart and for me, and not to edit it. Of course, when I read how boring some of my entries are compared to other blogs that I stalk...ummm visit....and realize that this is coming from my heart, it makes me realize how sedate my life has become! Given the hellish rollercoaster I was on before meeting and marrying HB, I'll take sedate though ... any day!

One more thing - I finally got Brodie's journal typed out into my other blog. It's here . Although parts of it made me sad to reread, it did make me fall in love with my husband all over again.

A Dwelling Place

I had to drive to another part of the province on Wednesday of this week. It was a five hour drive each way. I left early in the morning of the day of my meeting, stayed overnight and then drove back early in the morning the next day.

The drive itself is beautiful, but goes through some fairly hilly and rural parts of the province. This limits the choice of radio stations. Usually I bring a good selection of cds with me, but for some reason on Wednesday, I chose to listen to CBC newsradio.

Ever feel like you were meant to hear a specific story? I had actually turned the radio off, was going to put a cd in, and then just couldn't be bothered, so turned the radio back on just in time to hear this story. If you choose to listen to it, you'll need about 15 minutes and realplayer. And yes, it's about miscarriage.

What was amazing to me, and I don't know why it was amazing, was how many times the mother in this story could miscarry without having anyone to talk to about it. I had the same experience when Brodie died. People ~ not just women ~ but men too, suddenly began disclosing the stories of their losses. I was amazed at how strong the human spirit is, and saddened at the same time that these losses were simply absorbed into the reality of our lives and glossed over.

Sometimes I wonder if I dwell on our various losses too much. I wonder if spending time on the internet reading blogs, and blogging myself, keeps me in a dwelling place that I should have left long ago. I don't have the answer. I guess I really do just have to take it one day at a time.

On the road again

I'm in a much better place these last few days. HB has been an amazing support ~ we've spent lots of time together and I am over my hysteria. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a gift so beautiful as the love he has for me, but I'm eternally grateful.

I have exactly two working days left until I am on a full month of vacation. I am so ready to have a break from the turmoil here at work. A month away will allow all the dust to settle. I have met with everyone I need to meet with regarding what I will be doing, and it is decided. I will continue with this assignment for at least the next nine months, and possibly longer. I need to secure some office space, which is at a premium. I spotted a little cubicle that is vacant this morning. The upside is that it's on a very quiet floor, and has a window. The down side is that it's a cubicle. The alternative is to get a phone line hooked up at home and work from there, coming in for meetings as needed. The upside would be that I'd save a bagload of money on parking and gas. The downside is that I have a tendency to get distracted when at home. I'm going to investigate both options. But perhaps after vacation.

Continuing on in the "change the things I can" mode, I weighed in at Weight Watchers this morning. I am the proud loser of 5.4 lbs in this first week, and am totally delighted! I feel focused and determined, one day at a time, and am loving this core program. No weighing or measuring, and just making healthy choices. Almost too simple.

Tomorrow I have to drive to my favourite part of our province for a meeting. It's about a five hour drive, so I'll head out early in the morning. After the meeting, my plan is to get a hotel room and just hang out with some friends overnight. I have to get up with the birds the next morning to be back here for a meeting, so it won't be a wild night.

So yeah, I'm back on the rails again. Feels good.

Approaching Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not used to posting about my psychotic behaviour, and rereading the last two posts makes me really uncomfortable. I've become so used to my world, with the exception of infertility, being relatively stable so the least little bump now seems like a major mountain to me. And I'm grossly embarrassed about my behaviour of the last few days. I think my meltdown is over as I woke up this morning with a whole new outlook and feeling. Thanks for all the support and advice. HB and I are back on even ground again ... we are very blessed to have the solid, faith centered marriage that we have ... even when I do try to trash it. By last night we were able to joke about it with each other ~ and I can see a standing line coming on now from him every time he is his normal, nice self to any woman. He started it last night by assuring me at least three times while he was talking about stuff that had happened during his day, some of which involved talking to other women, that he was NOT having an affair with each of those other women. What can I say? I earned that one. I'll have to think of another way to torture him. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Anyhow, onto other things. This may be old to some folks, but I found this amazing presentation on line through a message board I just joined this morning. I would love to email it to our family and friends. I don't know who Susan Robinson is, but I love her for putting in images and words what my heart feels! I particularly like the last few slides ~ we don't know what the path to resolution is yet, but it will be resolved. That is so much how I feel. I know that some reading my description of the visit to the clinic yesterday would think that I am not engaging in enough treatment or being assertive enough in pursuing other options, but for us, it's what I needed to hear yesterday. I have been undergoing fertility treatment and testing off and on since 1995. I'm ready for the journey to end, one way or the other. HB and I had made a decision before we went to the clinic last year that we would not go beyond medication. I guess I'm lucky in many ways because for us, it's more about creating a child together than it is about having a family. We already have a family. Frodo and Mini-Me might not have been carried under my heart, but they are children of and in my heart. I also do have faith that there is a plan for me in this life. I just don't always have the patience needed to wait until it's revealed.

It's Canada Day weekend here. We're busy with paddling regattas and bbq's all weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. Then one more full week of work and I'm off on a month of vacation. I can't wait. Frodo and Mini-Me left early this morning for a little vacation to the eastern states with their mother, so we won't have them around until mid next week. We're going to engage in adult behaviours all weekend, and catch up with some friends that we haven't seen nearly enough of over the last few months.

In the "change the things I can" department, I rejoined Weight Watchers on Tuesday evening and have been following the core plan. According to the scale at the clinic yesterday and my own home scale this morning, it appears that I'm already down between 6 to 8 lbs ... unbelievable! I'll wait to see what the scale actually says next Tuesday at my meeting, but I'll take any downward motion at this point ... I am in control of my weight and body image ... and plan to exercise that control! I also invested in the most comfortable pair of Reebok walking shoes the other day and have been loving those. Makes my evening walk so much nicer.

Happy long weekend!